Wedding season is quickly approaching and on Monday I finally had to suck it up and go to David’s Bridal to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. This was my first trip to a bridal store of any kind, and this one happens to be in an iffy neighborhood, so I was basically having an anxiety attack about it, especially because of the feedback I got from Yelp reviews:
“It was obnoxious seeing trashy girls in neon yellow dresses parading all over the place with midriffs and cleavage hanging out. Especially in the location of Maryland this David’s is located.”
and:
“I didn’t appreciate the tiny dressing rooms or the communal area for brides to show their dresses to friends/family. Why? Because I didn’t appreciate the screaming kids or the creepy dads/fiancés/other males staring at me and commenting like I was a piece of meat, all the while they were there to support someone else. I felt so gross!”
My personal trip to David’s Bridal, however, was a godsend. We were in and out of the store within 18 minutes, there were zero screaming children, no creepers, and the dress was on sale and fit perfectly. It was astounding, really. Only a true bridesmaid ninja could pull that kind of thing off.
Relieved about the ease of the trip, we exited the parking lot and gaily rolled up to a red light. I began telling my mom a story about my friend when suddenly she squinted and cut me off–“Wait, is that a dancing nun?” she asked.
I looked over and sure enough, a nun was dancing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. We were so in awe that neither of us could blink or utter a single word. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see a nun jamming out on the corner at 4:45 pm on a Monday (or ever) and I swear to you that not even the hand of God could have stopped her groove.
Then a miraculous thing happened right when the light turned green–the nun whipped around and startled us with an unexpected, prominent five o’clock shadow.
Our jaws dropped in unison before my mom yelled “Heavens! A transvestite nun!? A drag queen!”
I was howling.
As we drove off, I peered in the side view mirror just in time to see Sister Mary Fabulous working it across the street like she owned everything within a 20 mile radius. “Bless her,” I thought to myself, “I wish I could have that kind of confidence.”
I guess that might seem like an odd thing to think about a guy dressed as a nun. Was this prostitution? Is Monday a good day for a drag show? Was it just a crazy guy?
These are questions that will never be answered. Trust me, though, if you saw that strut you would have prayed for some of Sister Mister’s confidence, too.
Once again, thank you to Jon from Pastrami Basket for a surprisingly accurate interpretation!
tales of a charm city chick 
La La:
1. There’s a pretty good chance that those Yelp comments were posted by the owners of JoJo’s Bridal the next block over.
2. Did you check Yelp for any comments and rating for your new discovery Sister Mister?
Funny post, friend.
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Haha, thanks! Brilliant idea–Yelp, but for people. So maybe she’s on Angie’s list then…
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I’m not so sure Sister Mister isn’t a business, La La!
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Just checked and she isn’t there. Yet.
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Be the first … nah.
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Give me a few years, we’ll see how things are going. If they take a turn for the worse, I’m in.
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Sister Mister! Hahahhahaahaaaa
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You tried on a dress and it fit? I have no idea when the last time that happened to me. Well done! And you got a dancing nun out of the deal. That’s all good.
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Thanks, it usually never happens, so it really was the best day! The next trip though is bathing suits. I fear the worst. I know you feel me.
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Congrats on an easy day of shopping, complete with uplifting spiritual message!
(Have you been tempted to go back and dance with him, just for the fun of it?)
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You know I do. I so want to go back on a Monday at the same time and search desperately for a return and then dance with him. I’ve already thought out the creepy scenario about it.
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I hope if you do, the two of you make a delightful, happy-go-lucky spectacle of yourselves, with no creepiness at all!
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There will be grooves and dancing, damn it.
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I seriously hate Yelp. I can’t trust anyone on there, and yet, I desperately want to know what people think of business establishments before I go to them. I’d take a dancing man-nun over creepers and screaming kids any day.
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I’d take him over that too, even if he was on drugs or something.
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Oh, that’s fantastic. It’s those kind of sightings that keep life exciting. Perhaps he was dancing because, as a nun AND a man, he likely won’t ever have to be a bridesmaid…
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It’s possible. Bridesmaidery can be rough. And yes, the sightings make it a bit more exciting! Things will slow down and suddenly people like that pop up and make it all okay.
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Sister Mister could an original cast member of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo who’s now landed a roll in “Sister Act: The Musical”.
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Just watched the trailer for Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Thanks for that. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s in there somewhere.
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So funny, La La! A nun is one thing , but a transvestite nun, something else entirely! I’m speechless. Congrats on your smooth bridesmaid experience.
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Thanks!!!! It may never happen again and we need to be grateful for such a moment. 🙂
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Haha! How awesome…
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This sounds like an especially bad episode of Rikki Lake.
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You do!
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I do what??
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Sound like Rikki Lake. Heyoooo. (I dunno)
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LMAO. Thanks??
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Hehe
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De naaada
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Ha! Only you. If you had more time I would say you should do an animated version of this. And most of your tales for that matter.
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That’s brilliant, birthday girl. Brilliant.
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Everyone should get to see a dancing transvestite nun after having to go to a bridal store. My trip was horrible – the only good part was when I go to horrendously sick in the crappy little bathroom in the storeroom they had for customers and then the toilet wouldn’t flush. HA! TAKE THAT, STUPID BRIDAL STORE.
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Hahaha!! Suckers! That’s awesome. You triumphed.
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I thank an intestinal parasite and my mother giving me IBS regarding anything wedding-oriented….
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Christ. This sounds like the future with my mother haha.
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It didn’t help that I did something etiquette-ly appalling at every turn. Do you realize I didn’t have BRIDESMAID COLORS? Shocking. Did you know that’s some sort of wedding sin? Did you know that having two bridesmaids and having four groomsmen is also a grievous sin? Let’s not even talk about the belly dance bride-walking-music and the Frank Zappa post-kiss music. Bypass purgatory and go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect any wedding gifts.
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and of course I wrote about it…
Do not feel compelled to read 🙂
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This was great. I just wish you had circled the block to catch SisterMister with your phone, everybody needs a dancing nun dude.
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Well I would have but we were entering a ramp to a highway. I did consider it but the u-turn was a bit far away. I do agree, though. Everyone needs some of that in their lives.
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That was one pretty man! Maybe he was like a fashion spirit guide. I hope that Enigma song was playing in your head. Oh and Pastrami for life!
P.S. – Have every single one of your friends got married in the last year? I feel like I see weddings in my sleep. No pressure or anything right?
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Literally all of them. It’s the worst. Babies come next year, just you wait..
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My first buddy with a kid, had his like 4 months ago. It’s weird and disturbing, because I drunkenly fell off a roof with him one time. And If I see one more black and white “meadow shot” of someone pregnant or proposing, I’m going to jump off a roof on purpose.
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Hahaha, I’ll join you. Most of the proposal shots here are on the bay or in a vineyard. Kill meeee. If I ever marry it will just be me giving the middle finger in different places.
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Just wait until you dream a Pastrami wedding.
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Geese and I thought that the trannies were butch in Winnipeg.
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Is this why you were on the lash watching hit ball?
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Haha, you know I have no idea what that means.
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On the lash = getting drunk and hit ball = baseball
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Oh, well then no. I was on the lash watching hit ball because it was just another Wednesday. 🙂
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Good!
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Dancing man nuns make the world go around.
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It’s true!
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