Tag Archives: Pastrami Basket

A Trip To David’s Bridal

2 Apr

Wedding season is quickly approaching and on Monday I finally had to suck it up and go to David’s Bridal to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. This was my first trip to a bridal store of any kind, and this one happens to be in an iffy neighborhood, so I was basically having an anxiety attack about it, especially because of the feedback I got from Yelp reviews:

“It was obnoxious seeing trashy girls in neon yellow dresses parading all over the place with midriffs and cleavage hanging out. Especially in the location of Maryland this David’s is located.”

and:

“I didn’t appreciate the tiny dressing rooms or the communal area for brides to show their dresses to friends/family. Why? Because I didn’t appreciate the screaming kids or the creepy dads/fiancés/other males staring at me and commenting like I was a piece of meat, all the while they were there to support someone else. I felt so gross!”

 

My personal trip to David’s Bridal, however, was a godsend. We were in and out of the store within 18 minutes, there were zero screaming children, no creepers, and the dress was on sale and fit perfectly. It was astounding, really. Only a true bridesmaid ninja could pull that kind of thing off.

Relieved about the ease of the trip, we exited the parking lot and gaily rolled up to a red light. I began telling my mom a story about my friend when suddenly she squinted and cut me off–“Wait, is that a dancing nun?” she asked.

I looked over and sure enough, a nun was dancing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. We were so in awe that neither of us could blink or utter a single word. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see a nun jamming out on the corner at 4:45 pm on a Monday (or ever) and I swear to you that not even the hand of God could have stopped her groove.

Then a miraculous thing happened right when the light turned green–the nun whipped around and startled us with an unexpected, prominent five o’clock shadow.

Our jaws dropped in unison before my mom yelled “Heavens! A transvestite nun!? A drag queen!”

I was howling.

As we drove off, I peered in the side view mirror just in time to see Sister Mary Fabulous working it across the street like she owned everything within a 20 mile radius. “Bless her,” I thought to myself, “I wish I could have that kind of confidence.”

I guess that might seem like an odd thing to think about a guy dressed as a nun. Was this prostitution? Is Monday a good day for a drag show? Was it just a crazy guy?

These are questions that will never be answered. Trust me, though, if you saw that strut you would have prayed for some of Sister Mister’s confidence, too.

 

nunnery
Once again, thank you to Jon from Pastrami Basket for a surprisingly accurate interpretation!

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Stupid Ricky

25 Mar

So, you guys remember my nemesis, Ricky, right? The guy I work with? You know, the guy who didn’t laugh at my Steely Dan joke about losing my number because apparently “he didn’t know the song” and, subsequently, lost my number?

Well, I don’t know how many more nights I could lie awake wondering if Ricky actually lost my office number, if he truly didn’t know the song or if he was just being a dick.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever learn the truth.

However, during another meeting a few days ago, as I stared at Ricky to see if I could catch a glimpse of the dark soul that surely exists underneath his hair gel and professional business person façade, he randomly turned and winked at me. It was then that I realized the truth about Ricky–he didn’t lose my number. He sucks and he just wanted me to feel dumb. Douche.

Well, whatever, Ricky. Your potent hair gel leaves a smell in the elevator long after you’re gone and sometimes there’s a booger almost falling out of your nose and I hate you and you’ll pay for this.

 

ricky

Ricky, burning my number

 

Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Pastramiversary to Jon, the unique cartoon/photo artist over at http://www.pastramibasket.wordpress.com who provided his Ricky interpretation. Thanks, dude!

You can also find Pastrami Basket on Facebook and it’s awesome, so you should go to there.

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