Just because Jeff Goldblum didn’t write you back when you were 11 years old, doesn’t mean you aren’t a goddamn superstar. Maybe he had a good reason, like you being too young at the time, for example. Perhaps 31 years too young, even. Maybe he was busy and didn’t care that you sat in your basement watching Jurassic Park on repeat for days and were mega in love with him. And how could you not have been?
Look at that exquisite chest. I understand if you can’t read any further. You’re happy now. Your life is complete. I get it.
And you know, who even cares that he recently got engaged to a woman who happens to be 30 years younger than he is…and a gymnast? Who cares if there’s a photo of her showing off her impressive flexibility with a split-style leap, much to Jeff’s delight?
If I were you, I wouldn’t care, because it doesn’t mean you’re less awesome. It doesn’t you aren’t a goddamn superstar. It doesn’t mean you won’t find a great love in your late twenties who, oddly enough, brought up on his own that he admired Jeff Goldblum’s chest, too.
So, really, the lesson here is that you don’t have to feel bad when people turn you down. You don’t have to feel bad when others are ahead of you in life, work and love. Don’t feel inadequate when the job hunt is slow, or you keep getting dumped again and again. Your time is coming, whether or not Jeff Goldblum appreciated your love letter written on pink, sparkly stationary.
Hang in there, my friend. Hang in there. Your time is coming and you, too, will bloom just as beautifully as the rest of the roses. I’m drunk. I love Jeff Goldblum.
