Tag Archives: letter

Boys Mostly

27 Jul

I found my diary from when I was 12-17 years old. I have to say that I enjoyed reading every embarrassing (sometimes heartbreaking) moment. I also enjoyed my young teen angst poetry (yikes).

My favorite part of the diary was at the beginning, when I had a wicked crush on Jeff Goldblum (click to enlarge photos).

A few days after that second entry, I wrote Jeff Goldblum a letter because he didn’t respond to my email. My mom always said, “He’s too old for you!” so I had to hide the fact that I was sending a letter. The day I sent it, I called the post office to ask how many stamps a letter needed to get to California and I was very nervous my dad was going to notice one of his stamps missing, so I said a prayer. When I “went outside to ride my bike” that morning, I sprinted to the mailbox and triumphantly put up the flag. I was so excited and nervous about what Jeff Goldblum’s response would be. I am not positive as to the exact wording of what went out in the final letter, but I know it was something like this pervy draft I found:

____________________
6/8/97

Dear Mr. Goldblum,

My name is Lauren and I am 12 years old (13 on October 1st)! I like all your movies and watched Jurassic Park again today, actually. I have seen it 15 times.

I thought you were funny on Saturday Night Live, my favorite was your skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher when she is a Catholic schoolgirl and you are her teacher and you dance together to “Last Dance.” Just like Mary Katherine Gallagher, I wear a Catholic school uniform at school and I would like you to be my teacher and dance with me like that, too. I would lick you head to toe like she did because I think you are a very attractive man! It was funny in the skit. I hope that was not too forward of me to say.

I know I am only 12 and you are 44, but I promise I am mature for my age.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you. My address is on the second page.

Love,

Lauren
____________________

 

I remember putting my school photo in the envelope and truly believing that he was going to adore me. Needless to say, Jeff Goldblum never wrote me back.

Dear Justin Bieber

23 Apr

Dear Justin Bieber,

Let me stop you right there, little fella. While you were whispering to me via radio waves on my ride into work this morning, I realized that I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, so please, stop bothering me about it.

Why?

1. Well, for starters, I don’t want to chill with you “by a fire while we eatin’ fondue.” What, all that money in your hands that you’d really like to blow and we’re just going to chill by a fire and eat fondue? That’s utter crap.

2. Really? You “can” be a gentleman? How talented and noble of you.

3. You seem to be missing body hair. Unacceptable.

4. I don’t want to spend the next 5 months teaching you how to kiss. Tedious.

5. I definitely don’t want to spend the next year teaching you how to use your meek little penis.

6. Sometimes I have to squint when I look at your bright-ass clothes. I don’t want to have to squint when I look at my boyfriend.

 

If you were my boyfriend, your neon clothes would give me migraines.

 

7. Sometimes you look like a pretty young lady. I don’t date young ladies. Or any ladies.

8. You have the seagull outline tattoo. I get the Jonathan Livingston Seagull reference and I’m sure peopleĀ  praise you for it, but will never read it themselves. Seagulls also steal french fries and poop on people. Just saying.

9. “So say hello to falsetto in three, two” is not something I want to hear in the bedroom. You would probably say that in the bedroom.

10. Who do you think you are, the Ying Yang Twins? You don’t know what half of that song even means, so stop whispering at me and find someone your own age.

Sincerely,

Lauren Ann

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