Tag Archives: plague


15 Mar

Am I the only one who despises the WebMD symptom checker but still visits the website anyway “just incase”? I swear that when I type something as simple as “headache,” they basically tell me that I’m going to die within the next 24 hours or that I am mentally ill and, at least for a little while, I actually believe it.

Recently, I visited the website and it gave me 2 possible conditions:



For the record, all I needed was sleep and I have never craved or eaten paint, plaster, dirt or laundry starch. Today, I went to the search and typed “swollen gland,” clicked a couple of symptoms and here are the possible conditions…


…and here was my thought process upon reading this:

1. Cat-scratch disease?! That’s real? Well, it says that I would need to be scratched or licked by a cat. Wait, a cat licked me last weekend at that party. Wait, I HAVE a cat. Crap, I have cat scratch fever!

2. It can’t be Lyme disease, I haven’t seen a tick on me. Then again, I live alone. What if the dog brought it in? What if it was on my back and I didn’t see it? I am achy and fatigued….shit! I have Lyme disease!!!

3. Oh great, I probably have TB!! Figures!

4. I don’t have an abscess and my throat doesn’t hurt…so it’s not that stuff.

5. I haven’t kissed anyone, so it isn’t Mono. Wait, we shared cake at work last week! Oh no, it’s Mono!! Bright side–maybe it will help me lose weight. Um, Lauren, don’t think like that, you’re so weird. And stop talking to yourself like this. You need professional help.

6. Swollen glands, well duh, that’s what I clicked in the first place.

7. I HAVE THE PLAGUE? I knew it! Stupid rats!!!!! I’m going to die in 4-7 days?! How tragic, I never got to finish my world tour or get married and have kids! I just coughed. Fuck, how did I get this big bruise? Is that blood? No, this can’t be the end, I’m too young to die!!!!


I am still stuck on that 7th thought. So, we’ll see. Oh and hey, I apologize if I gave anyone else the plague. My bad.

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