15 Mar

Am I the only one who despises the WebMD symptom checker but still visits the website anyway “just incase”? I swear that when I type something as simple as “headache,” they basically tell me that I’m going to die within the next 24 hours or that I am mentally ill and, at least for a little while, I actually believe it.

Recently, I visited the website and it gave me 2 possible conditions:



For the record, all I needed was sleep and I have never craved or eaten paint, plaster, dirt or laundry starch. Today, I went to the search and typed “swollen gland,” clicked a couple of symptoms and here are the possible conditions…


…and here was my thought process upon reading this:

1. Cat-scratch disease?! That’s real? Well, it says that I would need to be scratched or licked by a cat. Wait, a cat licked me last weekend at that party. Wait, I HAVE a cat. Crap, I have cat scratch fever!

2. It can’t be Lyme disease, I haven’t seen a tick on me. Then again, I live alone. What if the dog brought it in? What if it was on my back and I didn’t see it? I am achy and fatigued….shit! I have Lyme disease!!!

3. Oh great, I probably have TB!! Figures!

4. I don’t have an abscess and my throat doesn’t hurt…so it’s not that stuff.

5. I haven’t kissed anyone, so it isn’t Mono. Wait, we shared cake at work last week! Oh no, it’s Mono!! Bright side–maybe it will help me lose weight. Um, Lauren, don’t think like that, you’re so weird. And stop talking to yourself like this. You need professional help.

6. Swollen glands, well duh, that’s what I clicked in the first place.

7. I HAVE THE PLAGUE? I knew it! Stupid rats!!!!! I’m going to die in 4-7 days?! How tragic, I never got to finish my world tour or get married and have kids! I just coughed. Fuck, how did I get this big bruise? Is that blood? No, this can’t be the end, I’m too young to die!!!!


I am still stuck on that 7th thought. So, we’ll see. Oh and hey, I apologize if I gave anyone else the plague. My bad.

8 Responses to “WebMD”

  1. Kyle March 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    Reblogged this on kylemew.com and commented:

    see how the web can turn us all into hypercondriacs
    oh, shit! i have hypercondria


  2. randalldeanscott March 15, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    So funny… I was just discussing this exact thing with a friend the other day. It truly doesn’t matter what you put in, you’re going to die and soon! Oh my, the fear that is generated among us. I’ve learned to stay away from that site even in the “just in case” moments. Dying doesn’t seem so bad if you don’t know it’s coming, right? Ignorance=bliss? 😀

    Fun post!


    • La La March 15, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

      haha, you make a fair point. Ignorance does indeed = bliss!


  3. dee dee March 15, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    I have to say, that I refuse to look at Web MD b/c I will have very similar thoughts…


  4. Lafemmeroar March 15, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

    I’m a Web MD regular. The symptom checker is an evil tool … it freaks me out to think that I can have a strange disease just because I have an itch …


  5. tadams4u March 20, 2012 at 1:00 am #

    I’m always in trouble for using WebMD on people. LOL You find some interesting stuff sometimes.


  6. savanahprose March 22, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    It’s always some sort of incurable disease on WebMD, and yet I can’t help going there “just to check” as well. The should have an answer that simply says:

    “Conditions Associated with Selected Symptoms: Death” Haha!

    And also, I am nominating you for an award called the Kreativ Blogger Award.

    See here: http://savanahprose.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/on-being-creative/

    Thanks for entertaining me!


  7. Bird April 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    I find that I am a better doctor than the real ones when I’m armed with WebMd…Who really needs a doctor anyways when we have the internet and drug dealers?

    Just saying…


Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: