Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.
The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.
Oh, sweet illusion!
One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.
He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!
And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!
Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.
Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.
I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.
I so want a sunset.