My Knight in Shining Nakedness

5 Dec

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.

The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.

Oh, sweet illusion!

One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.

He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!

And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!

Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.

Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.

I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.

I so want a sunset.

40 Responses to “My Knight in Shining Nakedness”

  1. Christopher De Voss at 3:16 pm #

    Sunset on it’s way.


  2. T. W. Dittmer at 3:22 pm #

    Shining armor is over-rated. It just covers nakedness.

    Infestation, however, is another subject. Go for the sunset.


    • La La at 3:29 pm #

      Hmm good point…..I will focus on that sunset. Thanks for the tweet! How sweet.


  3. Lori DiNardi at 3:28 pm #

    Hmm, he certainly was no Duncan MacLeod (In case you’ve never seen the TV show Highlander, I recommend it, if only for eye candy). Watched Dolly Downer on Rudolph last night and thought of you.


    • La La at 3:30 pm #

      Haha! Don’t you worry I’ve seen me some Highlander. 😉

      Checking out the recipe now!


  4. Lori DiNardi at 3:29 pm #

    P.S. Winning recipe is on my blog today. Sorry, no pizzelles, but I may post that one in the future.


  5. Jen and Tonic at 3:55 pm #

    WOW! A guy with a sword. The “fantasy sexy” must have been hot.


    • La La at 4:01 pm #

      Haha, he was super skinny and wore giant glasses…so yes, HOT!


  6. Madame Weebles at 3:56 pm #

    An unmanscaped, non-useful knight. That’s a real weenie shrinker.


    • La La at 3:59 pm #

      Haha, you said weenie. There was just something about the sword and the blood and the naked that was like….ew man.


  7. Carrie Rubin at 4:23 pm #

    The fair maiden deserves a sunset after that rat fest. Yuck. The only good thing was that at least he didn’t shriek and hide under the bed at the sight of a mouse. That would not be very gallant.


    • La La at 4:41 pm #

      I dated a guy who was afraid of spiders, so I know exactly what you mean. He had a great scream for it, too. Oh, Carrie. Life is looking up!


  8. becca3416 at 4:34 pm #

    At least in the Nutcracker, the prince actually defeats the Rat King. Maybe you could have taken him to see it, and then y’all could still be together! Or maybe you should just keep dating the wrong people and making me laugh by talking about their lack of manscaping.


    • La La at 4:39 pm #

      Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have anymore issues in that area! I’m thinking about sharing the other horror stories that lead up to the happy ending though. Thoughts?


  9. Bob at 9:44 pm #

    Eewww, you so make me want to move to Baltimore. Sooooo festive.


  10. The Bumble Files at 11:20 pm #

    La La, what an enchanting tale. Stepping on a dead mouse….shudder.


    • La La at 7:44 am #

      Oh I scrubbed the hell out of that foot!


  11. davidhardingblogs at 3:01 am #

    Manscaping is underrated. Killing mice with swords is overrated. Thin, glasses wearing nerds are underrated. The Big Bang Theory is overrated. I am underrated. Though I overrate myself. Wait…what am I saying?


    • La La at 7:42 am #

      You’re saying you’re a manscaping skinny nerd with giant glasses and I am saying I adore those!


  12. gingerfightback at 6:37 am #

    This could be a fairytale


  13. calahan at 4:54 pm #

    For some reason, I imagined this dude slaying that poor mouse with his sword and quoting lines from Lord Of The Rings or begin talking in Renaissance Faire-ese.


    • La La at 7:05 pm #

      I wish, I love me some LOTR.


  14. Sandee at 11:53 am #

    I had to laugh at the part when you cried after stepping on the mouse — it reminds me of when my boyfriend said he’d caught yet another mouse in my apartment after I went out for a jog — I broke down at that point and cried. “This isn’t funny any more,” I said.


    • La La at 11:56 am #

      Hahaha, that is exactly how I felt…it just wasn’t funny anymore!!


  15. Maddie Cochere at 1:37 am #

    Editing is a pain in the tush; I miss so much and nearly missed this gem of a story. That naked knight was a dirtbag, and if you didn’t have a new knight on the way, I would bring you to my castle, buy you a new wardrobe, and give you an endless supply of hot dogs, pizza, and wine. But you do have the new knight on the way …


  16. The Hook at 1:42 pm #

    I’d say you’ve EARNED that sunset!


    • La La at 11:30 pm #

      Thanks darlin’, I’d like to think so. 😉


  17. The Fat Girl Running at 2:52 am #

    I was afraid you were gonna say he stabbed the mouse with his…uh….other “sword”. Bad visual place!


    • La La at 3:29 pm #

      Hahahaha I’m so glad that didn’t happen. You make me laugh!


      • The Fat Girl Running at 3:34 pm #

        So do you my friend….scary that we have the same sense of humor. Maybe we were twins separated at birth…


  18. vyvacious at 7:19 pm #

    Gah, I know most people like Le Clown don’t approve of smiley faces or “HAHA”s but I can’t help it!!

    HAHAHA! This was an awesome story! Especially the part about the lack of manscaping! No bueno! 😛


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