Archive | October, 2011

pepper tooth

19 Oct

Recently, I went to Grano Pasta Bar with my friend Dee Dee. After a couple of glasses of wine, I had a substantial realization about friendship:

Your friends should only be considered “true friends” if they can tell you when you have pepper tooth.

Pepper tooth – 

When a food particle, usually a spice, can be seen in between the teeth or along the gum line (often between the central and lateral incisor).

It is a known fact that all people with teeth get pepper tooth. Thankfully, when it does happen, our true friends will inform us of the intrusive particle.

These same friends might do other small, important favors for you. For example, my friends understand what I mean when I flair my nostrils. Upon seeing the nostril signal, a friend will discreetly check if I have any bats in the cave (boogers). Thank you for doing that for me, true friends.

In conclusion, cherish your true friends. If we did not have them, we would all walk around looking absolutely ridiculous. I would probably have a unibrow, pepper tooth and my dress would be tucked into my underpants (which has happened to me twice and seriously, you would be simply amazed by how long the general public will let you go with your dress tucked into your fucking underpants).

Thoughts from a drunk girl

13 Oct

A number of people have told me that I am very profound when I drink. I decided to write what I’m thinking/saying over a couple of drinking sessions to see if I could come up with answers to some of life’s biggest questions. It didn’t happen, at least not yet:

1. Hugging really is kind of funny when you think of it as a strangle you haven’t finished yet.

2. Is there a god? If so, I wonder if he reads my blog. If he does, he probably shakes his head a lot.

3. I am lying on my bathroom floor. I’m topless. My puppy is sitting at my head and I’m wondering, does he know I drank too much? Is he judging me? I wish he knew how to get me some Taco Bell. Or just a snack. I just asked him to get the snack and he’s just staring at me.

4. How many licks to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? They say the world may never know, but I do know–it’s 314. I have the certificate to prove it.

5. If I could go back in time, I’d have a serious make out session with Potsie from Happy Days. He’s so dreamy.

6. Why won’t anyone in this hot tub harmonize with me? Dina harmonizes with me. I wish she was here in this hot tub. Hot Tub Harmonies–our new singing group.

7. Guys, I have a good idea. What if we take pictures of our breasts (clothed) in different spots so you can see a chest to the side and like….my science lab in the background? Boobs in the Workplace: An Exploration. OR how about boobs in the front, and beautiful scenery in the background? Except we would be wearing clothes. Boobs around the world, but clothed. A calendar. Think about it.

8. I want Dwayne Wayne glasses. I actually want to be him for Halloween, but I understand that wouldn’t be very easy, so I will settle for the glasses.

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