Tag Archives: drinking

A Cautionary Tale

22 Jun

Once upon a time there was a 31-year old woman who lived alone in Baltimore City. She didn’t mind living alone because of all the “pants optional” opportunities, but sure, sometimes it did get lonely. And at times? It could even be dangerous.

You shouldn’t fret, though, dear readers, the woman lives to tell her story (and at this very moment she is sans pants and buzzing about in a chocolate chip cookie-induced furor).

One bitter December evening following a late night out with friends, the woman made a risky decision. She should have gone straight to bed because as we all know (or have heard, dad, in case you’re reading this even though I told you not to read my blog) that nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

Which of the many poor possible decisions was made amidst our heroine’s drunken whirlwind laden with the indecent vigor of aggressively good spirits? Did she sprawl out on the floor, call an ex-boyfriend and cry? Negative. That wasn’t really ever her thing, anyway. Did she devour snacks? No. Okay, well maybe some snacks were involved, but that’s not what I’m referring to here, so no–it wasn’t the snacks.

She fought for years not to go down this path, but ultimately the woman surrendered, the way every drunk person someday must, to one of the highest internet gods imaginable: Amazon.

We all know Amazon is a dangerous place at any time of day, but after dark, it becomes especially treacherous terrain. Trouble was not far off, and soon it would be pricking at her and causing mild bloodshed on at least 4 separate occasions because the woman of whom I speak is often rather impatient.

On the next morning, she discovered a confirmation for her forgotten purchase:

20160620_214649

and two days later, she received this “awesome collection of 20 unique cactus and succulents” and indeed, no two were alike.

One cactus was chubby and furry and quite deceptive. The woman liked that one the most. She named him Barry. He and all 19 of his little friends are doing well. They don’t all have names because I just don’t have that kind of time. The woman, I mean. The woman doesn’t have that kind of time.

Anyway, the result of this perilous expedition could have been way worse with much greater consequences, but I share this story with you to serve as a cautionary tale–your reminder to go the frick to sleep instead of online shopping.

Advertisements

What is a man?

9 May

I went and picked out a bottle from my Aunt Sue’s wine rack (I am house sitting this week). When I tried to open the bottle, this happened:

 

I broke the wine opener.

 

I fought to the death with that thing, but it didn’t work out. So, on a piece of paper I wrote “sorry” (right). I noticed the notepad (left) had writing on the next page. It asks, “What is a man?” Wow, good question. I found another opener, got a new bottle and there went my mind for the evening. What is a man?

What is a man to you? Are you a man? What makes you one?

Sure, a man will reach high places, fix things, grill like a champ, be on bug removal duty and fart on you from time to time. He will also laugh at the word “duty” in the previous sentence. Because he truly thinks you will like it or because he’s trying to be funny, he might also send you a picture of his ween. But what else?

To me, a man is loyal, focused, honest and an equal. A man is a role model to his children. A man owns up, dances (sometimes, though I prefer often), and can apologize. He is protective. Without thinking, a man gets the door. He allows himself to be emotional with you. A man won’t whine to his friends about you to seem cool.

Also, a man will inspire you to live without fear and forget regret.  He will make sure you always feel like you are the most beautiful, confident woman in the room…oh wait, my bad, now I’m just thinking of alcohol.

My Boyfriend, Vodka

24 Apr

As you can see, Vodka and I are back together again after our rough breakup. I lasted 1 week. I didn’t want to be in the photos, but Vodka (and Sangria) insisted. Yikes.

 

Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

Case of the Mondays

26 Mar

My thoughts exactly. This lady and I would be the best of friends. I bet her name is Edna. Come along, Edna, we can count down together.

 

 

Okay everyone, back to work.

Happy New Year!

2 Jan

My NYE was definitely less eventful than last year (I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend about a cab, walked barefoot in the freezing cold to a hotel, got us a room and then tried to leave wearing nothing but a coat).

This year, when I got home from the bar I realized that my dog Porter’s whine sounds EXACTLY  like Tim Allen. Prior to passing out, I felt inspired and wrote a haiku:

New Year’s Eve

 I’m crunk. Fireworks–

Porter hears and whines like Tim

The Tool-Man Taylor.

Drunk Girl Thoughts – Part 2

7 Dec

Sometimes I get drunk and write down my thoughts and conversations. Here are a few.

1. A conversation:

Me: I am going to start a kissing booth. I am going to charge $5 for a kiss on the cheek, $15 for lips ($14 for the gals, $20 if you’re over 48), $28 for a french kiss (no one over 48) and $120 if you’re trying to go on a date (over 48 is acceptable in this instance).

Matty: Wouldn’t that make you a prostitute?

Me: What!!

Matty: Can I be your pimp?

Me: Fine.

2. I want to get a Schnauzer puppy and name him Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.

3. My friend asked me what to do when her new boyfriend is in the room while she’s trying to put on tights. I told her to own it and just put on the tights. If you get all flustered, fall over, and do that jumpy dance thing and he comes back, he’s yours. If he bolts, then it was never meant to be.

4. The same (number 3) applies to farts.

5. I have no idea what that movie, “Winter’s Bone” is about, but I have every intention of rewriting it as a porno.

6. Speaking of porn, I want to write and direct a masterpiece called “Pornakopita.” It will be set in ancient Greece and be much like The Odyssey. Maybe I could follow the oral tradition and just tell the story to a room of people. I know you will be disappointed, but no, it will not be in dactylic hexameter. I just don’t have that kind of time.

Thoughts from a drunk girl

13 Oct

A number of people have told me that I am very profound when I drink. I decided to write what I’m thinking/saying over a couple of drinking sessions to see if I could come up with answers to some of life’s biggest questions. It didn’t happen, at least not yet:

1. Hugging really is kind of funny when you think of it as a strangle you haven’t finished yet.

2. Is there a god? If so, I wonder if he reads my blog. If he does, he probably shakes his head a lot.

3. I am lying on my bathroom floor. I’m topless. My puppy is sitting at my head and I’m wondering, does he know I drank too much? Is he judging me? I wish he knew how to get me some Taco Bell. Or just a snack. I just asked him to get the snack and he’s just staring at me.

4. How many licks to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? They say the world may never know, but I do know–it’s 314. I have the certificate to prove it.

5. If I could go back in time, I’d have a serious make out session with Potsie from Happy Days. He’s so dreamy.

6. Why won’t anyone in this hot tub harmonize with me? Dina harmonizes with me. I wish she was here in this hot tub. Hot Tub Harmonies–our new singing group.

7. Guys, I have a good idea. What if we take pictures of our breasts (clothed) in different spots so you can see a chest to the side and like….my science lab in the background? Boobs in the Workplace: An Exploration. OR how about boobs in the front, and beautiful scenery in the background? Except we would be wearing clothes. Boobs around the world, but clothed. A calendar. Think about it.

8. I want Dwayne Wayne glasses. I actually want to be him for Halloween, but I understand that wouldn’t be very easy, so I will settle for the glasses.

%d bloggers like this: