Sometimes I get drunk and write down my thoughts and conversations. Here are a few.
1. A conversation:
Me: I am going to start a kissing booth. I am going to charge $5 for a kiss on the cheek, $15 for lips ($14 for the gals, $20 if you’re over 48), $28 for a french kiss (no one over 48) and $120 if you’re trying to go on a date (over 48 is acceptable in this instance).
Matty: Wouldn’t that make you a prostitute?
Matty: Can I be your pimp?
2. I want to get a Schnauzer puppy and name him Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.
3. My friend asked me what to do when her new boyfriend is in the room while she’s trying to put on tights. I told her to own it and just put on the tights. If you get all flustered, fall over, and do that jumpy dance thing and he comes back, he’s yours. If he bolts, then it was never meant to be.
4. The same (number 3) applies to farts.
5. I have no idea what that movie, “Winter’s Bone” is about, but I have every intention of rewriting it as a porno.
6. Speaking of porn, I want to write and direct a masterpiece called “Pornakopita.” It will be set in ancient Greece and be much like The Odyssey. Maybe I could follow the oral tradition and just tell the story to a room of people. I know you will be disappointed, but no, it will not be in dactylic hexameter. I just don’t have that kind of time.