I’m kinda tired, but here are some thoughts I’m thinking! And I’m drinking! Yay!
- Alfonso Ribiero is, like, my Captain Planet power thing. Imagine we all put in our rings and it’s like, “Earth! Fire! Wind! Alfonso Ribiero!” and Captain Planet shows up and does the Carlton dance. Ha. I’d like that.
My friend Stacey and I were talking and she sent a pic of herself to be like “hi, friend.” I went to send a reply pic and realized I am an exhausted, unshowered woman in big earphones and a giant pink sports bra. This is kind of a regular thing. How men have ever governed their boners around me remains a legitimate question.
“Sorry I got angry and farted on your cat” is not something I want to ever have to say to another human. Again. I never want to have to say it again.
I went to Mardi Gras and saw some things I want to see again and saw some things I will never unsee. Weird boobs, for example. Below is a poem I just wrote about it.
While you stroll in New Orleans
you ought to go see the Mardi Gras
cause you’ll see some weird boobs–
go there to see some if you want.
Go eat po’ boys
and drink giant daiquiris,
which are just subs
and slushies with alcohol.
I ended up getting many ice headaches,
but hey, it was fun,
because I saw some weird boobs
and a guy showed me his Zulu King
(that’s code for wiener).
- Life–is it not so strange? So sublime? Have you ever had one of those abracadabra awestruck moments when everything seems to fit together and you fill up with pure, loving emotion? Me too. We’re all connected.
I’m sorry, I have no idea where this one came from. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.
Recently I saw a puppy bark at a gust of wind and it was adorable. This is my new hobby, and I would like for this new hobby, to which I am unwaveringly devoted, to blossom into a rewarding career. “What do you do for a living?” they’ll ask. “Oh, me? I observe the shit out of cute puppies. I’m so grateful and so blessed, you know. Puppy observation is a competitive field and I worked hard to get to my position as the Director-General of Observing Puppies.”
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing…and thank you to everyone who annoys me about it until I finally write again. I had a recent burst of creativity and more will come soon, and some of it wasn’t even written under the influence! GOODNIGHT GUYS!
Have there really only been two of these? Probably not, but who am I to question my drunk titles? I have some things to say because these are the things I’m thinking:
- When did I become a woman? God, that’s weird.
- There’s a mouse in my kitchen right now. I don’t want to have to go back in because I don’t want to make eye contact with him because then I’ll have to keep him and name him something lame because that’s what I do. Oh god, I’m out of wine….Stilwell! His name shall be Stilwell.
- I don’t write as much anymore because my entire life has changed and I barely identify with and have time for that side of me. Weird, right? I miss this part of me the most. It will be back. I swear to god. Oh wait, here it is.
- I still like farts even though I’m 31, but I will say they are most appreciated when comedically timed and not happening in front of a fan.
- Everyone has said I would want kids someday. They weren’t wrong. Thanks, aging and maternal instincts or body clock, or whatever. We’re all getting older and we all are going to die someday. Deal with it. Sorry about that.
- I actually enjoy giving candy to kids on Halloween now. I used to be so cynical about that before. I even like dressing as a Disney princess to make them happy. WHAT!?
- Getting older also means being an adult about other things–like facing the past. Fuck you past, you don’t know me. I mean, thanks for making me the me I am now, or whatever, but otherwise? Go away.
- Wait, back to being a mom. I think I would do the weirdest stuff. I would google, like, “how to mom.” Many years from now, my son will find this blog and be like “WHAT THE HELL, MOM?” and I’ll shrug and be like:
- Also, what should his name be? Stilwell? Also, yaaaa I don’t know why the list just restarted. Just ignore it. Like I said, I’m drunk.
- Stilwell. God, that’s such a terrible name. All I can think of is that dick kid from “A League of Their Own.” Remember that? If anyone wants to drink wine with me and cry themselves into a wine coma with me while watching that movie, I’m available on most nights. I prefer a Friday night though because my face gets all puffy when I cry now though because I’m 90.
- His name….his name….something classic.
- What am I talking about?
- You know what I love? Candy. Fucking candy is so good.
- Not actually fucking the candy though, that’s weird. I guess properly it would be, “Candy is so fucking good.” Anyway.
- Guys? I’m drunk. Drunk skunk. Lol that sounds like Russian Rocky and Bullwinkle lady. “Drunk like skunk.”
- I DONT KNOW WHY THIS NUMBERED LIST RESTARTED IN NUMBERS. I WASN’T DONE.
Sometimes I get drunk and write down my thoughts and conversations. Here are a few.
1. A conversation:
Me: I am going to start a kissing booth. I am going to charge $5 for a kiss on the cheek, $15 for lips ($14 for the gals, $20 if you’re over 48), $28 for a french kiss (no one over 48) and $120 if you’re trying to go on a date (over 48 is acceptable in this instance).
Matty: Wouldn’t that make you a prostitute?
Matty: Can I be your pimp?
2. I want to get a Schnauzer puppy and name him Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.
3. My friend asked me what to do when her new boyfriend is in the room while she’s trying to put on tights. I told her to own it and just put on the tights. If you get all flustered, fall over, and do that jumpy dance thing and he comes back, he’s yours. If he bolts, then it was never meant to be.
4. The same (number 3) applies to farts.
5. I have no idea what that movie, “Winter’s Bone” is about, but I have every intention of rewriting it as a porno.
6. Speaking of porn, I want to write and direct a masterpiece called “Pornakopita.” It will be set in ancient Greece and be much like The Odyssey. Maybe I could follow the oral tradition and just tell the story to a room of people. I know you will be disappointed, but no, it will not be in dactylic hexameter. I just don’t have that kind of time.