The Gospel According to Sexy Halloween Jesus

12 Sep

I haven’t been wanting to write recently, but apparently I tried to give it a go after my friend Dina’s birthday luau the other night. I was rereading it this morning and it seems that things quickly escalated from this:




to this:


I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. Hi. HI. Hey. The way the light is hitting my floor right now I can see a stinky dog’s footprints. That stinky sneak. I went to a luau tonight, but was still hung over from Jaime’s birthday party last night:




I made that my profile picture on Facebook, by the way, and someone commented on it to say she preferred the profile picture I had before because I looked stunning in it, but not so stunning in the one above.

This was the previous photo:




So on the newer, goofy profile picture she commented, “There are NO VACATIONS from beauty.”

Yeesh, tough crowd. I don’t mean to make things awkward for that lady, but the guy at the party who took the picture said it was perfect and that I looked like “Sexy Halloween Jesus,” and that sounds to me like one of the highest and holiest of praises, like, ever.

Then he kneeled before me and I spaketh, “My many blessings are upon you and you may now rise, Sir Guy I Don’t Know.” (It sounds like I was knighting him, I know, but I wasn’t–that’s just how Sexy Halloween Jesus rolls.)

It was at that moment that my new apostle ascended up, up from his knees and into the kitchen to get another drink. I then had a shot of RumChata and it was a delight.

So, anyway, what I think that Facebook lady needs to do is shut her lady mouth, say a Halloween rosary and accept Sexy Halloween Jesus into her life, especially because Sexy Halloween Jesus is not as forgiving as regular Jesus.

Okay, well, it’s time for bed. Goodnight all, and don’t forget that I’ll be watching over you. I’m creeping right behind you, breathing on your little neck hairs because that’s what Sexy Halloween Jesus does after she has had too many grapefruit crushes. Those are really yummy, by the way…probably my new favorite drink.

33 Responses to “The Gospel According to Sexy Halloween Jesus”

  1. Bob September 12, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    Sexy Halloween Jesus, if we’d had that as Canadian kids going to Sunday school would have been so much finer. And a great reason to roast that evil Satan turkey on thanksgivingday. I guess that makes the Easter bunny kind of redundant eh?


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

      Haha, we shall bring it to the classrooms, Bob!


  2. oldironhoss September 12, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    Beautiful no matter –
    she is just jealous…
    Thank God (and Jesus) I was born ugly = sooooo much easier


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

      Well it is a goofy picture…but I thank you very much. As long as we’re all living in happiness and love, I don’t give a poop what anyone looks like!


  3. Madame Weebles September 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    Your Sexy Halloween Jesus makes me want to go to church again.


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

      Yes! The communion tastes better than it used to, so you’ll even get a decent snack.


      • Madame Weebles September 12, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

        EXCELLENT. And I know the wine will be good too.


        • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

          I hadn’t even thought of that. Wins all around!


  4. wakinyanwinyan September 12, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

    I think Sexy Halloween Jesus is, well, very sexy.

    People need to keep their stupid comments to themselves. Seriously. “There is no vacation from beauty?”

    Maybe not in “Everyone Looks Awesome and Stunning and Super-Beautiful Every Minute of the Day Land” but in the really, real world, pfffft….

    In any case, you’re beautiful. You just are. As Sexy Halloween Jesus or anyone else for that matter.


  5. sbriordan September 12, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    I’m like a sexy football player on a sexy football team, and before each game when we leave the locker room fired up, we all slap a big sign above the exit that says “SEXY” and we yell out, “NO VACATIONS!”


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

      Let’s put one above my doorway!


    • Anonymous September 12, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

      We also like to trash talk the opposing teams. Sometimes it gets real cray cray. Like, for instance, when running back Gus Jackson drops the ball, I like to give him a hard time. I might say: “Hey, Jackson – yeah you – why don’t you catch the ball next time? What, were you too busy booking a cruise on for a SEXY VACATION?”


      • sbriordan September 12, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

        ^^^^ That was me. I forgot to login. Guess I was on vacation 😦


        • La La September 12, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

          Goof. Xoxo


      • La La September 12, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

        Side note, a sexy vacation would be quite nice.


  6. Carrie Rubin September 12, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    “Sexy Halloween Jesus”—You should trademark that phrase/name. Quick, before someone runs with it. But if they do, you’ll have us as witnesses as to who first spaketh those words.


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

      I just came up with an irreverent Halloween costume idea. And in other news, “spaketh” is back!


  7. The Cutter September 12, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    Sexy Halloween Jesus would also serve as a good fantasy football team name.


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

      Ooh I like it! A good trivia team name, too.


  8. Johnny Ojanpera September 12, 2013 at 6:43 pm #

    I feel like my life just took a turn for the better; like I might be saved. Thanks!


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

      This is why I’m here, sir. This is why I’m here. 😉


  9. ddupre315 September 12, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

    You should remind her that beauty on the inside is important too and she needs to sleep more.


  10. The Bumble Files September 12, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    Mmm…tasty, La La. I’ve never had a grapefruit crush. Maybe if I have one I can be one of your Disciples!


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

      You should have one. Seriously, it was one of the best, most refreshing drinks!


  11. mollytopia September 12, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    The Gospel According to Sexy Halloween Jesus is the best title in the history of ever. Love this post. Yes yes yes. On all of it. Totally looking into the Grapefruit crush recipe – girls’ night on Saturday : )


    • La La September 12, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      Do it! So so good, lady. Let me know what you think. 🙂


      • mollytopia September 12, 2013 at 10:35 pm #

        Also? Yes the FB lady needs to shut her dumb mouth. That pic is fab!


        • La La September 12, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

          Hehe, thank you.


  12. gingerfightback September 13, 2013 at 3:32 am #

    Well said SHJ – by the way what is that thing in your hair?


  13. The Hook September 14, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    You’ve got layers, La La… they’re funny, sometimes creepy layers, but layers nonetheless!
    Good for you!


    • La La September 15, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

      Ha, thanks dude!


  14. jennigreenmiller September 14, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    Grapefruit Crush? Do tell…


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