Tag Archives: fun police

The Gospel According to Sexy Halloween Jesus

12 Sep

I haven’t been wanting to write recently, but apparently I tried to give it a go after my friend Dina’s birthday luau the other night. I was rereading it this morning and it seems that things quickly escalated from this:

 

luau

 

to this:

 

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. Hi. HI. Hey. The way the light is hitting my floor right now I can see a stinky dog’s footprints. That stinky sneak. I went to a luau tonight, but was still hung over from Jaime’s birthday party last night:

 

novacations

 

I made that my profile picture on Facebook, by the way, and someone commented on it to say she preferred the profile picture I had before because I looked stunning in it, but not so stunning in the one above.

This was the previous photo:

 

lamosc

 

So on the newer, goofy profile picture she commented, “There are NO VACATIONS from beauty.”

Yeesh, tough crowd. I don’t mean to make things awkward for that lady, but the guy at the party who took the picture said it was perfect and that I looked like “Sexy Halloween Jesus,” and that sounds to me like one of the highest and holiest of praises, like, ever.

Then he kneeled before me and I spaketh, “My many blessings are upon you and you may now rise, Sir Guy I Don’t Know.” (It sounds like I was knighting him, I know, but I wasn’t–that’s just how Sexy Halloween Jesus rolls.)

It was at that moment that my new apostle ascended up, up from his knees and into the kitchen to get another drink. I then had a shot of RumChata and it was a delight.

So, anyway, what I think that Facebook lady needs to do is shut her lady mouth, say a Halloween rosary and accept Sexy Halloween Jesus into her life, especially because Sexy Halloween Jesus is not as forgiving as regular Jesus.

Okay, well, it’s time for bed. Goodnight all, and don’t forget that I’ll be watching over you. I’m creeping right behind you, breathing on your little neck hairs because that’s what Sexy Halloween Jesus does after she has had too many grapefruit crushes. Those are really yummy, by the way…probably my new favorite drink.

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