The Horror! The Horror!

30 Oct

This morning on Facebook, as part of her contribution to Halloween, a girl posted her “favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe.” Before continuing, please reread that with a valley girl accent. Do it. So, like, imagine it reading like, “Oh my god, like, this is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe!” followed by lots of giggles and shit.

Got it? Did you imagine the giggles? Good.

When I read that she was reading something besides “50 Shades of Grey,” I became intrigued (because that’s all she talks about). So I took a sip of coffee, sat back in my chair and read:


“Come little children
I’ll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time’s come to play
here in my garden
of Shadows

Follow sweet children
I’ll show thee the way
through all the pain and
the Sorrows

Weep not poor children 
for life is this way
murdering beauty and

Hush now dear children
it must be this way
to weary of life and

Rest now my children
for soon we’ll away
into the calm and
the Quiet

Come little children
I’ll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time’s come to play
here in my garden of Shadows”


Um, if this girl was trying to horrify me, she succeeded.  My jaw is actually aching from all that sitting on the ground it did after reading that.

However, because she’s 34 and her costume this Halloween is “sexy pizza,” I’ll assume she had no clue that the poem is definitely not by Edgar Allan Poe.

I mean, I’m not a Poe scholar or anything, but his writing is far more sophisticated and darker than that.  If the above poem ended with a monomaniac pulling the teeth of all the children and had something about them being buried alive, I might think differently. If you aren’t familiar with his work, please visit this page and read “Berenice” to understand what I mean.

So, what is the poem she posted, then? I recognized it immediately. It’s the song Sarah Jessica Parker sang as Sarah, the bimbo witch in the 1993 film Hocus Pocus. I’m not proud that I knew that, but hey, it’s a personal favorite (mostly because when I was 9 I had a major crush on pretty much every boy ever, and Omri Katz, who played Max Dennison in the movie, was one of the those lucky fellas).

Also, if anyone is wondering if perhaps Disney borrowed Poe’s poem for the movie, my answer to you comes from the Disney Song Encyclopedia:




I don’t know how this mistake happened, but I don’t want to think too hard about it because my head will probably explode.

I hope this horrifying tale serves as a reminder to everyone that there are dark corners of the internet with false information, and if you’re going to dress up as sexy pizza for Halloween, it’s important to have your facts straight if you want anyone to take you seriously as the sexy piece of pizza you were born to be. Now get out there and show ’em what you’ve got.




Also, if you need me, I’ll be in the corner of the bar dressed as sexy zombie Snow White (the one with the brains, of course).



41 Responses to “The Horror! The Horror!”

  1. herdthinner October 30, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    I suppose it’s no worse than people repeatedly misattributing a long, glurgy quote about needing prayer in school and more Christianity in general… to GEORGE CARLIN.

    I also love “Hocus Pocus.” I didn’t have a crush on Omri, not even during “Eerie, Indiana,” but it was a good romp. Having lived next to Salem shortly after the movie came out, it was fun spotting locations in scenes.


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

      Haha, true. Someone was recently telling me that Salem is a great place to visit around Halloween.

      Eerie Indiana..I loved that show. Jason Marsden was on it. I loved him too. Sigh..

      Thanks for your comment!


      • herdthinner October 30, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

        Salem is a… CROWDED… place to visit during Halloween. I describe it to visitors as the largest, no-cover-charge Goth club in the world. That’s all-year round. On Halloween the Goths (and Wiccans) grumble about all the tourists. Maybe not their money, though. My favorite museums are the Witch History and Pirate Museums. The former focuses on the history of Wicca/witchcraft in Europe and the US. The latter on, uh… pirates.


        • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:29 am #

          So maybe another time of year then for those museums. Sounds cool. 🙂


  2. Ola Allam October 30, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    When I read the poem I was like “Wait! What? That’s not Poe!” I thought for a moment that there’s something wrong with me. I am a huge fan of Edgar Allan Poe. I love his style of writing and his tales, also reading his poetry is the best part of my day. I gotta admit, that post scared me 😀


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

      So glad other people could see that right away. We can breathe, everything will be okay. 😉


  3. Ruby Tuesday October 30, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    Oh my God. You bring me the best of fb while reminding me one of the reasons I abandoned that ship. And I adore you for it!


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

      I was sad when you left…althouuugh I completely understand. I’ll keep my eye out for more laughs. xoxo


      • Ruby Tuesday October 30, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

        Aww, now I’m sad again that I left, too, even though it was the right choice for me. I miss you, Ms. La La! xoxo


  4. wepoetsshowit October 30, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

    Can I order sexy pizza for delivery? Is that an extra charge? Well it be here in 30 minutes or less? What kind of toppings are available?


    • wepoetsshowit October 30, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

      Damn…this is Twindaddy, btw. Signed in on the wrong account. Sigh…


      • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

        Oh, HI!


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      Extra charge is $5.00. It may take a couple of hours. Toppings are available…but I forget what they are *chews gum.*


  5. Carrie Rubin October 30, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

    I’m always surprised by how people put things out there without linking to a source. Maybe in this case, that’s not possible, but still, if you’re putting something out there that isn’t your own original content, then you’d better be able to back it up or show where it came from. Poor Poe is probably rolling over in his grave. Then again, he might like that…


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

      Funny, because I went to visit his grave yesterday afternoon after a talk about the next human pandemic. I thought of you during it!


      • Carrie Rubin October 30, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

        Ah, that’s sweet. You know I love a good pandemic. 😉


  6. YankeeDoodleSaudi October 30, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

    This made my day.


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

      I’m glad. Thanks for stopping by. 😉


  7. The Cutter October 30, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    I’m not going to lie to you: I think the pizza could stand to be a little sexier.


    • CB October 30, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

      I was thinking the same thing.


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

      You’d think so. We expected more from you, pizza!!!


      • MakeWayForLindaJ October 31, 2013 at 6:49 am #

        Pizza is sexy all on its own. I get horny just thinking about pepperoni….. was that an over share?


        • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:34 am #

          We over share here all the time. No worries. 😉


  8. Viciously Sweet October 30, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

    Oh wow. While reading that poem I was like… this is Hocus Pocus…
    Pizza just isn’t as smart as it used to be… I guess it’s because it’s so focused on being sexy.


    • La La October 30, 2013 at 6:50 pm #

      Oh, pizza. As one of our favorite foods, we beg of you, get it together!


  9. The Bumble Files October 30, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

    How you even knew about this Hocus Pocus poem is just wild. What a memory you have! You’re too cute to be a Zombie Snow White. Pouty, perhaps…


  10. RFL October 30, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    Haha! Wow. this reminds me of some of my FB friends. They’d put up rave reviews of 50 Shades then a few days later some uplifting quotes from Scripture, but I’ve never seen someone confuse Poe with Hocus Pocus.
    Hope y’all have a great Halloween!
    Sexy pizza made me snort a little.


    • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:28 am #

      People do funny things!


  11. David Stewart October 31, 2013 at 12:17 am #

    Perhaps she’s really an Ivy League scholar and the whole persona is just an elaborate Halloween stunt to inject some horror into your life. Or so I can hope.


    • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:32 am #

      She once mixed up hypnotist with acupuncturist….so don’t expect too much.


      • David Stewart October 31, 2013 at 10:58 am #

        Those are slightly different professions. I won’t hold my breath.


  12. kateshrewsday October 31, 2013 at 3:56 am #

    Ha! Here’s a slightly more unsettling Poe:


  13. kmichelle13 October 31, 2013 at 4:05 am #

    LOL!!! I had to read it and I was ready to PRAY halfway through like THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!!?!?!!! I have read many Poe poems and his style of writing has NEVER made me want to ask for forgiveness or hide my kids lol!


    • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:33 am #

      Hahaha I know, bless her. His style is nothing like that!


  14. MakeWayForLindaJ October 31, 2013 at 6:56 am #

    In a land where Google can make even the most clueless of people seem smart, there is no reason to misquote anybody again. Ever. So, get thee to Google, sexy pizza lady and appear 75% smarter than all other Italian cuisine.


    • La La October 31, 2013 at 8:37 am #

      Seriously. You can basically be a scholar on lots of things and you never have to misspell again. Hocus Pocus comes up immediately when you type that in!


    • Kathleen November 13, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      Here use this site (one of my favorites) and send her the link. Just before she opens the link it quickly reads, “Now was that so hard?”

      (there is actually a blog on this search that says “There is a debate about the song’s lyrics. Some say that they come from Mr. Edgar Alan Poe and others than they were written by John Debney …”)
      Again, Hahahahahaha 😀

      I think it is odd that there seems to be some confusion about who may have written ALL of the lyrics, but no one includes anything about why anyone would THINK it was Poe.

      La La, as I read the poem here, I was definitely waiting for death or maggots at the end, and then nothin’ — definitely not Poe.


      • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

        AGREED. I’ll check it out, haha. That’s awesome.


  15. Doggy's Style October 31, 2013 at 7:37 am #

    Bless her heart!
    She probably got mixed up with the whole pizza being a veggie story.


  16. Jennie Saia October 31, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    Is there such a thing as an un-sexy piece of pizza? (Granted, I still don’t support humans attempting to morph into food items.)



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