Tag Archives: story time

Lorie the Lesbian

11 Jun

Once upon a time there lived six lesbian artists in the pink townhouse down the street from me.

I was invited over for a birthday party, which also happened to be a clothing swap and a potluck of foods made only with beets because they were all on a beet diet.

It was a hot, humid day and their air conditioning and shower were both broken, so upon entering the house one was immediately slapped in the face by a putrid scent that I can only describe as “men’s locker room.” I wasn’t there to judge anyone for being stinky, though. I was there to celebrate a birthday and sweat while eating a beet cake.

The birthday girl, Lorie, wore a superman shirt, bike shorts and red sparkly pumps that matched the color of her hair.

For her birthday, she received a tandem bike, a hat and a painting of her own vagina. The painting was given to her by a roommate who had a mustache and wore thick glasses, yellow pants and rainbow suspenders. Now knowing what Lorie looked like under those bike shorts, I wished I had purchased her a gift certificate for a wax. Then again, all the ladies there were quite hairy in general and I, the hairless Sphynx of the room, was the outcast.

The only reason I was invited to the party was because she and my boyfriend at the time were great friends. There was a portrait of her that hung above our bed that she drew of herself, which I found quite odd. When we first moved in together I asked him to take it down, but he said I was being silly. “It’s just art,” he said.

About a month later, I found hidden, recent photos of her in lingerie. Apparently those were “just art,” too. Whatever they were, I ended up burning them at a beach bonfire and told him it was for “artistic purposes.” He didn’t find that very funny.

We broke up a couple of months later, I guess due to artistic differences, and soon I bought my own house.

Two years later, I was sitting on my front porch when the pair rode by my house on the tandem bike she got for her birthday. When they saw me they waved in unison and she dinged the little bike bell with wild abandon. I waved back sarcastically and spent the rest of the day with the below song in my head. I often wonder where she hung that painting of her own vagina.

 

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Lauren’s Less Boring Lesson

12 Oct

This week I learned that I, just like you, should be my own creative self. Lauren + La La = me, and I’m down with that. Thanks for playing along! Oh, and I found out just how much you people love couscous and graveyards (weirdos).

I also learned a lot about delivery and word choice. Here’s an stretch of an example from this morning that has nothing to do with blogging:

I was on the phone with my gentleman friend and we were discussing how I have nothing boring to say in today’s post. I didn’t have anything exciting to say either. When we hung up, I got out of my car and began my trek into work from the parking garage where they finally gave me a space last year (it only took three years).

Having a spot is a huge upgrade from when I to had to park in a west Baltimore neighborhood. I wore my running shoes every day and ran because it isn’t exactly the nicest neighborhood in town. A friend of mine was robbed by a bunch of girls when he parked there.

Anyway, I was walking in this morning and there was a man in the alley between the parking garage and my building. I have seen him creepily lurking around before.

As I walked by I heard him say, “Girl, you look like you got money.”

“Joke’s on him,” I thought, “I’m broke.”

And then he began following me, so I walked faster.

“WAIT! Come here!” he yelled at me. I walked even faster.

He kept following. I got out my mace just in case (and despite being frightened, I was a poet and didn’t know it). He followed me up to the front door of the building and he said,

“I meant to say you look like a million dollars and that ass is a dime-piece.”

“Oh. Thank you!” I replied, and joyfully bounded into the building.

_________________

Just like that, the atmosphere changed from “rob and rape” to “early morning compliment of a gal’s dime-piece.”┬áPerhaps we should keep our own delivery and word choice in mind when we post and give feedback. It sounds obvious, but it’s worth considering. Also, don’t follow anyone down an alley. That’s just dumb. You can follow my blog, though, that’s fine.

I will be out this coming week for business. I will try to comment when I can. Fun things are happening soon. See you next Monday!

 

 

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