Tag Archives: I miss you

Thanks, Boys!

22 Jan

Today I feel famous for being kind of a loser. Here’s why:

 

Screen Shot 2013-01-22 at 10.56.48 AM

 

First of all, Simon, Twitter Maestro and author of sweetandweak, retweeted me to well over 4,000 people. That dude is a tweet magician.

Then, Twin Daddy got his inspiration from me for his Daily Prompt. He would like to get a video of my nose whistling. Boys are funny. And gross.

Also, David Harding said he is including me in a book of his AND he read the mess that is the makings of my book (where yes, I am a bit of a loser) and said he loved it.

AND…I just walked out of the lab and someone made red velvet cupcakes, so I think today is pretty much one of the best days ever.

So, that’s why today I feel a bit famous and yes,  proud to be kind of a loser who has a nose that whistles at the worst times imaginable.

Ugh.

Thanks guys.

Finally, I won’t be around the blogs as much because I am trying to write more and goof off less. I’ve never been very good at managing my time for these kinds of things. I once wrote a 40-page paper in a one week (and got an A, mind you) and my teacher said I was the only one who followed the directions. Weird.

I will still write here, just not as consistently, and I will do my best to comment on your blogs because I enjoy reading them. You all make me laugh and cry and some of you turn me on and many of you inspire me so very much. It’s a wild roller coaster of emotions, really. Jesus.

If you’ve ever laughed and then cried after being horny because of people you’ve never met…you will know what I mean.

Wow, I just reread that sentence.

See you soon!

 

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions and wins from being kind of lame.

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Ravens fan. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions.

 

Lauren’s Less Boring Lesson

12 Oct

This week I learned that I, just like you, should be my own creative self. Lauren + La La = me, and I’m down with that. Thanks for playing along! Oh, and I found out just how much you people love couscous and graveyards (weirdos).

I also learned a lot about delivery and word choice. Here’s an stretch of an example from this morning that has nothing to do with blogging:

I was on the phone with my gentleman friend and we were discussing how I have nothing boring to say in today’s post. I didn’t have anything exciting to say either. When we hung up, I got out of my car and began my trek into work from the parking garage where they finally gave me a space last year (it only took three years).

Having a spot is a huge upgrade from when I to had to park in a west Baltimore neighborhood. I wore my running shoes every day and ran because it isn’t exactly the nicest neighborhood in town. A friend of mine was robbed by a bunch of girls when he parked there.

Anyway, I was walking in this morning and there was a man in the alley between the parking garage and my building. I have seen him creepily lurking around before.

As I walked by I heard him say, “Girl, you look like you got money.”

“Joke’s on him,” I thought, “I’m broke.”

And then he began following me, so I walked faster.

“WAIT! Come here!” he yelled at me. I walked even faster.

He kept following. I got out my mace just in case (and despite being frightened, I was a poet and didn’t know it). He followed me up to the front door of the building and he said,

“I meant to say you look like a million dollars and that ass is a dime-piece.”

“Oh. Thank you!” I replied, and joyfully bounded into the building.

_________________

Just like that, the atmosphere changed from “rob and rape” to “early morning compliment of a gal’s dime-piece.” Perhaps we should keep our own delivery and word choice in mind when we post and give feedback. It sounds obvious, but it’s worth considering. Also, don’t follow anyone down an alley. That’s just dumb. You can follow my blog, though, that’s fine.

I will be out this coming week for business. I will try to comment when I can. Fun things are happening soon. See you next Monday!

 

 

I Want It Now

21 Sep

My birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, daddy, I promise not to get too Veruca Salt on your ass this year.

1. Money for a tank of gas.

2. Shoes.

Tell mom I’m an 8 1/2

 

3. A clever teapot.

I just want to tell you so much…I love this teapot

 

4. This Pasotti Ombrelli. It’s like a fucking scepter with a pretty umbrella on the end. I don’t own an umbrella, and I’m in need of a scepter, so this will be perfect.

Only $215.00

 

5. Underpants. I needs ’em (seriously, I haven’t worn underwear in like a month).

It’s true

 

6. GIMMIE THIS PIG.

I shall name her Gertrude

 

7. A funny boyfriend who enjoys copious amounts of sexual activities and doesn’t mind killing the spiders in my basement. He should also like wine, cheese and hugging me.

A silhouette attempt

 

8.  I ask every year, so I’m not sure why you still haven’t gotten me a fucking beautiful unicorn.

Look, two fucking beautiful unicorns. I want the less feisty one.

 

9. Lastly, Blackwood Distillers makes a triple distilled vodka that is ice-filtered through Nordic birch charcoal and then is passed through a sand of crushed diamonds and other gems. Price? $1,060,000. It’s so beautiful that I probably won’t even cry or text an ex-boyfriend when I drink it (just kidding, I probably will).

This is necessary for your daughter’s happiness, daddy. Love you!

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