Dear Men:

30 Jan

Allow me to get straight to the point. A number of women are sharing with me stories about receiving unsolicited penis pictures from a significant other or stranger. I would like to offer some advice and information on this subject.

See, guys, here’s the thing–if we don’t request a photo of it, then we don’t want to see a picture of your penis. Why? Because it’s gross. Your penis doesn’t photograph well, trust me–not even when you choose to go with a full body shot. Personally, I would prefer a photo of you clothed and smiling instead of that creepy gaze you’re giving yourself in the mirror as your pants sit awkwardly at your ankles. You look like a sex offender. You look like you’re raping yourself with your own eyes. Stop and ask yourself, “Am I trying to create/maintain chemistry with the recipient or am I trying to frighten her?”

Now, if you believe you are an exception, which you are not, and that it would be a true injustice not to send a photo of your junk, please consider the following:

1. Not sending the photo. A preferred shot would incorporate your smile and a cute pet or hobby. We find that stuff sexy.

2. Send a warning. No one likes a surprise penis.

3. If you send a picture of your penis, the reaction always will be “Ewwww!!!” followed by boisterous laughter.

4. By the next day, at least 1-5 of that gal’s friends will have seen your penis and the reaction will always be laughter at your expense.

5. Manscape. This isn’t the 70s.

6. Don’t send a picture of your flaccid penis. That’s creepier than a hard one.

7. If you’re sending the photo with intentions of sleeping with someone you’ve never met, you’re a complete  idiot.

Gentlemen, please note that none of this means we dislike your dongs, we just prefer them under the appropriately inappropriate conditions. I hope you will keep all of this in mind before your next photo shoot.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for your consideration.


Lauren M.

21 Responses to “Dear Men:”

  1. dee dee January 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    You hit the nail on the head.


  2. Brett Favre January 30, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

    I disagree with your conclusions..

    -Brett F.


  3. Anonymous January 30, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    “No one likes a surprise penis.” Could not agree more.


  4. snarkysnatch January 30, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    I actually wrote about it in my dating profile. I have since began to make a coffee table book trilogy with all the penis pics I get. I am calling it…”Is this your husband?”


    • La La January 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

      That’s such an amazing idea. You crack me up!


  5. Tim Tebow January 31, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

    ditto for RBC’s (roast beef curtains)


    • Brett Favre January 31, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

      Hey, there is only room enough for one obnoxiously over-hyped quarterback on this blog..


  6. Rob Gronkowski February 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    Does the camera add 10 pounds because I was in the pool!


  7. George Louis Costanza February 3, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Looks like you Gronked yourself, next time get yourself the Rooster Booster (Anti-Shrinkage Swimsuit).


  8. Anonymous February 7, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    Ha! A warning text, bc no one likes a surprise penis! Seriously. Never know who is around when opening. Very unprofessional.
    I had a guy I went on 2 dates w/ (who we had ONLY kissed) send me one and then DENY it!!


    • La La February 7, 2012 at 7:37 am #

      That’s crazy! You know though…he who denied it, supplied it 🙂


  9. crubin February 9, 2012 at 11:32 am #

    Suddenly being married for over two decades is looking pretty good. No penis pics from my husband. At least not sent to me, anyway…


    • La La February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am #

      You’re a lucky woman!!


  10. Kyle February 20, 2012 at 7:55 am #

    this is great and most definitely needed saying – we men can be very dumb at times – thing is.. we actually think our dicks are rather fetching (we’ve had such fun with them) and find it hard to think of them as objects of ridicule. We are like little kids, wanting to show off our favourite toy..


    • La La February 20, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      Haha clever, Kyle. Now I understand a bit better.

      Finding out you are British has been my “favourite” part of this day. 😉


  11. Kyle February 20, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    and as a fan of ‘the wire’, finding out that you are in baltimore, has made my day 🙂


  12. sweetmother February 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

    you know, on this…back when i was still dating men, a friend of mine and i decided to go on a ‘double date’. so, we put up an ad that included this little gem, “And if you send us pictures of your penis, we will find a way to send them to your mother!!” it was effective. we received a slew of ‘responses’, but hardly any d*ck shots. thank god! lol.


    • La La February 23, 2012 at 11:28 am #

      good idea! 😉


  13. Maria February 23, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    Is it sad that when my latest date asked me why I said yes to go on a date with him…my answer was “because you didn’t send me a penis pic!!” HAH!! Great ice breaker!! 😉


  14. Christopher De Voss November 18, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    I should have read this post first before I…..Um, I mean. Yes! Here! Here!



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