How I know I need a vacation.

28 May

My house is in a very “unique” part of Baltimore called Hampden. There are characters everywhere and sometimes I sit alone on my porch, watch them and think to myself, “What the fucking fuck!?!”

Well, yesterday I was outside weeding and overheard one of my “unique” neighbors talking on the phone. He has a raging boner for me. I kind of enjoy that fact (not many dudes have a raging boner for me), so sometimes I walk outside, bend over to pick up my paper, smile and say something cute. He usually replies with something that reminds me that he has a raging boner for me and I get disgusted/secretly enjoy it and then I move on with my day. Have I mentioned, by the way, that I haven’t had sex since 2011? Because I haven’t had sex since 2011.

Anyway, yesterday I was looking forward to messing with him, but he wasn’t paying attention to me. Suddenly, I heard him say,

“O win lil sexee an’ me wint downy oshun citee it took frevr t’git uvr de Baybrij”

Translation: “When Little Sexy and I went to Ocean City,  it took an extended period of time to drive over the Bay Bridge.”

Who is ‘Little Sexy?’ I thought to myself, is he over me? 

Then he hung up the phone and called her name. “lil sexee c’mere!”

I stood and watched, waiting to see who exactly had stolen the heart of my white trash possible future husband. His 6-year-old daughter then skipped outside and he gave her an adornment of noogies. I sighed with relief, which was followed by utter shock that I even cared in the first place, which was only then followed by the realization that the man nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy.”

I need to go on a date with a real man and take a vacation to a far away place, people. I’m not letting go of my class just yet!

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40 Responses to “How I know I need a vacation.”

  1. diirrty May 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    You don’t have to fly first class to find a first class man in a first class far away place. 😉

    Like

  2. chrisdevoss May 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    Disturbing and Funny.

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

      John Waters does a good job portraying it!

      Like

  3. Kyle May 21, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

    i have the perfect idea for where your vacation could be…

    Like

  4. ComplexSymmetry May 21, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    Baltimoron <– I particularly liked that! haha
    Also, fact, Hampden is also the name of the national football (soccer) stadium in Glasgow, Scotland!

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      Awesome! I love Scotland. I have a post around here somewhere about it. Thanks for checking me out!

      Like

  5. crubin May 21, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    Oh, gross. The only thing as disturbing as “Little Sexy” being a 6-year-old girl would be if “Little Sexy” was his 86-year-old grandma. I think I need a shower now.

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

      In this part of town I wouldn’t be surprised either way.

      Like

      • crubin May 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

        Are there banjos playing? Or maybe you’re too young to have seen “Deliverance,” the movie where “Squeel like a piggie” takes on a whole new meaning.

        Like

        • La La May 21, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

          Unfortunately, I am not young enough to forget “it rubs the lotion on its skin.”

          Like

  6. Frivolous Monsters May 21, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    Love it. If I ever get around to watching ‘The Wire’ again I’ll look out for you sat on your porch in the background!
    FM

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

      I will be the one judging everyone haha

      Like

  7. Simon May 21, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    He sounds dreamy, like the total package for sure. Don’t throw your class away yet pretty girl, I am sure someone who is worthy will have a raging one for you in no time. Until then though, have fun tormenting the father of the year.

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 6:37 pm #

      Haha thanks Simon. I basically thought of you while writing this and how you deserve a cool man award.

      Like

      • Simon May 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

        That would be sweet, my Skype # is……kidding. Wait a minute, super dad reminded you of me?

        Like

        • La La May 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

          Hahaha, well I loved reading about your daughters and it reminded me of dads that might not be so great. Also, you give me hope that there are funny, normal men in the world.

          Like

          • Simon May 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

            You are one of my new favorite people. I can assure you that there are other men way funnier and normal than I am but I doubt they are as handsome when buried neck deep in the sand.

            Like

            • La La May 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

              If they are out there and single, I am certain that none are as handsome buried in the sand haha.

              Like

  8. Madame Weebles May 21, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Ewww, he nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy”? He should be thrown in jail just for that.

    Btw, Mr. Weebles is also from Charm City (well, just outside B’more, in Anne Arundel Co), but he doesn’t have cool stories like you do. Maybe because not that many guys have had raging boners for him.

    Like

    • La La May 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

      I know. Gross.

      Mr. Weebles represent! I like Anne Arundel, hopefully he lived by the water in Annapolis. Siighhh.

      Like

  9. RFL May 21, 2012 at 9:52 pm #

    Haha! I haven’t heard anyone say raging boner in a long time. The nickname is disturbing.

    Like

  10. Maggie O'C May 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    Ballamer is an interesting place. You are beautiful. First class guy will show up. Your neighbor is really icky. xoxox

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

      Thanks! He’s coming, I know.

      Like

      • Maggie O'C May 23, 2012 at 12:05 am #

        And you are really young, don’t do anything serious until you are at least 30. 🙂

        Like

  11. Elliot May 22, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    I think if you ever see the little girl with makeup, or a “toddlers in tiaras” style dress, I would call the police. Who calls a six year old “little sexy”?

    Although on the other hand, I have seen “The Wire” and that’s all true right?

    Like

  12. themadgayman May 23, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    I’m gay but I do have a hard on for you hon. 😉 But the “Little Sexy” nickname for his 6-year-old daughter kinda ruined it for me. *cryface*

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2012 at 11:51 am #

      You’ll like this next one coming in a few minutes!

      Like

  13. Trip X May 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    scariest part of the whole blog…I didn’t need to read the translation. Sounds a lot like Delaware white trash talk.

    Like

    • La La May 30, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      Haha, guess we aren’t too far apart and those people travel and breed like wildfire.

      Like

  14. bowzerscastle June 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

    LOL. your hampden spelling of how they speak is AMAZING.
    i was at golden west and there was a older lady in crocks sitting outside all drunk. she asked these guys with a boom box if they had any led zepplin. she then sung it in perfect time.

    Like

    • La La June 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

      I think that lady asked me for a sandwich one time. I’m serious!

      Like

  15. Bob August 5, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    Your sexy part of Charm City sounds like a part of Winnipeg that is starkly devoid of stay animals. Weird!

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. How do you know when you need a vacation? | tales of a charm city chick - August 5, 2013

    […] I knew last year when this happened. […]

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