My house is in a very “unique” part of Baltimore called Hampden. There are characters everywhere and sometimes I sit alone on my porch, watch them and think to myself, “What the fucking fuck!?!”
Well, yesterday I was outside weeding and overheard one of my “unique” neighbors talking on the phone. He has a raging boner for me. I kind of enjoy that fact (not many dudes have a raging boner for me), so sometimes I walk outside, bend over to pick up my paper, smile and say something cute. He usually replies with something that reminds me that he has a raging boner for me and I get disgusted/secretly enjoy it and then I move on with my day. Have I mentioned, by the way, that I haven’t had sex since 2011? Because I haven’t had sex since 2011.
Anyway, yesterday I was looking forward to messing with him, but he wasn’t paying attention to me. Suddenly, I heard him say,
“O win lil sexee an’ me wint downy oshun citee it took frevr t’git uvr de Baybrij”
Translation: “When Little Sexy and I went to Ocean City, it took an extended period of time to drive over the Bay Bridge.”
Who is ‘Little Sexy?’ I thought to myself, is he over me?
Then he hung up the phone and called her name. “lil sexee c’mere!”
I stood and watched, waiting to see who exactly had stolen the heart of my white trash possible future husband. His 6-year-old daughter then skipped outside and he gave her an adornment of noogies. I sighed with relief, which was followed by utter shock that I even cared in the first place, which was only then followed by the realization that the man nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy.”
I need to go on a date with a real man and take a vacation to a far away place, people. I’m not letting go of my class just yet!