Tag Archives: comedy

Can Attractive Women Be Funny?

25 Oct

While Nikki Finke, Editor in Chief of Deadline Hollywood, was watching the Emmys’, she wrote:

“Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy…Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups. Bowen isn’t a comedienne just like Brooke Shields wasn’t and a zillion more. Because it’s all about emotional pain and humiliation and rising above both by making people laugh with you instead of at you. So stop casting beautiful actresses when you should be giving ugly women a chance.”

It reminded me of an article I read in Vanity Fair by the late Christopher Hitchens. He explained that attractive women don’t need to be funny to get attention from men, that women in general aren’t childish (crude) enough to be funny and that the rare female comedians who are funny are normally “hefty or dykey or jewish” (oh my).

There are other opinions out there suggesting women in general aren’t funny.

So, can attractive women be funny? Can women in general be funny people?

Nope. You’re right, Nikki Finke and ghost of Christopher Hitchens (who quoted the 1911 poem “The Female of the Species” by Rudyard Kipling, which says women deal with the seriousness of motherhood and have no time for jest). I guess we can all agree because we all have the same views on what it means to be “beautiful” and/or “funny,” despite the variety of both female characteristics and types of humor that exist.

I really just can’t think of any funny, pretty women on TV and my lovely lady friends/the beautiful female bloggers are certainly all dull.

And yikes, Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey never get me to even crack a smile:

Photo by Annie Leibowitz, Vanity Fair

Anyway, I’m off to make some sort of stew and have a baby or something. If readers have any examples of funny, attractive women, please share.

No? You don’t? Didn’t think so.

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Power Ballad Serenade

19 Oct

Last night, as I sat down to relax after my long work day, I was startled by a man right outside my window singing at the top of his lungs, “I wanna know what love is, I want you to shoooow me!”

I hoped and prayed that he was drunk and/or had the wrong house. I peered through the blinds, but it was dark and I couldn’t quite make out his face. He continued singing, “I wanna feel what love is, I know you can shoooow me!!”

I opened the window and shouted down to him, “Do I know you?!”

“Yeah! It’s me!” he yelled back. I squinted, but still couldn’t see him.

Just then, the woman across the street opened her window and screamed, “I’m over here, jackass!”

Giggling, I shut the window and watched him turn and stumble across the street. I went back to relaxing and waited patiently for Christopher to get home from work so I could tell him the story and secretly I hoped we would then have a Foreigner sing-along. We did.

Oh please, don’t look at me like that. Everyone loves a power ballad. Which is your favorite? I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna knnooooowww…

 

Modern Faerie Tale

27 Sep

Recently I overheard two women being bratty about the gifts they receive from their husbands. It reminded me of a certain birthday gift I received for my 25th birthday.

I dated a guy who knew me like a book. For two years he drove me to work every day, we talked all day at work and we spent all of our evenings together. We brushed our teeth together, watched TV together and even showered together.  He knew my habits and routines. He even knew my specific, classy taste in jewelry.

When he asked me what I wanted for my 25th birthday I said, “Surprise me.” So, this is what I got:  

 

1. Yes, what you are seeing is a necklace with a locket that says, “I believe in Faeries.” 

2. Yes, that is a small vial of “Faerie dust.” 

3. Yes, that is the nerdy/archaic “ae” spelling. 

4. No, I do not believe in “faeries,” nor have I ever expressed even a mild interest in such mythical beings.

_____
How would you react in this situation? I laughed because I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, and he spent the rest of the day moping around the house because I laughed.

I think we both learned important lessons that day and I invite you to take this knowledge with you when you go–

Women: Quit your bitching. If a man asks you what you want, tell him or narrow it down because guess what? It doesn’t matter how well he knows you, he may get you a goddamn fairy necklace.

Men: Unless your lady absolutely fucking adores fairies, there isn’t a single circumstance that warrants purchasing a fairy necklace. If she isn’t bleeding fairy dust, don’t get that necklace! Do you understand me? Don’t you fucking do it!

Thank You Dad, Mom, Alison and Rod Stewart

26 Sep

 

As you are aware, my 28th birthday is Monday.  I’ve been thinking about life and all the people I should thank for helping to shape me as a human being. As it turns out, there are only about four people to thank, so why not do so in a post.

 

1 and 2. Patricia and Dennis. They made a mistake in their late 30s and I was the result. You’re welcome, world.

 

 

3. Alison. The friend I’ve had since I was 11 who never judges anything I do, and I don’t judge anything she does. When we were kids, while all the other 11 year old girls were doing normal things, Alison and I were in the back of my mom’s blue station wagon shouting the lyrics to Rod Stewart songs while eating chicken nuggets and not giving even a single fuck. It was weird. We’re still pretty weird.

 

 

4. Rod Stewart. He taught me that young hearts gotta run free, be free, live free and that time is on, time is on my side. He also taught me that I have a thing for older men. You’re welcome, older men.

 

 

I am going to shout the song below in the car on the way home from work today. I bestow upon thine ears, the gift of Rod Stewart (and please check out the drummer):

 

 

What’s in Your Bag?

12 Sep

Boss: Can I move your suitcase?

Me: It’s my bag. Sure.

Boss: Why is it kind of heavy?

Me: I usually have random, useful things in there.

Boss: Like what? A weapon?

Me: I’m not sure what’s in there right now. Let’s see.

 

The current contents of my bag (minus keys and lip gloss):

Exhibit A.

 

Boss: Really? A giant wallet, screwdriver, Under Armour shirt and shorts, banana, bottle of water, purple pen and hand lotion?

Me: You never know what you might need. Usually I have a mini Kleenex packet, a hair tie and a stain removal pen in there as well.

Boss: You’re a mess. By the way, there’s a young, new Italian guy named Donato on the 6th floor if you want to meet him.

Me: Is he cute? And I am not a mess! What if I’m hungry? What if I have dry hands? Go ask your wife what’s in her bag right now.

Boss: Okay…and yes, he’s 25 and very handsome. Blue eyes.

 

He leaves and comes back 20 minutes later

 

Boss: She has a wallet, keys, scissors, pen, toothpaste, pair of shoes and an orange.

Me: I rest my case…and sign me up for Donato.

 

 

 

 

Lament for My Squeaky Bra

10 Sep

 

Sing to me, O Muse, the cause of
a squeaky bra on the day I
presented my pimped-out PowerPoint
of which I was once so proud.

Not pearls, heels nor shaky laser pen
could take the attention from
these blushing cheeks
as each step bore the betrayal of creak

and squeak.

O, bra most exquisite!
What awkwardness thou hast provided
whilst supporting my superior bosom.

Continue not this costly crime against me,
for our intimate time
together has been not long

and I do not know if you can be fixed with WD-40.

Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:

 

 

Gentlemen,

Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.

Love,

Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

Young Marlon Brando

4 Sep

 

I was making my way into work this morning when a guy who looks like young Marlon Brando grabbed my arm:

Young Marlon Brando: Hi…

Me (pulling arm back): Hi?

Young Marlon Brando: Sorry, this is weird, but do you want to meet me for a drink after work?

Me: Does anyone ever tell you that you look like young Marlon Brando?

Young Marlon Brando: HEY STELLA!!

Me: Hahaha, that’s a yes. I’m Lauren. Do you work on campus?

Young Marlon Brando: No, I’m here on business. Will you meet me?

Me: How about Camden Pub at 5:15?

Young Marlon Brando: Looking forward to it.

 
And then he kissed my hand and walked away. Smooth. I didn’t get his name. Those eyes. Smooth indeed.

My, young Marlon Brando, what sexy lips you have….is it getting hot in here? No? I guess I did have a lot of coffee, which would explain why I’m so nervous and jittery. Just breathe, Lauren, you don’t even know that guy’s name. I need to keep it together. KEEP IT TOGETHER. I need to keep my legs together. Oh god, I should have worn panties today.

 

Lovely Blogger Curtsy

24 Aug

Thanks to the Mad Gay Man  for the Lovely Blogger Award! He is mad, gay, a man and an absolute treasure. He often has me guffawing at my computer screen, which I’m sure is appreciated by everyone in my workplace.

 

 

Now I have to share 7 things about myself because he said so:

– During a pilot lesson, I screamed the entire time that I landed the plane.

– I took an intensive Shakespeare class and to pass I had to play Sir Toby Belch in Twelfth Night. I was so nervous about acting that I drank half of my “prop” beforehand and performed drunk. Everyone thought it was fantastic and my professor suggested that I do more acting.

– There are a number of bloggers who are very important to me and I am grateful to have all of you in my life.

– Without cable or sufficient heat, I have found that dancing cures both boredom and the chill of cold winter days/nights.

– I am craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

– I used to hate getting unsolicited naked photos from you people, but now I kind of like it and I feel honored that ladies and gentlemen from far off places may want to share their bits and bobs with me (and no, I won’t share your photos, don’t worry).

– When I was a kid I ate the stuff that’s inside of glow sticks. I got a sore throat afterward and it didn’t even make my pee glow. What a bummer.

 
I don’t normally participate in these sorts of things, but if I did, I would award my girl Madame Weebles. She’s smart, has big boobs and is one witty bitch–I’m not sure what other reason you would need to click that link. Also, she’s a reiki master and I think that’s hella cool. I long for a good reiking.
 

Joys of Owning a Townhouse

1 Jun

 

Despite my strange Baltimore neighborhood, I love my unique 1940s house and I’m glad I bought it. My favorite room is the retro basement with wood paneling and shuffleboard vinyl tiles.

The best part about the house is that I don’t hear anything through the walls from my neighbors because there is an old married couple living on each side.

I have always assumed that in return, they hear nothing that I do. I didn’t know if that was true until today. When I woke this morning, I sneezed and my next door neighbor said “bless you” so I felt inclined to reply with “thank you” and he took it to the next level with a “you’re welcome.” I sat there for a moment, wide-eyed, jaw on the floor, wondering what else they’ve heard.

These things include, but are definitely not limited to:

  • Intense singing
  • Loud drunk talking
  • Beer tears
  • Pep talks I give to myself in the mirror
  • Weird Skype  sessions
  • Theme songs I make up for myself
  • The cusses I yell at insects that have invaded my personal space
  • Dirty talk
  • Blog posts being read aloud before I click ‘publish’
  • Evenings spent practicing different types of laughter. I dabble, but my favorites are sexy laugh, cute giggle, guffaw, evil laugh, stupid blonde girl laugh,  Muttley from Wacky Races, Beavis and Butthead, and that bashful buzzard from Loony Toons:
 
My friends, I shall remain forever horrified. Have a good weekend.

 

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