My house is in a very “unique” part of Baltimore called Hampden. There are characters everywhere and sometimes I sit alone on my porch, watch them and think to myself, “What the fucking fuck!?!”
Well, yesterday I was outside weeding and overheard one of my “unique” neighbors talking on the phone. He has a raging boner for me. I kind of enjoy that fact (not many dudes have a raging boner for me), so sometimes I walk outside, bend over to pick up my paper, smile and say something cute. He usually replies with something that reminds me that he has a raging boner for me and I get disgusted/secretly enjoy it and then I move on with my day. Have I mentioned, by the way, that I haven’t had sex since 2011? Because I haven’t had sex since 2011.
Anyway, yesterday I was looking forward to messing with him, but he wasn’t paying attention to me. Suddenly, I heard him say,
“O win lil sexee an’ me wint downy oshun citee it took frevr t’git uvr de Baybrij”
Translation: “When Little Sexy and I went to Ocean City, it took an extended period of time to drive over the Bay Bridge.”
Who is ‘Little Sexy?’ I thought to myself, is he over me?
Then he hung up the phone and called her name. “lil sexee c’mere!”
I stood and watched, waiting to see who exactly had stolen the heart of my white trash possible future husband. His 6-year-old daughter then skipped outside and he gave her an adornment of noogies. I sighed with relief, which was followed by utter shock that I even cared in the first place, which was only then followed by the realization that the man nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy.”
I need to go on a date with a real man and take a vacation to a far away place, people. I’m not letting go of my class just yet!
tales of a charm city chick 
You don’t have to fly first class to find a first class man in a first class far away place. 😉
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See you in 20 hours!
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Disturbing and Funny.
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John Waters does a good job portraying it!
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i have the perfect idea for where your vacation could be…
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My, how tempting 🙂
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Baltimoron <– I particularly liked that! haha
Also, fact, Hampden is also the name of the national football (soccer) stadium in Glasgow, Scotland!
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Awesome! I love Scotland. I have a post around here somewhere about it. Thanks for checking me out!
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Oh, gross. The only thing as disturbing as “Little Sexy” being a 6-year-old girl would be if “Little Sexy” was his 86-year-old grandma. I think I need a shower now.
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In this part of town I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
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Are there banjos playing? Or maybe you’re too young to have seen “Deliverance,” the movie where “Squeel like a piggie” takes on a whole new meaning.
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Unfortunately, I am not young enough to forget “it rubs the lotion on its skin.”
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Love it. If I ever get around to watching ‘The Wire’ again I’ll look out for you sat on your porch in the background!
FM
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I will be the one judging everyone haha
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He sounds dreamy, like the total package for sure. Don’t throw your class away yet pretty girl, I am sure someone who is worthy will have a raging one for you in no time. Until then though, have fun tormenting the father of the year.
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Haha thanks Simon. I basically thought of you while writing this and how you deserve a cool man award.
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That would be sweet, my Skype # is……kidding. Wait a minute, super dad reminded you of me?
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Hahaha, well I loved reading about your daughters and it reminded me of dads that might not be so great. Also, you give me hope that there are funny, normal men in the world.
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You are one of my new favorite people. I can assure you that there are other men way funnier and normal than I am but I doubt they are as handsome when buried neck deep in the sand.
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If they are out there and single, I am certain that none are as handsome buried in the sand haha.
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Ewww, he nicknamed his daughter “Little Sexy”? He should be thrown in jail just for that.
Btw, Mr. Weebles is also from Charm City (well, just outside B’more, in Anne Arundel Co), but he doesn’t have cool stories like you do. Maybe because not that many guys have had raging boners for him.
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I know. Gross.
Mr. Weebles represent! I like Anne Arundel, hopefully he lived by the water in Annapolis. Siighhh.
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Alas, he did not. He grew up in the landlocked area around BWI Airport.
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Booo
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Haha! I haven’t heard anyone say raging boner in a long time. The nickname is disturbing.
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Ballamer is an interesting place. You are beautiful. First class guy will show up. Your neighbor is really icky. xoxox
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Thanks! He’s coming, I know.
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And you are really young, don’t do anything serious until you are at least 30. 🙂
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I think if you ever see the little girl with makeup, or a “toddlers in tiaras” style dress, I would call the police. Who calls a six year old “little sexy”?
Although on the other hand, I have seen “The Wire” and that’s all true right?
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Elliot, this one is for you, buddy.
http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2011-03-10/entertainment/bs-md-ci-drug-raids-20110310_1_drug-raids-dea-and-baltimore-police-drug-dealers
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I think Rolling Stone or something similar did an article on Snoop detailing how she went from the drugs, to the show, and erm, back to the drugs again. I guess the 15 minutes of fame didn’t do her justice.
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I’m gay but I do have a hard on for you hon. 😉 But the “Little Sexy” nickname for his 6-year-old daughter kinda ruined it for me. *cryface*
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You’ll like this next one coming in a few minutes!
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scariest part of the whole blog…I didn’t need to read the translation. Sounds a lot like Delaware white trash talk.
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Haha, guess we aren’t too far apart and those people travel and breed like wildfire.
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like minks and rabbits
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LOL. your hampden spelling of how they speak is AMAZING.
i was at golden west and there was a older lady in crocks sitting outside all drunk. she asked these guys with a boom box if they had any led zepplin. she then sung it in perfect time.
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I think that lady asked me for a sandwich one time. I’m serious!
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Your sexy part of Charm City sounds like a part of Winnipeg that is starkly devoid of stay animals. Weird!
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