Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.


  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….


81 Responses to “Husband Requirements”

  1. Love and Lunchmeat November 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    You have an ex-boyfriend who collected puppets? No….


  2. Christopher De Voss November 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    Yes! *fist pump*


  3. jayne ayres November 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    I like your list….and that you have a cape. I think I have a towel I can clip around my neck.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

      Do it. Mine is just a pink sheet. They’ll never know the difference!


      • jayne ayres November 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

        hahahaha ok – I’ll just use a sparkly pin.


        • La La November 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

          Ooooooh good idea. We can bedazzle our capes, too!


  4. Someone Else November 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    would it be okay to borrow this list, and /or your future husband? i kid.β€”just the husband.


  5. Storkhunter November 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    I first read it as “don’t be a collector of puppies” I got really scared and then I read puppets and got scareder.
    My list includes respect my shoes


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

      Haha, yes, shoes must always be respected. Hopefully the puppets don’t end up in any nightmares. They were faceless, by the way. Faceless puppets.


  6. Carrie Rubin November 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    Wow, it really is a creepy dating world out there, isn’t it? I’m happy to report I’ve never been barfed on except in a professional capacity (in the hospital). Maybe I just wasn’t in the dating pool long enough to experience that treat.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Yes, it is a creepy dating world. So creepy. I’m almost done with it!


  7. rheath40 November 14, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    Love the list. The no butt rule is the best. And yes, I do get the lying rule too. We women do have super powers when it comes to that. You are Super Hot. Even without a cape. Keep at it missy. You will find a prince. If not a prince, then at least someone that won’t barf on you and makes you laugh. I figure if a man makes me laugh, he’s doable. Giggle.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

      Aww thank you!

      I know, if they make me laugh it’s like they already have my heart. Meanwhile, most of them make me laugh! Really, all you have to do is make me laugh and not throw up on me. Shouldn’t be too hard. πŸ˜‰


      • rheath40 November 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

        There should be the stipulation that should not be an asshole either. πŸ˜‰


  8. RFL November 14, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    I kinda want to drink whiskey with you now! Great list!


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

      Thanks. I’m on my way!


  9. Madame Weebles November 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    This is a good idea. I think I’ll draft a letter to my future husband too.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

      But Robert Cornelius already has everything you need in a man!


      • Madame Weebles November 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

        That’s so true. Except for the whole being alive thing.


        • La La November 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

          That whole thing. Details, details.


          • Madame Weebles November 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

            My mother always did say I was too picky when it came to men. Maybe she’s right.


  10. diirrty November 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    I’m out, because I think you’re crazy and I’d have to tell you. Oh, and letting the door hit you might be funny if it hit you on the ass. Oops.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

      Fightin’ words. You best stay away because I’m small, but I’m fast!


      • diirrty November 15, 2012 at 2:22 am #

        Yeah… I kinda think I’m faster. And I kinda think you know it. πŸ˜›


        • La La November 15, 2012 at 7:37 am #

          I’d loove to test that someday.


  11. Lance November 14, 2012 at 2:23 pm #

    No butt stuff? NEXT!


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

      Lance from nsync? Is that you?


      • Lance November 14, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

        No, I am another Lance who likes butt stuff.


        • La La November 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

          My bad, other Lance who likes butt stuff. Carry on.


          • Lance November 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

            Oh I will!!!!!


  12. Lori DiNardi November 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Very creative. You might want to add that not pooping in his pants also means no skid marks. πŸ˜‰ BTW, IMO humor is the glue for a marriage. My hubby still makes me laugh 28 years later.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      Laughter really is the best medicine!


  13. calahan November 14, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

    If the guy lets go of the door and it hits you in the butt, does that count as butt stuff? Or do you mean more like how two male rams butt one another with their horns?


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

      Hmph. Yes, I suppose that can count as butt stuff. Smarty pants.


      • calahan November 14, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

        Yeah, I’m pretty darned worldly and sophisticated.


        • La La November 14, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

          Hence the tips for the ladies. It’s all coming together.


  14. Aaron November 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    Are these full time requirements? Cause, I mean thats a pretty big list to have too always adhere to. Some stuff sure I get it, no but stuff I have the same rule for mine, but what if like he dropped you once because his arms were tired from fighting the zombie apocalypse. But there were all those times he wanted to drop you and didn’t, shouldn’t he get credit for that? Seems like a tall order.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      Okay, there are exceptions for some of these. Like, if you poop on my floor because we were in traffic and you got food poisoning and couldn’t make it to the bathroom on time, I will understand….but you will be cleaning it up. However, if you throw up on me, regardless of the situation, you’re out.


      • Aaron November 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

        Ok that’s seems a bit more reasonable.


  15. becca3416 November 14, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    I really hope number 13 didn’t ever actually happen to you. But, if it did, I hope he knew how to use a pooper scooper.


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

      All of these have happened. I got the pants pooper and a friend of mine got floor pooper. I’d be outside dry-heaving.


      • becca3416 November 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

        Pants pooper isn’t as traumatic as floor pooper. Poor thing.


        • La La November 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm #

          I know. They’re still together, mind you.


  16. Peaches November 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    I wrote something similar to this once upon a time and then I met the guy! Actually…I already knew him…we just sort of figured out that we liked each other. (took a damn long enough time.)


    • La La November 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm #

      Like the secret. Interestingly, that’s exactly what is happening for me.


      • Peaches November 14, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

        Awww….guys are so silly…and sweet.


  17. Pigeon Heart November 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

    haaaaaa. you are the smartest. I need to follow my MANifestation suit!


  18. Maddie Cochere November 15, 2012 at 2:05 am #

    Very good future husband list. I compared it to my present husband to see if he was lacking. … Nope, his poop is under control, and he grills SPAM. We’re good.


  19. gingerfightback November 15, 2012 at 5:32 am #

    You don’t want much do you! This is men you are talking about – arms, bowel control and honest? – jeez I’d marry him!


    • La La November 15, 2012 at 7:39 am #

      I’m just too picky I guess!


      • gingerfightback November 15, 2012 at 9:22 am #

        If you lost the requirement for arms you’d be surprised how much bigger the market would be! Just finished series 3 of The Wire – I never would have guessed Avon whacked Stringer!


  20. kenthinksaloud November 15, 2012 at 5:48 am #

    Might suggest, for legal reasons, that not being married should probably be in there somewhere. Just sayin…


    • La La November 15, 2012 at 7:41 am #

      And yet the ones who love me all are. Weird.


      • kenthinksaloud November 16, 2012 at 7:51 am #

        You need some kind of sign that indicates married men shouldn’t come near. Maybe like a tazer or something…


  21. mikeakin1 November 15, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    That’s a perfecto list for you LaLa πŸ™‚


  22. davidhardingblogs November 15, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

    Look, I don’t want to show off or anything, but I DO fill all of your requirements. (Plus some others you didn’t think of: Have all your original teeth, Have all your original elbows, Drink water out of a glass.) So, I will be expecting your proposal in the mail very soon.
    Again, I’m not trying to up myself, it’s just well, I’m awesome.
    PS: They are carving a statue of me to be placed outside the Lincoln Memorial.


    • La La November 15, 2012 at 10:49 pm #

      Original teeth? *swoon*

      However, this does not beat the marriage proposal/offer of free healthcare I received on twitter last night from a Canadian who likes to dance to Ellen. Now that’s my kinda man.


  23. La La November 15, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    They’re so….real…..


  24. Andrew November 15, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

    No pooping on the floor? Talk about high maintenance… (I apologize if that terrible joke has already been made). Oh and awesome list.


    • La La November 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

      I know, I’m so picky. Sue me.


      • Andrew November 16, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

        Wait, has that happened?


        • La La November 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

          It has happened…it has indeed. All of it has, unfortunately!


          • Andrew November 17, 2012 at 11:39 am #

            Wow… this list has totally new meaning. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or a better person… Or Jesus, I don’t know now.


  25. The Bumble Files November 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm #

    Oh, La La. You’ve been dropped and thrown up on. You’ve been through the ringer. Not to mention the puppets. That’s freaky. You deserve the very best.


    • La La November 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

      Thanks lady. I think I’ve found it πŸ™‚


      • The Bumble Files November 18, 2012 at 2:25 am #

        Oh, I hope so! Will he be reading the list…You must make him sign it.


  26. Jen and Tonic November 18, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    #13 had be legit laughing until I snorted. Did that seriously happen to you?

    Also, “well-hung” is missing from the list.


    • La La November 18, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

      Yes ma’am, it’s all real. Well hung…not sure how I forgot that! haha. Too nervous about the other things I guess πŸ˜‰


  27. Cakes and Shakes... November 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    OMG, I was sure you were describing my man, until I realised he gives me whiskey and calls me crazy all the time, phew!


    • La La November 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

      hahaha, phew, you’re good to go, sister.


  28. The Hook November 19, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    Good luck!
    If i was single… You could reject me!



  1. Obligatory Search Terms Post « - January 15, 2013

    […] 2. I do have requirements, you can find them at this location.Β  […]


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