Tag Archives: sex

Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.


Requirements

  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….

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Color Me Creeped Out

12 Jul

 

I was just 7 years old when the song “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd came out in 1991 and I am wondering, did anyone think it was sexy? Men, did you play this song whilst laying a woman down by a fire? Ladies, did you hope any members of this group would sex you up?

Good lord, just look at those guys. Hey, George Michael, I didn’t know you were in Color Me Badd. And look at that one guy’s mustache–if that man said he wanted to sex me up, I would spray that ‘stache with mace and run away. Also, unless you’re going to be giving me Ambien, I don’t think it’s possible for us to “do it ’til we both wake up.” What an absurd thing to say.

I’m also wondering if anyone thought “Do Me!” by Bell Biv DeVoe was hot? Sometimes this song comes on SiriusXM 90s on 9 while I am driving to work and if I don’t turn the channel fast enough, it makes me feel like my ears are being sexually harassed.

 

 

No, I do not want to do you in the morning or in the night, but thank you for the offer, Bell Biv DeVoe. Oh, and no, you definitely can not smack it up, flip it or rub it down.

The last question I have for everyone older than me–have you ever actually been laid down by a fire? Have you ever laid someone down by a fire? I am just curious. I want to be laid down by a fire, but part of me thinks it would get uncomfortably hot in the room. That’s what happens in my imagination, anyway, and then we have to switch rooms and it’s like ugggh we should have just done it in this room anyway and then afterward, someone has to go make sure the fire went out and it’s kind of annoying to get up (because I know it would have to be me) and then I go to sleep kind of annoyed that I “have to do everything around here.”

Drugstore Exchange

10 Jul

A 15-year-old girl bought condoms at the drugstore at 9:30 pm last night. She smiled as she walked out the door. Behind her in line was a kind of hot police officer and behind the kind of hot officer was yours truly.

 

Kind of hot police officer to saleswoman: Looks like she’s going to have a good time tonight.

Saleswoman: What?

Kind of hot police officer: I can’t believe you just sold condoms to that little girl.

Saleswoman: I can’t turn her down. She’s a teenager, at least she’s being safe.

Me: Teen pregnancy rates are really high around here, I say good for her.

Kind of hot police officer: I would have been embarrassed buying condoms at that age.

Me: Sounds like someone was a wuss when he was a teenager.

Kind of hot police officer (giving me the evil eye): What does she know about ribbed condoms?

Me: Enough to be buying them, unless it was a fortunate accident and tonight she will find out the benefits of ribbed condoms.

Girl behind me in line: What?

Kind of hot police officer: She shouldn’t be allowed to buy condoms. I would have said no if she tried to buy them from me.

Me: What? First of all, there is no age restriction on condom sales and secondly, that girl is being safe. In fact, I’m going run after her and applaud her. I’m going to give her a high five for having safe sex!

Kind of hot police officer: What if she were your daughter?

Me: If she were my daughter and I found out after the fact, I would simply ask if she used protection, if she’s okay and if she has any questions.

Kind of hot police officer: Whatever ladies, have a good night.

Saleswoman: Honey, you sassed that officer.

Me: I know, I got kind of fired up.

Saleswoman: Well hey, please don’t run after that girl and clap, she might get scared.

Me: She’s awesome, but I woooon’t, I won’t.

__________________
Also, I saw a couple of Sesame Street updates today. Here’s my share–it’s “The Count Censored.”

The Female Reaction to Magic Mike

2 Jul

You can leave your hat on.

 

One week ago, I turned on a TV for the first time in two months and saw a preview for “Magic Mike.” At first I thought it was a joke, and then I thought it was a dream, and then I realized no…no, this is real and women all over the earth must be going out of their minds about it.

I’m going to see it tomorrow with two of my friends. However, after reading Rachelle’s post on A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It, it made me question the reason women are going to see it.

I hope that the ladies choosing to see this movie aren’t doing so as a means of retaliation against menfolk for going to strip clubs and watching porn. If a guy is mad because you’re going to see the movie, then I guess he “has to deal with it” the way women are told “to deal with it,” but it seems rather juvenile to rub it in his face, no? Instead, I hope women will take this opportunity to be in the spectator role that we rarely experience in such a way–whether it be in movies or real life. Besides the fact that Channing Tatum is a hunk, the movie provides a change from the usual cinematic divide between men and women and I guess we should give three cheers for having the option to watch 5 dudes gyrate and take off their clothes to “It’s Raining Men.” It’s a nice option to have.

I have only one question, and it might be my lack of a man talking, but why is “Magic Mike” not being shown in 3D?

Talk Nerdy to Me

29 Jun

 

While I may not look like a nerd, I have always been one at the core of my being. My inner nerd adores Shakespeare, knows the General Prologue to The Canterbury Tales in Middle English, loves video games and almost got an Elvish tattoo.

Because I am one, I have been known on occasion to fancy a nerd. I like the way their brains work. Also, many of you may not know that they are actually quite stellar in the bedroom because they aim to please and it’s easy to connect with them (perhaps this isn’t true about all nerds, but I am going on what I know and what I’ve heard).

There are several nerdy guys for whom I’ve felt the jones in my bones:

 

1. Liam. He’s an intelligent, lanky IT guy with an accent. He has mad sexy computer skills and a serious case of tall dick. I’d still have his babies.

2. Ben. He has super thick glasses and loves himself some Dance Dance Revolution. When the Wii came out, we played Zelda for 17 hours straight, slept, and then did the same thing the very next day.

3. Jim. He built his computer and he knows a lot about space. He used to buy me wine and talk about space for hours. It was hot. He also has a case of tall dick. He looked a lot like Anthony Edwards in Revenge of the Nerds.

4. Derek. This guy plays the violin, has a boisterous laugh and is a walking encyclopedia. He’s an IT guy in my building and sometimes I “have a problem with my computer” so he will come talk to me. He blushes a lot.

5. Ashton. He likes all things Japan and plays the flute in a video game band. Everyone loves a flutist. Also, he likes The Lord of the Rings. Bonus!

 

So, does any one else have a thing for nerds? Does anyone have a shirt that says “Frodo Lives!”? No? Oh, well then, me either……

things they want me to do in bed.

26 Jun

Not those things. These things:

 

 

Once upon a time, my friend and I went to the bar, got drunk and she spent the night. We went up to my room and she watched me do my evening routine (above).

 

K: This is the least sexy thing I have ever watched.

Me: What? They say to use the Biofreeze and dog bone for my neck, the cast thing to keep my arm straight while I sleep, the sock thing goes under it and the green band so my hair doesn’t get in my face and make me break out.

 

Then I went and looked in the mirror and I was not hot at all, so I did a dance.
 

K: It’s still not sexy.

Me (air humping): Boys love it.

K: When’s the last time a boy saw your room?

Me (still dancing): 2011.

K: We are going to fix this, and when we do, no Biofreeze.

Me (doing some form of dougie): I know, I’ve already learned that lesson.

K: Poor guy.

Me (still douging): Poor me too! Don’t worry though, a hero will soon save me from sexual deprivation, I feel him coming.

K: Hah, coming.

Me (more douging): Come, let’s dougie.

 

And so we did, at 3 am, to no music.

Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun

 

I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.

a unique pep talk

29 May

My friend and I went to breakfast last week after a night out. By 9 am we had already exhausted ourselves talking about sex and men and we both agreed that we are confused by women who don’t enjoy getting freaky.

Then this happened:

Sara: Do you feel like you are “acting out” as a way of coping?

Me: I am not “acting out.” I feel stronger, really, and I just want to be normal.

Sara: You’re crazy and that’s okay.

Me: Well, a little bit, but not like “crazy crazy.”

Sara: The harsh reality is that you’re a crazy person. We both are. It’s time to accept and embrace this fact. I mean, you fart on cats, flash your boobs to strangers on Skype and you get angry at boyfriends when they are too tired to give you sex. Also, you believe a ghost tried to have sex with you and you backed it up with a reference to Baywatch.

Me: It was only one cat and only one stranger. I don’t like not having sex and I just think that when you get the chills it means you’re having sex with a ghost–I saw it on Baywatch.

Sara: Listen, there are plenty more reasons and I am just saying, you’re great, smart and beautiful and the more you accept your unique self, the better.

Me: I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my unique ship. I’ve got this.

Sara: Theeere she is.

Name That Porn Star!

24 May

I have learned a lot about men over the past few years simply from sitting with two adult men at lunch everyday. Sometimes I leave the table feeling like a man, sometimes I leave enjoying the banter and other times I leave the table feeling like kicking some nuts.

Usually they pick on me or talk about movies, naked people on HBO or women. Today we discussed porn (ahh yes, my favorite lunchtime topic) and  made porn names for each other. It is common knowledge that to make your porn name, you combine the name of your first pet  (or middle name) and the street you grew up on. That would make my porn name “Tilly Dulaney.” I think that could work. Then we decided to try it with our first name combined with an alcohol or mixed drink. Mine was an obvious pun choice of “Lauren Liqueur.” What’s yours?

The conversation then lead into “who has the higher porn star IQ,” which of course resulted in the creation a game show called “Name That  Porn Star!”

Rules: A third-party (me) will print 14 photos of porn stars and the boys will use a buzzer downloaded on their smart phones to buzz in as quickly as possible with the answer. The prize will be a bottle of Ron de Jeremy rum (ron is spanish for rum….how clever of you, Ron). 

Creepy.

Normally I wouldn’t participate in such an event, but I volunteered for this. Why? Because they didn’t say it has to be all women. I put a few normal women in, sure, but the rest were weird-looking girls, an old porn star and a couple of chicks with pun names. I also added twins, threw a number of nude male porn stars into the mix and added Screech from Saved by the Bell (because yes, I watched his sex tape “Screeched” out of curiosity and it was a genuine train wreck. I can’t ever unwatch that).

Anyway, I thought it would be funny to do it that way instead of just printing pictures of hot women. My porn star IQ is now probably higher than the both of them combined…so maybe I will keep the Ron de Jeremy for myself!

Who wants to take my 2012 virginity?

18 May

It’s happening again–the mens wanna get with me. To be honest, I hate it when my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard because it’s always a weird mix of sex fiends and complete dorks.

All those fuckers are lined up around the block and they only want 1 thing–my 2012 virginity. Yes, it has been awhile, and it’s about time I give it up. Which one of those lucky fellas will it be? It’s going to be hard, but tomorrow I make my choice.

Will it be you? Yeaaah, you would like that, wouldn’t you? I bet you’re looking forward to bending me over my desk and showing me how good you are at your “sexy” man stuff. One minute of ecstasy never sounded so good.

I’ll do anything. you. want. First, though, you’ll have to get me nice and liquored up so I take off my clothes (a cheap bottle of wine should do it).

Now…first my heels, then my shirt…my skirt…. followed by my

Miraclesuit

Ahh..nice to breathe again….and oh baby, you’ll just lose your mind when I take off my

I know how you like seeing hard nipples. All the time. My left one is a little slow, but I want to keep you satisfied.

Oh, and  please just ignore my  “my breast friend” cooling patches–it gets hot in that body suit….

…and finally, you’ll lick you lips when I remove my leopard print booty pop panties.

It best be perky if you have to stare at it, darling. I’ll just keep on my makeup until you pass out.

Sexy Saturday, here I come (and if I don’t, I guess while you’re snoring I can just go ahead and take care of that myself)!

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