Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.
Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.
Requirements
- Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.
-
Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.
-
You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.
-
It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…
-
You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.
-
The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*
-
Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.
-
Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.
-
Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.
-
You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.
-
It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.
-
You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.
-
Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.
-
Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.
-
Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.
So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.
Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.
*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….
tales of a charm city chick 
You have an ex-boyfriend who collected puppets? No….
LikeLike
We went on a few dates. Read it and weep.
LikeLike
hahahh!
LikeLike
Yes! *fist pump*
LikeLike
I like your list….and that you have a cape. I think I have a towel I can clip around my neck.
LikeLike
Do it. Mine is just a pink sheet. They’ll never know the difference!
LikeLike
hahahaha ok – I’ll just use a sparkly pin.
LikeLike
Ooooooh good idea. We can bedazzle our capes, too!
LikeLike
yes …and thats where bedazzling stops!
LikeLike
would it be okay to borrow this list, and /or your future husband? i kid.—just the husband.
LikeLike
Get your own, lady!
LikeLike
will do! 🙂
LikeLike
I first read it as “don’t be a collector of puppies” I got really scared and then I read puppets and got scareder.
My list includes respect my shoes
LikeLike
Haha, yes, shoes must always be respected. Hopefully the puppets don’t end up in any nightmares. They were faceless, by the way. Faceless puppets.
LikeLike
Wow, it really is a creepy dating world out there, isn’t it? I’m happy to report I’ve never been barfed on except in a professional capacity (in the hospital). Maybe I just wasn’t in the dating pool long enough to experience that treat.
LikeLike
Yes, it is a creepy dating world. So creepy. I’m almost done with it!
LikeLike
Love the list. The no butt rule is the best. And yes, I do get the lying rule too. We women do have super powers when it comes to that. You are Super Hot. Even without a cape. Keep at it missy. You will find a prince. If not a prince, then at least someone that won’t barf on you and makes you laugh. I figure if a man makes me laugh, he’s doable. Giggle.
LikeLike
Aww thank you!
I know, if they make me laugh it’s like they already have my heart. Meanwhile, most of them make me laugh! Really, all you have to do is make me laugh and not throw up on me. Shouldn’t be too hard. 😉
LikeLike
There should be the stipulation that should not be an asshole either. 😉
LikeLike
I kinda want to drink whiskey with you now! Great list!
LikeLike
Thanks. I’m on my way!
LikeLike
This is a good idea. I think I’ll draft a letter to my future husband too.
LikeLike
But Robert Cornelius already has everything you need in a man!
LikeLike
That’s so true. Except for the whole being alive thing.
LikeLike
That whole thing. Details, details.
LikeLike
My mother always did say I was too picky when it came to men. Maybe she’s right.
LikeLike
I’m out, because I think you’re crazy and I’d have to tell you. Oh, and letting the door hit you might be funny if it hit you on the ass. Oops.
LikeLike
Fightin’ words. You best stay away because I’m small, but I’m fast!
LikeLike
Yeah… I kinda think I’m faster. And I kinda think you know it. 😛
LikeLike
I’d loove to test that someday.
LikeLike
No butt stuff? NEXT!
LikeLike
Lance from nsync? Is that you?
LikeLike
No, I am another Lance who likes butt stuff.
LikeLike
My bad, other Lance who likes butt stuff. Carry on.
LikeLike
Oh I will!!!!!
LikeLike
Very creative. You might want to add that not pooping in his pants also means no skid marks. 😉 BTW, IMO humor is the glue for a marriage. My hubby still makes me laugh 28 years later.
LikeLike
Laughter really is the best medicine!
LikeLike
If the guy lets go of the door and it hits you in the butt, does that count as butt stuff? Or do you mean more like how two male rams butt one another with their horns?
LikeLike
Hmph. Yes, I suppose that can count as butt stuff. Smarty pants.
LikeLike
Yeah, I’m pretty darned worldly and sophisticated.
LikeLike
Hence the tips for the ladies. It’s all coming together.
LikeLike
Are these full time requirements? Cause, I mean thats a pretty big list to have too always adhere to. Some stuff sure I get it, no but stuff I have the same rule for mine, but what if like he dropped you once because his arms were tired from fighting the zombie apocalypse. But there were all those times he wanted to drop you and didn’t, shouldn’t he get credit for that? Seems like a tall order.
LikeLike
Okay, there are exceptions for some of these. Like, if you poop on my floor because we were in traffic and you got food poisoning and couldn’t make it to the bathroom on time, I will understand….but you will be cleaning it up. However, if you throw up on me, regardless of the situation, you’re out.
LikeLike
Ok that’s seems a bit more reasonable.
LikeLike
I really hope number 13 didn’t ever actually happen to you. But, if it did, I hope he knew how to use a pooper scooper.
LikeLike
All of these have happened. I got the pants pooper and a friend of mine got floor pooper. I’d be outside dry-heaving.
LikeLike
Pants pooper isn’t as traumatic as floor pooper. Poor thing.
LikeLike
I know. They’re still together, mind you.
LikeLike
That’s true love.
LikeLike
I wrote something similar to this once upon a time and then I met the guy! Actually…I already knew him…we just sort of figured out that we liked each other. (took a damn long enough time.)
LikeLike
Like the secret. Interestingly, that’s exactly what is happening for me.
LikeLike
Awww….guys are so silly…and sweet.
LikeLike
haaaaaa. you are the smartest. I need to follow my MANifestation suit!
LikeLike
Very good future husband list. I compared it to my present husband to see if he was lacking. … Nope, his poop is under control, and he grills SPAM. We’re good.
LikeLike
AND two arms? Lucky!
LikeLike
You don’t want much do you! This is men you are talking about – arms, bowel control and honest? – jeez I’d marry him!
LikeLike
I’m just too picky I guess!
LikeLike
If you lost the requirement for arms you’d be surprised how much bigger the market would be! Just finished series 3 of The Wire – I never would have guessed Avon whacked Stringer!
LikeLike
Might suggest, for legal reasons, that not being married should probably be in there somewhere. Just sayin…
LikeLike
And yet the ones who love me all are. Weird.
LikeLike
You need some kind of sign that indicates married men shouldn’t come near. Maybe like a tazer or something…
LikeLike
That’s a perfecto list for you LaLa 🙂
LikeLike
Look, I don’t want to show off or anything, but I DO fill all of your requirements. (Plus some others you didn’t think of: Have all your original teeth, Have all your original elbows, Drink water out of a glass.) So, I will be expecting your proposal in the mail very soon.
Again, I’m not trying to up myself, it’s just well, I’m awesome.
PS: They are carving a statue of me to be placed outside the Lincoln Memorial.
LikeLike
Original teeth? *swoon*
However, this does not beat the marriage proposal/offer of free healthcare I received on twitter last night from a Canadian who likes to dance to Ellen. Now that’s my kinda man.
LikeLike
Oh yeah??? Look into my teeth… look into my teeth…
LikeLike
They’re so….real…..
LikeLike
No pooping on the floor? Talk about high maintenance… (I apologize if that terrible joke has already been made). Oh and awesome list.
LikeLike
I know, I’m so picky. Sue me.
LikeLike
Wait, has that happened?
LikeLike
It has happened…it has indeed. All of it has, unfortunately!
LikeLike
Wow… this list has totally new meaning. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or a better person… Or Jesus, I don’t know now.
LikeLike
Oh, La La. You’ve been dropped and thrown up on. You’ve been through the ringer. Not to mention the puppets. That’s freaky. You deserve the very best.
LikeLike
Thanks lady. I think I’ve found it 🙂
LikeLike
Oh, I hope so! Will he be reading the list…You must make him sign it.
LikeLike
He has read it!
LikeLike
#13 had be legit laughing until I snorted. Did that seriously happen to you?
Also, “well-hung” is missing from the list.
LikeLike
Yes ma’am, it’s all real. Well hung…not sure how I forgot that! haha. Too nervous about the other things I guess 😉
LikeLike
OMG, I was sure you were describing my man, until I realised he gives me whiskey and calls me crazy all the time, phew!
LikeLike
hahaha, phew, you’re good to go, sister.
LikeLike
Good luck!
If i was single… You could reject me!
LikeLike