Archive | December, 2012

Becca and La La’s New Year’s Eve Celebration

29 Dec

Becca and I were sitting around last night, trying to decide to what to do on New Year’s Eve:
 

 
Guess what? You’re invited!

Join Becca and La La for a New Year’s Eve Celebration!

When: New Year’s Eve, duh! Come anytime you want, we will be there and already drunk, probably.

Where: La La’s house!

Bring: A snack of your choice, wine or beer and a change of underwear….what? You never know what could happen and no, you can’t borrow Becca’s underwear (and I don’t wear any because of a dress tucking incident) so it’s best to just come prepared.
 
RSVP in the comments and we will include you in a follow-up post about how much fun we all had!

 

Directions:

1. Drive to the airport

2. Fly to BWI, get in a cab and take I-95 N

3. Take the creepy exit (lock your doors, please)

4. Drive 2 miles and turn left at the homeless man with peg legs (don’t ask him if he was a pirate because 1. it’s rude and 2. he gets really angry)

5. Go to the house with the front porch and black roof

6. Leave your shirt at the door!

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Happy Holidays

24 Dec

Happy Holidays!

IMG_20121222_190320

 

I’m at my parents’ house drinking wine. The usual. Christmas Eve will be more exciting next year because I will have a special guest with me (Hint: It’s Chris).

I wasn’t planning an update today, but needed to share a beautiful Christmas moment with you. The majority of the cards I get at Christmastime come for the people who owned my house three years ago. I’m glad they haven’t mentioned their change of address to family members because this postcard came and touched me ever so deeply…and gently… in ways I can’t quite explain and much like the little baby Jesus, it is a glorious gift from heaven above:

 

2012-12-21_14-40-51_832

 

That family riding those magical cats and I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to everyone! I am so grateful for this community and those who are, for some reason, still reading this blog. I love you all!

Also, coming soon to a blog near you, a video from my lady friend Becca and I. It will be worth watching, probably. Stay tuned.

She’s An Animal

17 Dec

Hunted

Your predatory plans are flawed,
my insatiable omnivore.

“Surrender–
I want the dirty girl hiding behind that sweet face,”
you say, salivating.

Cornered. Unsuspecting. Prey.

You think you will
take me down and
and devour me alive.

I think you forget
this is not my first time being hunted.

 

Alligator

Powerful and poised,
primal energy patiently
waits in the shallows.

Her time is coming.

Precision in motion, timing personified,
she has chosen wisely
and remains hidden
until her moment to shine.

Her subtle confidence
communicates strength and exudes knowing.

13 Dec

You didn’t miss it, but in case you missed it….

PizzaBoxDrawcember

7 Dec

In case you didn’t know, David Harding’s cousin wanted someone working at the pizza emporium to draw a picture on a pizza box and now David Harding has declared it PizzaBoxDrawcember. I will be participating in this event because:

A. I like food.

B. I like David Harding. He’s silly and talented and you should follow him. He’s Australian, ladies, but he’s married, so keep those panties intact.

C. I am due for a pizza and wine bender while I wait for my boyfriend to get off work and then he’s like, “You sound miserable, did you eat a whole pizza again?” and I’m like, “Absolutely.”

My last pizza bender involved waking up at 10:30 pm to an empty pizza box, two ice cream cone wrappers and what appeared to be a ‘food baby’ pregnancy.

This had me wondering if other people also go on pizza benders and lucky for those reading this, a Google search did me no wrong. What I found is a video of a guy drinking warm Newcastle Ale amidst a Hall & Oates pizza bender. Perfect!

According to the “About” section, he proceeded to eat the ‘za and do farts, all while listening to Hall & Oats. This was the morning of a wedding that he and his brother attended. He drank approximately 9 beers by the time he got to the wedding and that evening led to his brother ripping off his own shirt like superman and the star of this video climbing up a mountainside in the pitch dark.

If you do not like burps, farts, Hall & Oates or boys, I do not suggest that you click play. Personally, I think this is a masterpiece and I believe that all men are disgustingly fabulous works of art and I veritably adore them.

 

My Knight in Shining Nakedness

5 Dec

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.

The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.

Oh, sweet illusion!

One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.

He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!

And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!

Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.

Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.

I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.

I so want a sunset.

A Dolly for Sue

3 Dec

I have to be honest with you guys, I am bitter about Christmas. The actual day is always nice, but everything surrounding it gives me a case of the mean reds. It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m getting older, I live alone, I only get one channel, my house is freezing cold and so on…

Look, this is my tree:

 

tree

 

One thing I do love about Christmastime? Stop-motion animation. You know, Rankin Bass style. My favorite is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Surely you’ve seen it:
 

Rudolph

Rudolph and Hermey have a jam sesh


 
If you haven’t, basically what happens is that Rudolph’s parents hate his nose so they try to cover it up and during training his fake nose pops off and his girlfriend Clarice’s dad is all “heeell no” and Rudolph is sad so he runs away from home and goes on an adventure where he meets Hermey (aspiring elf dentist who also ran away) and a dude named Yukon Cornelius…the greatest prospector in the north. I am disgusted by the way he licks his ice pick. They join together and eventually the traveling trio come across The Island of Misfit Toys where everyone, of course, sings a song:

 

 

There was a question that plagued me each year as I watched this part. What’s wrong with the Dolly for Sue? She looks just fine to me (yes I have too much time on my hands).

This year, I finally looked it up to see if there is an explanation. Sure enough, I am not the only curious one. In his book “The Enchanted World of Rankin Bass,” Rick Goldschmidt explains, “In the original broadcast the Dolly’s screen time is mere seconds. I don’t believe Romeo Muller really gave the character much thought. She was granted more screen time in the 1965 and 1997 broadcasts which ultimately led many a fan to wonder what was wrong with her. Arthur Rankin says that Dolly’s problem is more psychological.”

While the rest of the toys were made incorrectly, the girly toy’s problem is psychological. Interesting.

So, what do you think?

My explanation is that her rag doll boyfriend dumped her because things just weren’t working out, so she got depressed and instead of coming back a stronger doll, she just cries, feels bad for herself and eats french fries all the time and the other misfit toys gossip and say things like “Greeeaat, here comes Dolly for Sue again, what a downer.”

Good god, Dolly, you’re embarrassing yourself. Get off your ass already and have some self-respect.

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