Archive | December, 2013

A Quickie

31 Dec

According to my WordPress Annual Report, my most popular topics in 2013 were:

1. Stuff I did on Ambien
2. My first time
3. Young James Spader
4. Guys stripping on Skype
5. My boobs

WordPress suggests I talk more on these subjects.

I am so, so very grateful that people care about these topics, but what else could I possibly say?

Boobs? Still got ’em. “My First Time” was actually about death, so no thanks.

Thankfully, I haven’t seen any douchey guys strip on Skype and my opinion still stands that James Spader was hot when he was young.

So…now what? Well, I guess new and somewhat interesting posts will just have to exist! Stay tuned for all kinds of titles laced with innuendo. You’re so excited right now. I can feel it.

To be honest, I would still write about whatever keeps me sane whether I had 1 view or 40,000 views in a year. It just happens to be that the latter number was more accurate in 2013, so I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone for your support. You’re awesome!

A lot of you are a bunch of pervs and I guess some of you like poetry, but I love all of you just the same and not by the one abnormally long hair on my chinny-chin-chin would I have you any other way.

Cheers! Happy New Year!

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8 Perfect Gifts for Ladies

23 Dec

So, you waited until today to buy your lady a gift and you have no idea what you’re looking for. Naughty. Fortunately, I have a keen eye for all things unique and beautiful, as seen in my award-winning piece about dresses, and I’m about to save your life with this list of perfect gifts for ladies.
 

1. Grumpy Cat Tank Top

grumpycat

The Grumpy Cat tank top is great for the fashionista in your life. I mean, it’s Grumpy Cat being grumpy and possibly howling at the moon…and it’s a TANK TOP. Women named Julie and Jen will be shocked by its perfection and this summer our jaws will drop when we see all the trendy moms in visors and fanny packs wearing this very tank top over their bathing suits at the water park. You heard it here first!
 
 

2. Stix Eyewear (not to be confused with Styx, the band I love)

stix_eyewear2

This is an ideal gift for the gal who wears glasses and often uses chopsticks for food and/or her hair. I guess that is super specific….I don’t know, maybe you’re buying for your best friend who also happens to be a nearsighted geisha spy. If so, this is your lucky day!
 
 

3. Heated Snake Rug

rug

Mom won’t be passive aggressively criticizing any of your choices this holiday season after she receives a heated snake rug. You might have to help her get in and out of it because this doesn’t look like an easy process. If you would say your mom isn’t much of a slitherer, a heated blanket may or may not be a better choice.
 
 

4. Extremely Classy Duvet

duvet

Your girlfriend will love this duvet much more than an engagement ring. I promise. All her friends who recently got engaged will be so jealous when you post it on Facebook! “I want this instead!” they’ll shout at their betrotheds. You best pick out a fancy cape because you, sir, are about to be a hero.
 
 

5. Diamond Ice Cube Tray

diamond-icecubes

This is a really good gift for a girlfriend you’ve been with for 8 years or so. The moment she sees it she will need a drink and if she cries, it’s likely because she’s so happy.

 
 

6. Shittens

shittens-mitten-moist-wipes-4

Your wife wants Shittens, trust me. Shittens are disposable mitten-shaped moist wipes. Also, just so we’re clear, they’re for butts.
 
 
7. Banana Bunker

banana

A gift for all women everywhere–the Banana Bunker. It’s strictly for bananas. I don’t know a single woman who likes a bruised banana and that’s why this is a great gift. I say buy a pack and give them to coworkers, your sister, your aunt and anyone else who doesn’t like bruised bananas. What a great stocking stuffer!
 
 
Aaaaannd last but not least….
 
8. Wine Rack

winerack-med

Another thing your girlfriend probably wants is a wine rack. Okay, maybe it’s just me that wants this. Someone please buy me this for Christmas. Please? Anyone? I just want to drink wine out of my sports bra already.

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Ultimate Makeout Session Mix

17 Dec

Yesterday I learned that many of you have listened to certain songs when having or imagining a makeout session. From this prompt I also learned that I know a bunch of wonderful weirdos.

As a little gift to you this holiday season, I made a playlist of our songs to help listeners have an amazing makeout session!

Long time lovers? Trying to impress someone on the first date? This playlist will work wonders–I promise. Okay, so maybe the results were a little different from what I imagined….and there are a few ads in there so that’s annoying, but the playlist will serve its purpose so you better do so much kissing and touching and stuff to these songs! DO IT. ALL THE SEXY TIMES.

Just think, soon this could be you:

the-10-worst-kisses-in-the-universe-1-12314-1366168761-10_big

But hopefully better. This is not good. Don’t do it this way.

Whoever you’re kissing will thank me later (because he or she has probably never swapped spit during “Kokomo” AND Cher on the same day).

I, as you already know, chose “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Below I included links to the writers and artists who participated and their songs of choice. I encourage folks to check them out as they are extremely talented and some of my very favorite creative people on all of the internets!

All of the song suggestions can be found on the Ultimate Makeout Session Mix playlist.  Enjoy!

Jason, thejasonmingle: Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time

Amy, The Bumble Files: Phil Collins – Take a Look at Me Now

Emily, The Waiting: Anything by Pearl Jam due to an Eddie Vedder crush, so I chose “Even Flow.”

Madame Weebles: Soul II Soul – Back to Life

Johnny Ojanpera: Roxette – It Must Have Been Love

Jason, The Life of JWo: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Jen and Tonic: Beach Boys – Kokomo

Vyvy, Vyvacious: Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

TJ Lubrano: Backstreet Boys – Nobody but You

RidicuRyder: Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

Trent Lewin: Anything by Abba, so I chose the song “Fernando.”

Steph Rogers, She Said What: Nelly Furtado – Magical World (Bassnectar Remix)

Becca, 25 To Fly: Sevyn Streeter feat. Chris Brown – It Won’t Stop (I chose this over John Mayer because John Mayer once said, “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist” soooo…).

Ginger Fight Back: Dr Feelgood – Milk and Alcohol

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Pure Moods

16 Dec

When I was a dorky 13-year-old, I bought the Pure Moods compilation CD after seeing an infomercial for it at a sleepover. There was something about it that drew me in, something bewitching.  If you’ve never heard of it, please, watch the commercial and find yourself as enchanted as I was:

Are you under the Pure Moods spell yet? Thought so. There’s probably a mist rising all around you at this very moment.

The song from this extraordinary compilation that really got me was “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Watch this magical tribute to wolves whilst the song makes gentle love to your ears (for optimal results, please listen as you continue on your literary journey):

So at this awkward stage in my life when I wore a headgear and was the same weight I am now, my biggest dream ever was to kiss a boy and whenever I listened to the song, I visited a magical land where Jeff Goldblum or some really cute boy grabbed me and at first I was all, “I don’t know about this,” but then I would succumb to his lips and fall into his arms while the wind blew through my long hair and behind us were green, rolling hills and a beautiful white horse with sparkles in its mane galloped by and then suddenly we would be holding hands and running through a lush forest and….and….

let’s just say it was a painful many, many years until a boy actually kissed me.

Last night I told my boyfriend that story and he said, “Okay, well we can listen to the song and kiss and stuff if you want.” Then we did, and now there’s an incredibly ecstatic 13-year-old girl in my heart (and later she will probably be squealing at the cafeteria lunch table and giving high fives all around to her friends and they’ll be like OMG YAYY this SO beats writing angsty poetry).

Anyway.

I guess I should also mention that it was pretty weird making out with that wolf video in the background. It didn’t quite capture the “spirit” I was hoping for. Maybe if he was wearing a wolf t-shirt or something and I had a dreamcatcher tattoo? I don’t know. Perhaps we will try that out next time.

So, did (do) you ever imagine making out to a particular song? Of course you did (do)–please share it below and I will post something special tomorrow with your answers!

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

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