Archive | March, 2016

Dear Seagulls

9 Mar

Dear Seagulls,

First of all, welcome to the neighborhood. I’m not sure what brought you here considering the ocean is about 2 and a half hours away and the harbor is 15 minutes south. We have the Chesapeake Bay nearby, too, which seems like it would be your jam. Everyone needs a change, though, I guess, and perhaps you’ve discovered Baltimore City dumpsters (fine cuisine, I agree).

In my opinion, it seems like living closer to the water would be a far better choice for seagulls. Don’t get me wrong, guys, I don’t mind if you live here, but there are laws about noise and public defecating by which all people must adhere, and you aren’t above these rules. I’m aware you are birds and perhaps Title 5 Nuisance Control doesn’t apply…but still–you should follow the rules too so we can make the neighborhood a great place for everyone.

My biggest issue is with your shrill, rich repertoire of gull calls that resound throughout the neighborhood specifically during sleeping hours. What could you possibly be discussing so loudly that early in the morning? Is this a personal thing? Are you trying to disturb my slumber on purpose? If so, that isn’t very nice. I didn’t do anything to you guys. Please don’t do that.

The other significant concern here is all that delectable dumpster food is giving you the runny poops, and I see you’ve been using my car as a toilet. There aren’t any power lines or trees located directly above the area where I park, so basically, you are putting in work to poop directly on my vehicle. You know what? I think you seagulls are dicks. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Seagulls are disrespectful, dick birds.

Look at this wise guy

Given the fierce community opposition (yes, there are others who agree), I’m asking you to reconsider your bold move into the city. My house and car are not a beach, picnic grounds, or parking lot. My house is not a marshy hummocks dream home for your colony. It’s not even my dream home, and I get to live inside it.

Honestly, if I were a seagull, I’d want nothing more than to be my raucous and competitive self a little closer to a beach. I cannot force you to move out, but think of all the stray boardwalk french fries you will miss this summer. So many french fries! And think of the never-ending marine invertebrate feasts! Imagine all the squabbling you could do at sunset on the docks of the bay! Guys, come on, this is a no-brainer.

Think it over and let me know your decision. I’m positive this matter can be solved amicably and no further action will need to be taken. Thank you for your consideration.


Lauren Ann


I Spent A Week Without A Phone And Here’s What Happened

7 Mar

I didn’t have a smartphone for a whole week, and here’s what happened.

First, I spoke aloud to other humans. Did you know there are humans on this planet that want to interact with you? They will look you dead in the eye and read your body language and talk with their voices. Then, they expect you to talk back at them with your voice. Honestly, I don’t recommend diving into this right away if you aren’t ready because the intensity of the situation could be uncomfortable. Plus, you have to wear pants. I often prefer my interactions with others to be on a mobile device when I’m alone in my home and sans pants. I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Next, I discovered there was plenty of time to focus on the things I had wanted to do, such as exercise outside, write, read, meditate and cook new meals. It was fun, but when those ran out I focused on tasks I needed to do because there was enough time for those, too. Plenty of it. Too much time, quite frankly, and if you experience that dreaded day when your phone passes into the technology spirit world, you too will face the parts of your life you avoid. Yes, avoid, although you may not notice it because your smartphone is currently lurking in the deepest, darkest chasms of your own ass.

To continue avoiding things, I suppose you could binge-watch Fuller House on Netflix and eat yourself into a cheese coma. There’s always that. Or you could watch porn on your laptop, I guess, if that’s how you waste your time instead of getting it on in real life. I, however, chose to face the things I avoid, and you know what? Ugh. I remembered why I avoided those things in the first place.

During this period I also had more time to learn stuff. At one point, I learned way too much information about how to seduce a ghost and then I spent way too much time trying to decide if I even wanted to have sexual relations with a ghost–it could get freaky real quick, after all (freaky in either the sexy way or the scary way, or possibly even both, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out).

In the end, I decided against it because I knew I’d somehow summon the ghost of an awkward teenage boy or a dark energy of sorts that would feed on my fear and I just wasn’t in the mood for either of those experiences.

So anyway, yeah, it was a fruitful week of knowledge, fun, too much freedom, a few daunting tasks and a weird couple of hours where I almost did it with a ghost.

I admit that when my replacement phone finally was delivered, I did a little dance with the UPS man, because yes, I missed having a smartphone. I missed it a lot.

Your homework is to imagine what you would do without your phone for a week, and then maybe use your phone to comment below. It’s useful like that, and it loves you as much as you love it. Don’t you ever lose that thing.

Thoughts From a Drunk Girl…Ok, Woman…Pt. 3

2 Mar

I’m kinda tired, but here are some thoughts I’m thinking! And I’m drinking! Yay!

  • LOL. SAME:


  • Alfonso Ribiero is, like, my Captain Planet power thing. Imagine we all put in our rings and it’s like, “Earth! Fire! Wind! Alfonso Ribiero!” and Captain Planet shows up and does the Carlton dance. Ha. I’d like that.

  • My friend Stacey and I were talking and she sent a pic of herself to be like “hi, friend.” I went to send a reply pic and realized I am an exhausted, unshowered woman in big earphones and a giant pink sports bra. This is kind of a regular thing. How men have ever governed their boners around me remains a legitimate question.

  • “Sorry I got angry and farted on your cat” is not something I want to ever have to say to another human. Again. I never want to have to say it again.

  • I went to Mardi Gras and saw some things I want to see again and saw some things I will never unsee. Weird boobs, for example. Below is a poem I just wrote about it.

While you stroll in New Orleans
you ought to go see the Mardi Gras
cause you’ll see some weird boobs–
go there to see some if you want.
Go eat po’ boys
and drink giant daiquiris,
which are just subs
and slushies with alcohol.
I ended up getting many ice headaches,
but hey, it was fun,
because I saw some weird boobs
and a guy showed me his Zulu King
(that’s code for wiener).

  • Life–is it not so strange? So sublime? Have you ever had one of those abracadabra awestruck moments when everything seems to fit together and you fill up with pure, loving emotion? Me too. We’re all connected.

I’m sorry, I have no idea where this one came from. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

  • Recently I saw a puppy bark at a gust of wind and it was adorable. This is my new hobby, and I would like for this new hobby, to which I am unwaveringly devoted, to blossom into a rewarding career. “What do you do for a living?” they’ll ask. “Oh, me? I observe the shit out of cute puppies. I’m so grateful and so blessed, you know. Puppy observation is a competitive field and I worked hard to get to my position as the Director-General of Observing Puppies.”

  • I’m sorry I haven’t been writing…and thank you to everyone who annoys me about it until I finally write again. I had a recent burst of creativity and more will come soon, and some of it wasn’t even written under the influence! GOODNIGHT GUYS!

%d bloggers like this: