Tag Archives: men

my medieval valentine: part 2.

15 Feb

Well, the good news is that I didn’t have to go to Medieval Times on Valentine’s Day. However, at 5:30 yesterday I received a text saying, “I picked up the tickets!” along with this picture:

So I put on a slutty medieval barmaid bodice costume that I have (that’s a whole other story), per the cleavage advice of Carrie Rubin, and sent a picture message saying, “Oh good, because I’m ready to go!” He then caved immediately and told me I needed to change because “medieval minx” would likely be frowned upon at a nice restaurant. Hooray! We weren’t actually going to Medieval Times! This wasn’t a competition or anything, but I’m pretty sure I won.

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Dear Men:

30 Jan

Allow me to get straight to the point. A number of women are sharing with me stories about receiving unsolicited penis pictures from a significant other or stranger. I would like to offer some advice and information on this subject.

See, guys, here’s the thing–if we don’t request a photo of it, then we don’t want to see a picture of your penis. Why? Because it’s gross. Your penis doesn’t photograph well, trust me–not even when you choose to go with a full body shot. Personally, I would prefer a photo of you clothed and smiling instead of that creepy gaze you’re giving yourself in the mirror as your pants sit awkwardly at your ankles. You look like a sex offender. You look like you’re raping yourself with your own eyes. Stop and ask yourself, “Am I trying to create/maintain chemistry with the recipient or am I trying to frighten her?”

Now, if you believe you are an exception, which you are not, and that it would be a true injustice not to send a photo of your junk, please consider the following:

1. Not sending the photo. A preferred shot would incorporate your smile and a cute pet or hobby. We find that stuff sexy.

2. Send a warning. No one likes a surprise penis.

3. If you send a picture of your penis, the reaction always will be “Ewwww!!!” followed by boisterous laughter.

4. By the next day, at least 1-5 of that gal’s friends will have seen your penis and the reaction will always be laughter at your expense.

5. Manscape. This isn’t the 70s.

6. Don’t send a picture of your flaccid penis. That’s creepier than a hard one.

7. If you’re sending the photo with intentions of sleeping with someone you’ve never met, you’re a complete  idiot.

Gentlemen, please note that none of this means we dislike your dongs, we just prefer them under the appropriately inappropriate conditions. I hope you will keep all of this in mind before your next photo shoot.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lauren M.

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the crazy cloud.

28 Nov

On Sundays I work with all women. It is a supportive, difficult,  inspiring, hilarious and absolutely exhausting environment. Why exhausting? Well, while a lot of the time we are having fun, there’s usually a part of the day when we are all thinking way too much and getting worked up about things that probably don’t matter. 9 times out of 10, we end up talking about the things that we think that men are thinking, but we never actually know. And yes, we are all a little crazy and then we feed off the crazy of our friends. It happens. I call that “place” that we all seem to go the “crazy cloud.”

I’d like to give you an example of a Sunday on the crazy cloud, all in good humor (names and subject matter have been changed):

Sunday begins–

Hope: Last night we went to *name a place* and had so much fun, but my man said *name something stupid* and I called him a dick and now it’s the end of the world because he isn’t talking to me and I don’t know what to do so I am going to overreact.

Susie: My boyfriend did that once and I didn’t talk to him for 3 weeks and he came around.

Kelly: My ex husband did something like that once. Relationships are hopeless.

Hope: I give up, I am going to find someone who deserves my time. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to be a lesbian.

Susie: You could get anyone. So yeah, fuck him! You deserve better!

Nikki: My husband did that before we got married so I kissed someone else in front of him. I don’t recommend that. It worked, but don’t do it.

**2 hours pass and they meet up again**

Hope: You know, I dig the guy and I think I am just going to say sorry because he hasn’t said anything yet and he’s obviously mad at me.

Susie:  He probably just meant *this* and instead it came out like *this* and now he feels stupid.

Kelly: Men don’t know anything about anything and he was only thinking of himself. The other day this guy and I got into a food fight over something like that. Don’t expect anything better than him because men are all the same.

**hours pass, they meet up again after marinating in the fact that men are terrible**

Hope, Susie, Kelly and Nikki basically just all talking at the same time: I was just thinking, and I think that most guys think *name something we think that men think, but we aren’t sure if they are actually thinking at all*

Hope: Oh, wait, he just sent me a text. He had fun last night and he got to sleep for a couple extra hours this morning.

Susie: See? There ya go. Just let him come to you.

Hope: Thanks, Susie, for talking me down from my crazy cloud.

–Sunday ends

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