Tag Archives: vajazzle

A July 4th Vajazzle

4 Jul

One year ago today, I was having my share of wine and cheese at the symphony/fireworks event at Oregon Ridge Park. Considering the very small amount of “us” time that Dane and I got at home, this was a great way to unwind and be romantic.

 

 

There are few things that bother me when I am feeling relaxed and tipsy. I tend to escape from the world around me and I even have the ability to tune out screaming children. However, just as the symphony started playing, I was startled by a woman in a white terry cloth romper who accidentally flashed her vajazzled vagina in my direction. Then it happened again. Then another time. The more wine she drank, the more I saw her gem adorned vagina. The people around us began seeing it too–Dane saw it thrice before the shocked woman next to him and her ice cream covered child saw it. One guy saw it and was so disgusted that he moved his blanket. I even heard a couple talking about it on the way out.

We were all so disturbed by what we saw, but not one of us could look away. This woman’s vajazzle was present in the lives of everyone at Oregon Ridge Park that day. It reflected sunlight like a disco ball does a spotlight, there’s no way that someone could have missed it.

I have some simple advice for this lady and I think that all of my dear sisters should take note:

1. In January 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt said vajazzling would empower you and perhaps you took her advice. She didn’t say you should get shitfaced at the park and show your 50 yr. old va-junk to children.

2. Making your lady bits sparkle is the business of you and your husband and it shouldn’t be flashed around. It makes you seem trashy. Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t show her vajazzled “precious lady” to anyone. The ghost whisperer knows best.

3. Always wear underwear to family friendly events.

4. Keep your legs together whilst in public places. You risk much laughter and disgust at your expense.

5. You also risk some perv taking a photo of that thing. Believe me, I tried to snap one myself.

6. A 3rd risk to consider? Mosquitoes. Keep it covered, girlfriends.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where does one get a vajazzle? Have you ever been with a guy who has a pejazzle? Is there such a thing as clitter? I have this friend who wants to know. It isn’t me.

9 May

Dane, the boyfriend who I went to this with, died today. He was smart (callback to Jeopardy smart), funny, a great dad to his son and a total pain in my ass. I’m gonna miss him. It’s all about the good memories, right? Well, here we go.

I still don’t look like Fergie.

19 Apr

Today I got my 500th “like.” Thank you, people of the internets–much love. Here is one reason I began blogging in the first place:

Over the past 8 months, 4 different people, all strangers, have told me I look like Fergie. I don’t look like Fergie. I don’t think she’s looking so hot these days (though her body stays vicious, indeed–fair enough, Fergie Ferg).

In 1989, I remember dancing my tiny 5-year-old ass off while watching her perform The Locomotion on Kids Incorporated and thinking I wanted to be her (she’s the one in the middle):

 

Side note, look how cute little Jennifer Love Hewitt is on the right. Who knew she would grow those boobs or get vajazzled? Not I.

These days, if someone comments, “You look like Fergie,” is it a compliment? ┬áNo. Why? Because I think Fergie and Carrot Top look like plastic face twins. So…

 

If Fergie

=

Carrot Top

 

then Fergie and/or Carrot Top

=

Me

And seriously, fuck Carrot Top. He reminds me of a nightmare I once had about the circus. Just thinking about him raises my blood pressure. I guess none of this really matters because I don’t look like Fergie and Carrot Top, so there’s no problem here and there was no reason to rant about this in the first place. Right? Right. Whatever those 4 people saw shall remain unknown and will haunt me for the rest of my days. Unless, of course, one of you sees the resemblance. If so, please come forth. Choose your words wisely.

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