Tag Archives: pets

Sarah McLachlan is a dick.

21 Jun


Have you ever been sitting on your couch, watching TV, having a grand old time when suddenly your heart races because you hear “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan and you look up to see the sad face of a mistreated animal so you begin to sob and panic while wildly scrambling for the remote because you just can’t handle the heartbreak? Have you turned the channel and waited for what felt like 5 minutes, but the commercial was still on when you turned it back? Have you ever called Sarah McLachlan a dick?

Do you remember the first time you saw the commercial and watched the whole thing and it made you cry uncontrollably in front of your family, friends, or a 3rd date? What about that time it came on in the middle of the night while you were having great sex and your boyfriend couldn’t find the remote so he covered you with the blanket and put his hands over your ears, but it didn’t matter because you knew what was happening on that TV so you cried anyway?

I remember, Sarah McLachlan. I remember. That 3rd date and ex-boyfriend both remember. We all wish we didn’t remember.

For those of you who don’t know said SPCA commercial, this is the link. It’s heartbreaking, so don’t watch it. It will ruin your whole fucking day.

My treasure of a puppy dog was rescued from the SPCA and he approves this message.




The luckiest girl in the world

28 Mar

It’s hard to leave you for the day,

Let’s cuddle forever

and be like kids when we play.

At night, we meet at my front door–you kiss me.

I don’t mind that you don’t have a job

and your tattoo gives you history.

So they call it puppy love,

but what can I do?

I am hopelessly and endlessly in love with you.

...even if you burp in my face, have a snaggletooth and occasionally smell like corn chips

To squee or not to squee

27 Feb

Last March I adopted a puppy and named him Porter.

Recently, we were playing and I realized just how ridiculous the things are that I say to him. For example, this morning when I woke and saw my dog, I changed my speaking tone and said, “Ooohh, look at hiiiiimmm! Hims a widdle boy here! Hims a boy here with me and I love hiiimmmms face!” Then, I kissed his little nose and hugged his sweet head. I don’t know why I say those things, but I am acutely aware that applying this to any other situation would make me absolutely nuts. This is him by the way:


My cuddly, sweet fwiend and his cutest puppy face!


This, I learned, is called pet-directed speech and there is research that investigates features which differentiate the two speech registers, neutral and intimate, within different constellations of speakers and addressees (such as infant-, pet-, foreigner- and lover- directed speech). Usually we change the way we speak without even thinking about it, but it’s only acceptable in certain situations and is a very funny concept.

This is how Porter responds when I speak with a silly voice:



He either loves it or it’s driving him insane–I can’t decide. I have a friend who used to make a high-pitched sound and iterate something that sounded like “SQQUUEEEGGIIEE!” whenever she saw her dog. Most girls I know do the sounds and/or say nonsense things when it’s a small or baby animal. I imagine that if there was a show that consisted only of baby animals playing with each other, that millions of ladies would be in their homes just making sounds. I would get nothing done. I would watch and clap and jump like a damn idiot, despite being a sarcastic, grown ass woman. I try to hide this side of myself, but if you were to hand me a puppy and a cookie (I like cookies), I would absolutely lose it.

Men are a different story. If they choose to talk to animals with voices, it tends to be a dumb or dorky sounding voice that is meant to be the voice of the animal and it is often accompanied by sound effects. Men really are just large kids, after all. Out of context, how funny would it be to see guys doing that kind of crap?  You know, like in the workplace? Or while watching football? I’d pay to see that shit.

So, I’m curious, do you talk to animals in a silly voice? What do you say? Does the animal have a goofy nickname? Porter’s nickname is “honey bear” and when he is wet he is  “little baby seal.” I did not choose these names, they just came out of my mouth one day.

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