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I Want It Now

21 Sep

My birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, daddy, I promise not to get too Veruca Salt on your ass this year.

1. Money for a tank of gas.

2. Shoes.

Tell mom I’m an 8 1/2

 

3. A clever teapot.

I just want to tell you so much…I love this teapot

 

4. This Pasotti Ombrelli. It’s like a fucking scepter with a pretty umbrella on the end. I don’t own an umbrella, and I’m in need of a scepter, so this will be perfect.

Only $215.00

 

5. Underpants. I needs ’em (seriously, I haven’t worn underwear in like a month).

It’s true

 

6. GIMMIE THIS PIG.

I shall name her Gertrude

 

7. A funny boyfriend who enjoys copious amounts of sexual activities and doesn’t mind killing the spiders in my basement. He should also like wine, cheese and hugging me.

A silhouette attempt

 

8.  I ask every year, so I’m not sure why you still haven’t gotten me a fucking beautiful unicorn.

Look, two fucking beautiful unicorns. I want the less feisty one.

 

9. Lastly, Blackwood Distillers makes a triple distilled vodka that is ice-filtered through Nordic birch charcoal and then is passed through a sand of crushed diamonds and other gems. Price? $1,060,000. It’s so beautiful that I probably won’t even cry or text an ex-boyfriend when I drink it (just kidding, I probably will).

This is necessary for your daughter’s happiness, daddy. Love you!

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Sarah McLachlan is a dick.

21 Jun

 

Have you ever been sitting on your couch, watching TV, having a grand old time when suddenly your heart races because you hear “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan and you look up to see the sad face of a mistreated animal so you begin to sob and panic while wildly scrambling for the remote because you just can’t handle the heartbreak? Have you turned the channel and waited for what felt like 5 minutes, but the commercial was still on when you turned it back? Have you ever called Sarah McLachlan a dick?

Do you remember the first time you saw the commercial and watched the whole thing and it made you cry uncontrollably in front of your family, friends, or a 3rd date? What about that time it came on in the middle of the night while you were having great sex and your boyfriend couldn’t find the remote so he covered you with the blanket and put his hands over your ears, but it didn’t matter because you knew what was happening on that TV so you cried anyway?

I remember, Sarah McLachlan. I remember. That 3rd date and ex-boyfriend both remember. We all wish we didn’t remember.

For those of you who don’t know said SPCA commercial, this is the link. It’s heartbreaking, so don’t watch it. It will ruin your whole fucking day.

My treasure of a puppy dog was rescued from the SPCA and he approves this message.

 

 

 

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The luckiest girl in the world

28 Mar

It’s hard to leave you for the day,

Let’s cuddle forever

and be like kids when we play.

At night, we meet at my front door–you kiss me.

I don’t mind that you don’t have a job

and your tattoo gives you history.

So they call it puppy love,

but what can I do?

I am hopelessly and endlessly in love with you.

...even if you burp in my face, have a snaggletooth and occasionally smell like corn chips

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