Tag Archives: personal

The best ways to learn who your new friends are at your new job

27 Nov

Here are the best ways to learn who your new friends are at your new job based on personal experience:

  1. Send an IM to the folks around you on Cyber Monday asking “A/S/L?” and see who laughs. Those are your new friends.

  2. Scope out the break room for the people with good snacks. Those are your new friends.

  3. Indulge in a bit of repartee–anyone who joins in is your new friend.

  4. Tell people about the time you were in your pajamas on the Katie Couric Show. If any guy 18+ years older than you approaches you later and says he couldn’t find it on the internet, he is not your new friend. Keep thy distance.

  5. Casually mention how much you love Bryan Adams. This won’t help you in the friends department, trust me, but it will be fun. If any guy approaches you later and says he, too, loves Bryan Adams, be wary (but secretly delighted).

  6. If someone talks to you about the wienermobile for at least 2 days in a row, that person is automatically your new friend. You have no choice.

  7. When you talk about sleeplessness and someone chimes in with the same issue, not only do you have a new friend, but also a new late-night walkie-talkie pal (not recommended if it’s one of those 18+ years older guys who you wish would just go away already).

  8. Bring up your interest in a pizza party where you get a bazillion pizzas from all over town and vote on the best one. People who are interested or invite themselves to your hypothetical party are all your new friends. And fancy that–now you’re ready to have a party. You lucky duck.

And that just about covers it. Those are the best (and quite possibly the only) ways to learn who your new friends are at your new job based on personal experience.

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Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

The luckiest girl in the world

28 Mar

It’s hard to leave you for the day,

Let’s cuddle forever

and be like kids when we play.

At night, we meet at my front door–you kiss me.

I don’t mind that you don’t have a job

and your tattoo gives you history.

So they call it puppy love,

but what can I do?

I am hopelessly and endlessly in love with you.

...even if you burp in my face, have a snaggletooth and occasionally smell like corn chips

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