Archive | January, 2012

Dear Men:

30 Jan

Allow me to get straight to the point. A number of women are sharing with me stories about receiving unsolicited penis pictures from a significant other or stranger. I would like to offer some advice and information on this subject.

See, guys, here’s the thing–if we don’t request a photo of it, then we don’t want to see a picture of your penis. Why? Because it’s gross. Your penis doesn’t photograph well, trust me–not even when you choose to go with a full body shot. Personally, I would prefer a photo of you clothed and smiling instead of that creepy gaze you’re giving yourself in the mirror as your pants sit awkwardly at your ankles. You look like a sex offender. You look like you’re raping yourself with your own eyes. Stop and ask yourself, “Am I trying to create/maintain chemistry with the recipient or am I trying to frighten her?”

Now, if you believe you are an exception, which you are not, and that it would be a true injustice not to send a photo of your junk, please consider the following:

1. Not sending the photo. A preferred shot would incorporate your smile and a cute pet or hobby. We find that stuff sexy.

2. Send a warning. No one likes a surprise penis.

3. If you send a picture of your penis, the reaction always will be “Ewwww!!!” followed by boisterous laughter.

4. By the next day, at least 1-5 of that gal’s friends will have seen your penis and the reaction will always be laughter at your expense.

5. Manscape. This isn’t the 70s.

6. Don’t send a picture of your flaccid penis. That’s creepier than a hard one.

7. If you’re sending the photo with intentions of sleeping with someone you’ve never met, you’re a complete  idiot.

Gentlemen, please note that none of this means we dislike your dongs, we just prefer them under the appropriately inappropriate conditions. I hope you will keep all of this in mind before your next photo shoot.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lauren M.

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25 Things

25 Jan

Per request, here are 25 unique things you may not know about me:

1. It took me 312 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

2. I can list all the presidents.

3. I need to go on trips to far away places in order to stay sane.

4. There are life-size cardboard hobbits in my basement that I can’t bear to throw away.

5. I’ve always thought I would make a great detective because I’m good at research and looking below the surface to find information without getting caught. My friends suggest that maybe I’m just extremely nosey.

6. I have kissed a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Interestingly, not one of them believed in god.

7. When I’m bored at work I memorize the Periodic Table of Human Cytokines & Chemokines that hangs next to me.

8. I once had an intense fight with my ex boyfriend that resulted in me farting on his cat. It lightened the mood (I never said I was classy).

9.  My favorite food is boneless buffalo wings.

10. I scream the entire time I’m riding a jet ski.

11. I just started taking keyboard lessons.

12. One of my favorite childhood memories is of my family in the car on our way to Ocean City and my dad and brother are singing/screaming Whitney Houston’s I’ll Always Love You at the top of their lungs.

13.  I can sing every word from every song in Mary Poppins and The Little Mermaid.

14. One time, on my way into work, I saw a man on the side of the road yelling, “Peanuts, get your peeeeaaanuts here” but he wasn’t holding anything.

15. Every morning, my iGoogle page greets me with a picture of the daily puppy and a place to see. The daily puppy today is a Bernese Mountain Dog and the place to see is Bora Bora, French Polynesia.

16. I pretend not to be competitive. I don’t like when that side of me comes out because that gal is a vicious poor sport.

17. I love watching grown-ass men eat ice cream cones.

18. I went to Catholic school for 15 years.

19. I like driving at night because people are less likely to see me singing.

20. I was in a meatball-eating contest. I ate 7 meatballs and felt so sick that I didn’t eat them again for an entire year.

21. I love laughing so hard that I cry and grasp for breath.

22. If given the chance, I would move back to London in a heartbeat.

23. I love the way guys tell stories with sound effects just like they did when they were kids.

24. I hate crafts and craft fairs. I don’t want to make a wreath. I have no patience for glue, sequins, beads, thread, popsicle sticks, paints, embossing etc…

25. Disney movies really did give me unrealistic expectations about hair (among other things).

Jennifer is a Party Pooper

17 Jan

My dad sent this to me. I can always count on him for a laugh. It’s a German guy trying to grasp the concept of being a “party pooper.”

A poll.

11 Jan

 

If you choose “other” please leave suggestions!

an important conversation

11 Jan

This morning my mother called with “an important question”:

Me: Hello?

Mom: Can you talk?

Me: Well, I’m at work.

Mom: It’s important. I found something weird in your old closet.

Me: Okay……what is it?

Mom: It’s a trucker hat and it says, “Wine ’em, dine ’em, sixty-nine ’em.”

Me: Oh, I remember that! I got it for my 16th birthday.

Mom: So what’s sixty-nine?

Me: Haha, oh my god, what? Look it up. The hat was in a movie and it was just a joke gift.

Mom: What does it mean?

Me: Mom, please! Just look it up on the internet!

Mom (flustered, tapping keys):  Fine. Why do you get embarrassed so easily?

Mom: …………..

Me: Hello? Did you find it?

Mom: Oh. Why do you know what that is?!  WHY do you have CLOTHES that SUPPORT it?

Me: I know, it’s so gross. I learned about it on the internet, too. Welp, gotta go.

2 hours later I received the following email:

Lars,

I threw away that hat. You don’t need to wear that to be sexy-cool or to get a guy to like you. Be yourself, Young Lady! You’re beautiful and if it isn’t someone you already know, then you will meet a great guy who respects you and thinks you’re cool and he will love you just as you are!  It’s true and you deserve it!  Know yourself, stay positive and be clear about your intentions and the right situations will come into your life. LOVE YOU.

Mom

_________________

You might say my mom and I are on different levels. We always have been. I’ve never worn that hat and I don’t know where she got the idea that I was wearing it to be “sexy-cool” (or where she got the term “sexy-cool,” for that matter). Despite all things crazy about that email, she did make a good point: be yourself. Positive things and good people come to those who accept, love, and respect themselves. Like attracts like. I dig that. Thanks, mom.

Happy New Year!

2 Jan

My NYE was definitely less eventful than last year (I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend about a cab, walked barefoot in the freezing cold to a hotel, got us a room and then tried to leave wearing nothing but a coat).

This year, when I got home from the bar I realized that my dog Porter’s whine sounds EXACTLY  like Tim Allen. Prior to passing out, I felt inspired and wrote a haiku:

New Year’s Eve

 I’m crunk. Fireworks–

Porter hears and whines like Tim

The Tool-Man Taylor.

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