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I Hate The Gym: Part I

18 Mar

Lots of people on Facebook often go to the gym and enjoy boasting about their workouts. In their defense, I suppose I’d be proud of convincing myself to drive to a stinky gym after a long day of work, too.

Personally, I  don’t like gyms.  I do my own fitness routines at my house in my cold basement where the lighting is low and no one is around to see my boob sweat or watch me pick a wedgie. I’m an introvert, but it’s not my personality that makes me hate gyms so much. It’s more that I don’t like spending money for the following:

1. Waiting in line just to run in place, especially since running outside is available.

2.  Trainers yelling at me. Some people are into that, I know, but I’m more into positive motivation. I used to take a kickboxing class with the Ravens trainer and he often screamed at me and one time he called me a “lazy mare.” Actually, what he said was, “I said speed kicks, you lazy mare!” Whatever. The joke was obviously on him because horses don’t even know about kickboxing.

3. Strange men with large muscles staring at me.

4. Old naked ladies in the locker room trying to converse with me and coming way too close with their weird boobs.

5. People watching my fitness class. I like the classes themselves, but it’s a bit like being part of a zoo exhibit…except I’m doing Zumba.

6. Yoga. I love yoga, but I prefer to do it alone because everyone knows not to trust hippy farts in a hot room.

7. Sweating or breathing heavily in front of other people–for some reason it reminds me of the way I feel when eating hot dogs in front of other people. I’d prefer to eat my hot dogs alone, thank you very much.

Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One?

11 Mar
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Photo from voactiv.com

 

This morning on Today, “Princeton Mom” Susan Patton promoted her new book Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One by sharing some advice during her interview. She said college women should spend 75% of their time on finding a man to marry and 25% focusing on college/careers because work can wait but fertility cannot. Next, she mentioned that you shouldn’t get too drunk or too high at parties because if a man takes advantage of you, it’s your fault. She also said if you need body work to make you look better, get it done in high school.

Was I dreaming? Did I time travel? Was I in a Jane Austen novel? No, this interview was real and during it, I could have been awarded for achieving the biggest, most intense eye roll ever recorded in human history.

Look at this quote from a letter Patton published last year:

“Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent and less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition if she is exceptionally pretty.”

You probably get the point and understand why her opinions are angering and likely controversial on purpose (she says they aren’t), but if you need to read more, read this book review published by Wall Street Journal.

Susan Patton doesn’t have daughters and recently finalized her divorce from her husband. I could sit here and talk about how much more ridiculous that makes this situation, but instead I’ll give some better advice to young women who hope to marry and possibly have a family:

1. If you’re a college woman hoping to marry and start a family ASAP for whatever reason, try to balance out your studies and social time. Maybe you’ll meet a sexy dude and that’s awesome, but don’t fret if you don’t meet a sexy dude. It’s college, and a lot of guys aren’t exactly wearing their big boy pants yet anyway. Depending on your career choice, research shows that your sea of partner options does decrease after graduating from college, which means you may have to work a little harder to find a worthy guy on your intellectual level, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

2. While a woman’s chances of having a baby decreases as she ages, there are other options and you shouldn’t allow a “ticking clock” to rule your state of mind. Why? Because it may result in rushing into a marriage and life that doesn’t make you happy and may end in regret, a lot of yelling and way too much vodka consumption.

3. There is nothing wrong with you whether you choose to marry and have a family later in life or if you choose to start early. I know successful, highly educated, happily married women who didn’t marry until they were around 36-38 and all of those women have children. I also know women who chose to marry early, have a career and babies and they are also happy.

4. If you choose to advance your career before finding a dude, don’t worry that there aren’t “normal” men out there. There are, but you may meet a few complete duds first (or if you’re me, a lot of duds….and now I’m wanting some delicious Milk Duds).

5. Don’t get work done on your body in high school unless you actually need it for medical reasons. I can’t believe anyone would even consider that. Learn to respect your body first and be honest with yourself about body image (and yes, I know that isn’t easy). If you do choose to get body work that young, just remember that surgeries will not always (if at all) cover self-esteem issues.

6. Be responsible at parties and take care of yourself. If you get too drunk or too high, it can end very badly and no one wants you to get raped/hurt by some idiot, be stuck without Fritos when you get the extreme munchies or have a terrible hangover when it could be avoided.

7. Finally, don’t buy that woman’s book or her extremist views. While she feels it’s helpful and honest, not all young women can find happiness or “the one” by fitting a mold, not focusing on a career, looking a certain way or acting a certain way. We are all different (thank god), so deal with it already.

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True Detective Thoughts

10 Mar

I shouldn’t be allowed to watch anything involving crime drama/mystery/basically anything cool or potentially mind-blowing. Why? Because I get too involved and my imagination runs wild with theories like an unbridled pony down an undiscovered beach except this particular pony never stops or sleeps at night because all it does is think excitedly about possible conclusions.

This time, however, I was sort of right about the ending, so I feel like exploring it a bit. If you don’t want to hear anything about HBO’s True Detective, stop reading!

So, basically, I got too into it and after some investigations, suddenly was checking out a case from Louisiana involving sexual abuse and other creepy stuff. Then I read Robert Chambers’ 1895 book of stories titled The King in Yellow, which was suggested because both the show and book, both mystery/horror themed, mentioned Carcosa and a yellow king and a mysterious yellow sign. The stories were good, but also supernatural, which led a lot of people to think the show was going to end similarly.

My mind considered a bunch of theories and in the end I thought to myself, what if this is one thing that ends on a positive note? What if they solve the case and evil doesn’t prevail? What if that’s part of the twist? Sure, everything leading up to it was…sick. We saw a cheating husband, pessimism about life and what happens after death, gangs, kidnapping, sexual abuse, frightening rituals, a big guy in a gas mask and dirty underpants, excessive drinking and drug use, a video of a child being sacrificed and, unfortunately, I’ll never be able to forget how Erroll Childress fingered his half-sister in that dirty house near all those creepy dolls. Jesus.

In the end, light won (or is winning). Carcosa was a place and idea that represented evil and often corrupted innocence. In Chambers’ book, Carcosa is a mysterious, dim, possibly cursed city. I think Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson visited a version of Carcosa in multiple ways throughout the show, but they ultimately don’t allow themselves to be consumed by darkness and are rewarded with another chance. I could go into serious depth here, but if you watched you’ll likely understand.

I like the light vs. dark theme, which of course exists in stories and real life.

In real life, we tell ourselves stories, hide behind stories, tell our children stories and even grew countries and religions out of stories. Stories are everywhere. Those who watched the show watched a story about a story based on a story that references other stories and we ourselves are a story and so on.

I think one theme of the first season asked, “What stories are you surrounding yourself with?” We choose what and who surrounds us and the show reminds us that it’s easy to be led down paths and become consumed by the theme and mood of our interests, stories and beliefs (all of which are our choosing). Interestingly, in Chambers’ stories, anyone who reads The King in Yellow play is driven mad by it. The killer in the show was crazy because of stories and sick rituals, the detectives were in and out of their own versions of “madness” because they were consumed by the case and on our level, anyone who watched may have gone a little crazy with excitement over theories and the mystery of the show.

Now that’s some excellent writing.

Please feel free to share below any thoughts or theories if you watched and want to discuss!

 

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Ricky

20 Feb

We had a meeting this morning. When it was over, this guy Ricky asked for my office phone number so I could give him more details. So I gave it to him and then said in my proudest, smoothest voice, “Ricky, don’t lose that number.”

Yes, my friends, it was a perfectly executed joke about one of Steely Dan’s most popular songs, “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number.” Not only that, but it was expertly delivered to the perfect audience–a room full of 40-50 year old men who all appreciated it and laughed…except for Ricky. My smile faded as he sat there looking at me blankly. Then, the most preposterous thing happened:

 

______

Me: You know, like the song by Steely Dan?

Ricky: I don’t know Steely Dan.

______

 
Weird.

I let it slide, but I’ve been stewing ever since. Really, Ricky?  How is it possible to have zero knowledge of Steely Dan when you’re an American man in your 40s–especially if your name is Ricky? You’re actually telling me no one has used that line on you before? Do you have a radio? Can you hear? Do you even enjoy music? 

Are you really saying your friends never mentioned it? That’s impossible. Clearly you have no friends or the worst friends ever.

You know, it’s not like you have to be in love with Steely Dan to know the song. You don’t even have to know the song is by Steely Dan. What’s important is that the majority of American men over the age of 25 have heard “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number,” even if it was just at the grocery store or in a friend’s car or something.

That includes you, Ricky. I know you’ve heard it and I’m on to you, you monster.

Phew.

So get this, you guys. As I was sitting here writing this and stewing away, I got an email. From Ricky.

 

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Ricky went right ahead and lost my number. Unless he’s a great liar, he may not even understand how funny that is. What an ass.

I refuse to give it to him again. Surely this is a sick joke or some kind of plan to make me lose my mind. Whatever. You can go send my middle finger off in a letter to yourself, bud, because you’ll never win. Do you hear me?

You’ll NEVER WIN.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfZWp-hGCdA&feature=kp

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Sparkly, Safe and Funny Inside

18 Feb

On the night we met, I thought he was just goofy and weird (he is), but I remember walking into my quiet house after he dropped me off and something felt different. “That guy’s a weirdo,” I thought to myself–but it wasn’t bad. I felt sparkly and safe and funny inside.

It has been one year and I still feel that way. Friday was my first Valentine’s Day with someone in a couple of years. At first I felt strange about it because I kept thinking about the final Valentine’s Day I had with my ex-boyfriend before he passed away. That evening he said I had to straighten my wavy hair because it was “too wild” and later that I seemed unhappy and was “impossible to please.”

It made me think about my expectations and I felt bad, but he was right, I wasn’t happy. Despite the fancy Valentine’s Day presentation, I didn’t have fun and I didn’t know why.

Last weekend I learned, however, that it’s not that I am “impossible to please.” It isn’t that I didn’t appreciate fine dining and $94 Vera Wang roses in a silver julep cup that were meant to sweep me off my feet with modern sophistication. It was that I needed to be with someone goofy and weird who gives me room to be myself, have fun and let my hair flow freely. That’s just who I am.

The best thing I ever did was take the time to be honest with myself about who I am and what I was looking for in a relationship. BEST. IDEA. EVER. It seems like it would be such a simple thing to do, doesn’t it? But it isn’t easy for all of us, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

So, now things are different. On Friday, we had our own version of a romantic weekend and it was the best I’ve ever had, even if the cupcakes weren’t perfect and even if we looked out the window and saw this:

 

 

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A Different Kind of Swan

30 Jan

When I was 20, I kept a handwritten journal while studying abroad at the University of London, Birkbeck. I found the journal a couple of weeks ago and have enjoyed reading it and remembering the fun we had.

There are a few entries worth sharing, but the one below from January 30, 2005 is a favorite.

 

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Jan 30.

It’s the end of January and we’ve been here for almost a month. London is absolutely different–guys actually like me and talk to me here. At home I’m kind of like the ugly duckling, but here I feel more like a swan. First of all, a Saudi prince kissed me at the pub. I know there are a lot of them, but still. I never thought I’d be saying I was kissed by a prince. That sounds like a lie, but I swear it happened.

Then, the other day, some hot guy in a business suit said I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. What the hell?

Also, I never thought I’d be saying a naked British man farted on me, but here I am. That happened. I guess that isn’t really a “swan” thing, but it’s funny. A British woman named Dawn kissed me, too, and it made me laugh. She’s from Gateshead. I can’t even understand her half the time.

Basically, I’ve been kissed more in the last month than I have so far in my whole life. It’s weird. Things are really funny and odd here, and it just keeps happening. I embarrass myself a lot,  too. Kelli and I look at each other every time like “what is going ON?”

So maybe I’m a different kind of swan since these aren’t normal swan things? Or maybe all these people are on drugs? All I know is that when the time comes, I don’t think I will want to go home.

Time for bed, we have a test tomorrow.

____________

 

I like that entry because I had no idea that all the odd, funny, and embarrassing moments would continue to happen.

Just this morning I was hung over and walking into work when I noticed a big lump trying to escape out the bottom of my pant leg, which soon I discovered was a pair of underpants that needed to be pulled out in broad daylight. Yikes.

And so I stick by that “different kind of swan” explanation. It would be boring to be normal, anyway.

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In Defense of My Absence. Sort of.

24 Jan

Many of you have complained that I don’t write enough. First of all, in my defense, it’s kind of hard to write from inside my purple comforter that I’ve been rolled up in like a taquito ever since arctic air began chilling my actual bones. This is what we have going on today:

 

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 10.23.54 AM

Ridiculous.

 

Or, according to my friend Paula, it’s Baby, It’s HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I NEED MORE LAYERS Outside. Her area is far more frigid though, so I shouldn’t even be talking (which isn’t a reference to her lacking any sort of sexual responsiveness, as she seems to have no problems there. But I’m not calling her a hobeast or anything, either! Well, maybe a little bit. Would you just read her blog already? Jeez).

The second reason I haven’t been around is that my boyfriend moved in and suddenly I do weird things, such as go on dates instead of writing alone while drinking wine from a bag.

The third reason, which sucks to admit, is sheer anxiety masked by busy work. As you may recall, there’s supposed to be a book in the works, but every other day is spent worrying that you will hate it, so I withdrawal and claim something important is going on and the idea isn’t revisited until about 2 weeks later. It’s a vicious cycle. Sometimes I even choose exercise over writing just so I don’t have to do it. Can you believe it?

Embarrassingly, I’m writing this post right now for the very same reason.

The weird thing is that the stories in the book thoroughly delighted others, and that is the ultimate goal, so I don’t know what my problem is. I’m stuck, people. I’m stuck and I’m a wuss and it’s time to admit it.

So…that’s it. There it is. Judge me as you will (although I would prefer some encouragement or advice).

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A Quickie

31 Dec

According to my WordPress Annual Report, my most popular topics in 2013 were:

1. Stuff I did on Ambien
2. My first time
3. Young James Spader
4. Guys stripping on Skype
5. My boobs

WordPress suggests I talk more on these subjects.

I am so, so very grateful that people care about these topics, but what else could I possibly say?

Boobs? Still got ’em. “My First Time” was actually about death, so no thanks.

Thankfully, I haven’t seen any douchey guys strip on Skype and my opinion still stands that James Spader was hot when he was young.

So…now what? Well, I guess new and somewhat interesting posts will just have to exist! Stay tuned for all kinds of titles laced with innuendo. You’re so excited right now. I can feel it.

To be honest, I would still write about whatever keeps me sane whether I had 1 view or 40,000 views in a year. It just happens to be that the latter number was more accurate in 2013, so I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone for your support. You’re awesome!

A lot of you are a bunch of pervs and I guess some of you like poetry, but I love all of you just the same and not by the one abnormally long hair on my chinny-chin-chin would I have you any other way.

Cheers! Happy New Year!

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8 Perfect Gifts for Ladies

23 Dec

So, you waited until today to buy your lady a gift and you have no idea what you’re looking for. Naughty. Fortunately, I have a keen eye for all things unique and beautiful, as seen in my award-winning piece about dresses, and I’m about to save your life with this list of perfect gifts for ladies.
 

1. Grumpy Cat Tank Top

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The Grumpy Cat tank top is great for the fashionista in your life. I mean, it’s Grumpy Cat being grumpy and possibly howling at the moon…and it’s a TANK TOP. Women named Julie and Jen will be shocked by its perfection and this summer our jaws will drop when we see all the trendy moms in visors and fanny packs wearing this very tank top over their bathing suits at the water park. You heard it here first!
 
 

2. Stix Eyewear (not to be confused with Styx, the band I love)

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This is an ideal gift for the gal who wears glasses and often uses chopsticks for food and/or her hair. I guess that is super specific….I don’t know, maybe you’re buying for your best friend who also happens to be a nearsighted geisha spy. If so, this is your lucky day!
 
 

3. Heated Snake Rug

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Mom won’t be passive aggressively criticizing any of your choices this holiday season after she receives a heated snake rug. You might have to help her get in and out of it because this doesn’t look like an easy process. If you would say your mom isn’t much of a slitherer, a heated blanket may or may not be a better choice.
 
 

4. Extremely Classy Duvet

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Your girlfriend will love this duvet much more than an engagement ring. I promise. All her friends who recently got engaged will be so jealous when you post it on Facebook! “I want this instead!” they’ll shout at their betrotheds. You best pick out a fancy cape because you, sir, are about to be a hero.
 
 

5. Diamond Ice Cube Tray

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This is a really good gift for a girlfriend you’ve been with for 8 years or so. The moment she sees it she will need a drink and if she cries, it’s likely because she’s so happy.

 
 

6. Shittens

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Your wife wants Shittens, trust me. Shittens are disposable mitten-shaped moist wipes. Also, just so we’re clear, they’re for butts.
 
 
7. Banana Bunker

banana

A gift for all women everywhere–the Banana Bunker. It’s strictly for bananas. I don’t know a single woman who likes a bruised banana and that’s why this is a great gift. I say buy a pack and give them to coworkers, your sister, your aunt and anyone else who doesn’t like bruised bananas. What a great stocking stuffer!
 
 
Aaaaannd last but not least….
 
8. Wine Rack

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Another thing your girlfriend probably wants is a wine rack. Okay, maybe it’s just me that wants this. Someone please buy me this for Christmas. Please? Anyone? I just want to drink wine out of my sports bra already.

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Ultimate Makeout Session Mix

17 Dec

Yesterday I learned that many of you have listened to certain songs when having or imagining a makeout session. From this prompt I also learned that I know a bunch of wonderful weirdos.

As a little gift to you this holiday season, I made a playlist of our songs to help listeners have an amazing makeout session!

Long time lovers? Trying to impress someone on the first date? This playlist will work wonders–I promise. Okay, so maybe the results were a little different from what I imagined….and there are a few ads in there so that’s annoying, but the playlist will serve its purpose so you better do so much kissing and touching and stuff to these songs! DO IT. ALL THE SEXY TIMES.

Just think, soon this could be you:

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But hopefully better. This is not good. Don’t do it this way.

Whoever you’re kissing will thank me later (because he or she has probably never swapped spit during “Kokomo” AND Cher on the same day).

I, as you already know, chose “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Below I included links to the writers and artists who participated and their songs of choice. I encourage folks to check them out as they are extremely talented and some of my very favorite creative people on all of the internets!

All of the song suggestions can be found on the Ultimate Makeout Session Mix playlist.  Enjoy!

Jason, thejasonmingle: Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time

Amy, The Bumble Files: Phil Collins – Take a Look at Me Now

Emily, The Waiting: Anything by Pearl Jam due to an Eddie Vedder crush, so I chose “Even Flow.”

Madame Weebles: Soul II Soul – Back to Life

Johnny Ojanpera: Roxette – It Must Have Been Love

Jason, The Life of JWo: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Jen and Tonic: Beach Boys – Kokomo

Vyvy, Vyvacious: Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

TJ Lubrano: Backstreet Boys – Nobody but You

RidicuRyder: Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

Trent Lewin: Anything by Abba, so I chose the song “Fernando.”

Steph Rogers, She Said What: Nelly Furtado – Magical World (Bassnectar Remix)

Becca, 25 To Fly: Sevyn Streeter feat. Chris Brown – It Won’t Stop (I chose this over John Mayer because John Mayer once said, “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist” soooo…).

Ginger Fight Back: Dr Feelgood – Milk and Alcohol

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