Archive | August, 2012
27 Aug

Staked in the Heart

The Three Hot Chicks on Porn review  the 1940s vintage XXX sex film “Peeping Tom.” The nine minute film is black and white and has no sound. It is set to Looney Tunes sounding music.

The Three Hot Chicks are:

Carolina of Staked in the Heart

La La of Tales of a Charm City Chick

Maggie

The action begins with a woman flouncing unceremoniously on a bed in an ugly room and taking off  layers of clothes.

La La: “Nothing good ever begins in a dirty motel room.” 

Maggie: “I’m waiting for four old white men to show up and start singing Sweet Adeline.”

After undressing, the woman picks up a book and starts reading. She lays back on linens that look like they haven’t been washed since the motel opened.

La La: “She’s wearing granny panties and the bra I wore in the 6th grade.” 

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Lovely Blogger Curtsy

24 Aug

Thanks to the Mad Gay Man  for the Lovely Blogger Award! He is mad, gay, a man and an absolute treasure. He often has me guffawing at my computer screen, which I’m sure is appreciated by everyone in my workplace.

 

 

Now I have to share 7 things about myself because he said so:

– During a pilot lesson, I screamed the entire time that I landed the plane.

– I took an intensive Shakespeare class and to pass I had to play Sir Toby Belch in Twelfth Night. I was so nervous about acting that I drank half of my “prop” beforehand and performed drunk. Everyone thought it was fantastic and my professor suggested that I do more acting.

– There are a number of bloggers who are very important to me and I am grateful to have all of you in my life.

– Without cable or sufficient heat, I have found that dancing cures both boredom and the chill of cold winter days/nights.

– I am craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

– I used to hate getting unsolicited naked photos from you people, but now I kind of like it and I feel honored that ladies and gentlemen from far off places may want to share their bits and bobs with me (and no, I won’t share your photos, don’t worry).

– When I was a kid I ate the stuff that’s inside of glow sticks. I got a sore throat afterward and it didn’t even make my pee glow. What a bummer.

 
I don’t normally participate in these sorts of things, but if I did, I would award my girl Madame Weebles. She’s smart, has big boobs and is one witty bitch–I’m not sure what other reason you would need to click that link. Also, she’s a reiki master and I think that’s hella cool. I long for a good reiking.
 

19 Aug

And now for something a little different…three chicks (Maggie, Carolina and myself) review porn. Enjoy!

Staked in the Heart

This is the first official sex tape review for The Three Hot Chicks on Porn. They are:

Carolina of Staked in the Heart,

La La of Tales of a Charm City Chick,

Maggie

We chose “Another Night in Chyna” featuring WWE wrestler and reality TV star Chyna (Joanie Laurer) and her boyfriend, X-Pak (Sean Waltman), another WWE wrestler.

Chyna claims the video was amateur, done for their own private use, and it was “leaked.”  That happens all the time. You go to find the video of last Christmas and discover its gone, then suddenly its all over the internet.

 

 

The action starts with a pool scene where we see Chyna floating on a raft in a red bikini. X-Pak enters the pool to fumble around awkwardly trying to kiss her.

La La: “Have these two met? I feel like this is his first time.”

Carolina:  

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Skype Strip

15 Aug

Recently I was skyping with someone about an outline I made for a possible book. He is kind of a dick sometimes, but he has good ideas. We both had a glass of wine, we talked and flirted a little, and he suddenly said to me, “You should strip for me, do a dance, maybe touch yourself a little.”

I rolled my eyes.

“C’mon pretty girl, do it! Stop being so worried about your book. This will be fun and will release some of the tension!” he continued.

“Oohhh, I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of shy,” I replied. “You first.” I was kind of kidding.

Then I saw the mischievous man-grin. He looked through his music library for a minute, turned on “Lick it Up” by Kiss (haha, I know, right?) and stood up. I sat on my couch and watched as he actually danced, stripped to the music and then did the thing with his thing. You know, that helicopter thing. I was dumbfounded.

So then it was my turn. Frick. I didn’t think that when I said, “You first” that he was going to just get up and do it. Men. You know, one of the main things I have learned in 2012 is that men have little to no shame.  Jesus.

So I picked a song (you know I love my Tom Jones)

and I got up (I had on pink leopard print boxers), whipped my hair out of my ponytail and just started dancing my silly ass off. Robot? Yep. Twist? Absolutely. Carlton dance? No doubt.  Shakin’ the tail feathers like my dad does at weddings? Fucking right.

It was a lot of fun, and it did release tension, but the guy got really mad at me about it and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Really? Some gals don’t skype strip, especially not on command, and I think someone needs a better sense of humor.

Little People Circus

13 Aug

 

On Saturday night, my friend, her boyfriend and I went to a little people circus in Harrisburg, PA.

I imagined that they would do typical circus things, but it turned out not really being  that kind of circus. First of all, the tall, round, ringmaster spent the evening pretending that his penis was an elephant and that it made elephant sounds. Weird. Then there was a tiny Elvis impersonator who later juggled with fire. Fun.

My favorite acts, however, included the talents of Jordanna James and Nik Sin.

Nik Sin, who has a bit of Marilyn Manson style (and has played mini Marilyn Manson), came out in clown makeup and a red nose and deep-throated a balloon, which is a fine magic trick, indeed. As far as a small clowns with tattoos deep-throating things goes, I think this performance takes the cake. He returned later in the show and escaped from a small straight jacket while hanging upside down. I suggest looking him up if you have time.

 

Nik Sin

 

Jordanna James came out in the same cheetah costume that I wore for Halloween when I 9, except she stripped out of it. I didn’t remove mine in any sort of sexual fashion. She also danced with a whip to Circus by Britney Spears and rode around on the ringmaster’s back. I liked her weave.

 

Jordanna James

 

It was a fun evening and I recommend checking them out if they’re ever in town.

I  uploaded the picture above to Facebook and on my way home that night, I received questionable messages from two different men.  Enjoy.

 

Guy 1: Can you get the number of the blonde little person please?

Me: I already left… are you serious?

Guy 1: When you’re horny, why not? My belief is my penis will be bigger to her and I’ve always wanted to feel like a black guy.

Me: Fair enough.

______________

Guy 2: I want to have a threesome with you and the blonde little person, is that wrong?

Me: To each his own. I don’t do threesomes, but thank you for including me in your fantasy.

10 Aug

This girl has wicked skills, and happens to have touched me today.

Reasons Men Exist

9 Aug

After 10 months of focused research, I have finally created a comprehensive list of the main reasons that men exist. Please let me know if I’ve left any out.

 


My results show that men exist to:

– Grill amazing things

– Remove bugs

– Zip up my dress

– Fasten my bracelet

– Check if food is too hot before I take a bite

– Find out what that sound was downstairs

– Remind me that I live in a land of make-believe

– Reach high places

– Hold *this* for a second while I look for/do *that*

– Make me laugh

– Pick which shoes I should wear after I’ve narrowed it down

– Fix the toilet

– Tell me when there’s something wrong with my car

– Teach me about something that I didn’t originally find interesting,
such as space or different types of screwdrivers

– Remind me that farts exist and that they are hilarious

– Accidentally say something stupid while trying to compliment me

– Remind me that so many other women are hotter than I am

– Fix my electronics

– Practice impregnating me

Ginger and Big Tweety

8 Aug

Four years ago, when I first moved to Baltimore City, I lived in Butcher’s Hill with my best friend, Kelli. There were a number of characters in our neighborhood, but my two favorite white trash locals were named Ginger and Big Tweety. Those two were always out causing some kind of trouble. Sometimes when I walked by I would throw a fake gang sign and if they said it wasn’t a real gang sign I would be like, “It is too. It’s for a new gang I made up–you guys can be in it if you want. Girls only.” They always shook their heads at me, unsure if I was being serious.

One morning at 4:15 am,  I walked a friend to his car that was parked five blocks away (god forbid anyone ever find parking anywhere in this city).

When I returned to my street there were two seedy figures frantically scratching at the lamppost in front of my house. I was nervous until I realized it was just my neighbor Ginger and her girl Big Tweety. Tweety’s real name was Trina, but she was hefty and regularly sported a gorgeous stonewashed denim jacket with Tweety Bird on the back and a Tweety Bird denim bowling bag as her purse–so naturally, Ginger called her Big Tweety.

This is what used to be written on the pole:

Ginger ♥s Jamaal
Fuck All Bitches and Niggas. I Love him 4EVEr Always.

 

While Big Tweety worked diligently to cover this expression of true love, Ginger was writing something else. I got bold (was wicked drunk) and asked, “What happened to Jamaal?” and Big Tweety calmly replied, “He dead.”

Ginger said nothing.

I felt really bad about it. “Oh, oh my god, I’m so sorry,” I kept apologizing to her, but soon realized she didn’t care all that much because she was writing this:

 

Ginger ♥2 david
(Looks like someone got a little excited and wrote that ‘s’ backwards)

 

Four years later, we remember Jamaal and all he did for the neighborhood, including the time he lit a bag of poop on fire and chased a kid with it and that other time he went door-to-door asking if “anybody got any weed.”

Rest in peace, Jamaal. We hardly knew ye.

Karen, My Alter Ego

6 Aug

While I am usually a very sweet person, every few months I get overwhelmed by life and my crazy alter ego takes over and all she wants to do is yell at people, take off her clothes, shut off her brain and eat a quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream while watching some chick movies. If someone tries to stop her, she becomes a fiery, snappy bitch who has no problem cracking the skulls of those who get in her way.

This has happened ever since I was a child (except back then I would take off my clothes, demand a cookie and then go talk to my imaginary friends, a turtle and a mermaid, who lived in the sewer). My dad says that it happens when I reach my “threshold of stimulation” and he actually finds it quite funny because my whole personality changes. Here is a photograph that captures this phenomena:

 

 

He emailed me recently to say that while he was watching a Bridezillas marathon (I didn’t ask why that would even be happening), he found the woman who possesses me when I reach that threshold. Her name is Karen and she’s a crazy Italian from New York.

I would get mad and deny it, but he’s right. Hey, at least it isn’t the demon that possessed Regan MacNeill in “The Exorcist.” Here’s a taste of my alter ego, Karen, in action:

 

August 3, 2011

3 Aug

On August 3, 2011, Dane and I went to the beach and it was a lot of fucking fun (he hated it when I said ‘fuck’ because a “little lady in pearls shouldn’t have such a dirty little sailor mouth”).

Fuckity, fuck fuck fuck. I say it all the time now to see if he will come haunt-scold me just so we can hang out for a little bit. So far, I have had zero luck with this plan, but I do get to say ‘fuck’ a lot, so, I have that going for me.

 

 

One hour after I took this photo, we got in the water and a wave knocked me off my ass and took me down. Dane said I disappeared for a minute and when he saw me, I was rolling up the beach with seaweed in my hair and my boobs hanging out. Both of them. And what did he do? He pointed and laughed, drawing attention of other people who then all saw my heaving, washed-up bosom covered in sand. If ever there was a hearty laugh that came out of that man, it was on that day.

That night, we played Pirate themed mini golf and he said he “tried” letting me win because of the whole wave incident, but I was just that terrible at mini golf. Whatever, I was just having an off day. Afterward, we went out for dinner and drinks and I had the best scallops I have ever had in my life.

Then we got more drinks and I did the Carmen Electra Booty Shake for a group of people and then I danced to classic rock with old white trash guys while Dane laughed and then I had “just one more” and he ended up having to carry me to the car.

I guess I am telling you this because August 3, 2011 was the beginning of a great week with my best friend. It was certainly better than what I’m doing now, which is sitting on my couch with ice on my ankle because I fell under a streetlight while running last night and my shorts half fell off, revealing a single butt cheek, and then two guys laughed at me. I cried and limped myself a mile back to an empty house.

I must admit, there are few things after a good cry that are better than ice cream.

Anyway, that’s what I was doing a year ago. If you love someone, hug that person nice and tight and have a good weekend. (Dane, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to be haunt-scolded for saying ‘fuck’. You know ghosts terrify me. Miss you.)

 

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