Tag Archives: charm city

Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

Perhaps I just need to get laid, but…

24 Feb

Baltimore is just not turning me on these days. Look at this mundane, lifeless lab. I’m editing a paper about T cells. The only sound I hear is the humming of a centrifuge. This feels like the longest day of my life.

This science lab does not turn me on.

I’m sick of dead grass and brown buildings. I’m tired of seeing prostitutes, crazy people and sidewalk syringes.

I could use a stimulating conversation. Switch me on. Give me visuals. I want colors and life.

This is where I was 7 years ago….

Scotland turns me on.

Now that’s sexy. Even just the memory of this place flushes my cheeks and fills me with light. It makes me want to run as fast as I can and use the full capacity of my lungs. I want to scream loud and hear my echo. I’ll be back for you, rolling hills, and you better ravish me just as you did upon our last meeting. Or else.

Until then, I guess I’ll just have to use my imagination while I search ever so desperately for some Charm City inspiration.

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