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PizzaBoxDrawcember

7 Dec

In case you didn’t know, David Harding’s cousin wanted someone working at the pizza emporium to draw a picture on a pizza box and now David Harding has declared it PizzaBoxDrawcember. I will be participating in this event because:

A. I like food.

B. I like David Harding. He’s silly and talented and you should follow him. He’s Australian, ladies, but he’s married, so keep those panties intact.

C. I am due for a pizza and wine bender while I wait for my boyfriend to get off work and then he’s like, “You sound miserable, did you eat a whole pizza again?” and I’m like, “Absolutely.”

My last pizza bender involved waking up at 10:30 pm to an empty pizza box, two ice cream cone wrappers and what appeared to be a ‘food baby’ pregnancy.

This had me wondering if other people also go on pizza benders and lucky for those reading this, a Google search did me no wrong. What I found is a video of a guy drinking warm Newcastle Ale amidst a Hall & Oates pizza bender. Perfect!

According to the “About” section, he proceeded to eat the ‘za and do farts, all while listening to Hall & Oats. This was the morning of a wedding that he and his brother attended. He drank approximately 9 beers by the time he got to the wedding and that evening led to his brother ripping off his own shirt like superman and the star of this video climbing up a mountainside in the pitch dark.

If you do not like burps, farts, Hall & Oates or boys, I do not suggest that you click play. Personally, I think this is a masterpiece and I believe that all men are disgustingly fabulous works of art and I veritably adore them.

 

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My Knight in Shining Nakedness

5 Dec

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.

The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.

Oh, sweet illusion!

One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.

He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!

And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!

Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.

Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.

I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.

I so want a sunset.

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A Dolly for Sue

3 Dec

I have to be honest with you guys, I am bitter about Christmas. The actual day is always nice, but everything surrounding it gives me a case of the mean reds. It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m getting older, I live alone, I only get one channel, my house is freezing cold and so on…

Look, this is my tree:

 

tree

 

One thing I do love about Christmastime? Stop-motion animation. You know, Rankin Bass style. My favorite is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Surely you’ve seen it:
 

Rudolph

Rudolph and Hermey have a jam sesh


 
If you haven’t, basically what happens is that Rudolph’s parents hate his nose so they try to cover it up and during training his fake nose pops off and his girlfriend Clarice’s dad is all “heeell no” and Rudolph is sad so he runs away from home and goes on an adventure where he meets Hermey (aspiring elf dentist who also ran away) and a dude named Yukon Cornelius…the greatest prospector in the north. I am disgusted by the way he licks his ice pick. They join together and eventually the traveling trio come across The Island of Misfit Toys where everyone, of course, sings a song:

 

 

There was a question that plagued me each year as I watched this part. What’s wrong with the Dolly for Sue? She looks just fine to me (yes I have too much time on my hands).

This year, I finally looked it up to see if there is an explanation. Sure enough, I am not the only curious one. In his book “The Enchanted World of Rankin Bass,” Rick Goldschmidt explains, “In the original broadcast the Dolly’s screen time is mere seconds. I don’t believe Romeo Muller really gave the character much thought. She was granted more screen time in the 1965 and 1997 broadcasts which ultimately led many a fan to wonder what was wrong with her. Arthur Rankin says that Dolly’s problem is more psychological.”

While the rest of the toys were made incorrectly, the girly toy’s problem is psychological. Interesting.

So, what do you think?

My explanation is that her rag doll boyfriend dumped her because things just weren’t working out, so she got depressed and instead of coming back a stronger doll, she just cries, feels bad for herself and eats french fries all the time and the other misfit toys gossip and say things like “Greeeaat, here comes Dolly for Sue again, what a downer.”

Good god, Dolly, you’re embarrassing yourself. Get off your ass already and have some self-respect.

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Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!

 

Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos

 

Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream

 

Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow

 

Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig

 

A majestic headpiece will wow your guests

 

Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece

 

I AM SO DOING THIS

 

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Thankful in 2012

21 Nov

2012 has been a challenging year for everyone I know, and I think we have all grown a lot because of it. I am thankful for this growth. I am also thankful for these other things:

1. Hot dogs.

2. The power-ups Christopher De Voss gives me throughout the day. He’s 900 miles away, so I don’t even know how he does that. We’re like magical and stuff.

3. Magic and stuff.

4. Anything that eats spiders because I do not like those guys.

5. My budding hula hooping talent that will someday make me a vaudeville circus star.

6. That I never break my nose when I’m lying in bed and drop my phone directly on it.

7. My milkshake and the superabundance of boys it brings to the yard.

8. The roof over my head and the candy on my plate.

9. Laughter caused by Twitter. I can’t believe those people give that degree of funny away for free.

10. This surfing alpaca.

 

What are you thankful for?

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NeverEnding Imaginations

20 Nov

I love reading creative posts and catching a glimpse of what’s inside the imaginations of other bloggers. My imagination gets wild and crazy and I can think of a few childhood experiences that certainly played a major role in that development.

One example is my love for the 1984 film The NeverEnding Story.

Cue majestic music, bitches:
 


 

When I was a kid, I made my parents rent that movie every weekend for approximately two years. Something about it truly grabbed my imagination and expanded La La Land into a vast empire where I am still a beautiful empress with a British accent. I also blame it for giving me imaginary friends (a mermaid and a turtle) that lived in the sewer.*

At night I made up related stories while curled up on the floor in my Care Bears sleeping bag. In my head, I WAS The Childlike Empress and I lived in an ivory tower made of glorious light. I imagined (still imagine, just kidding, kind of) someday walking down the aisle wearing her headpiece:
 

But with real pearls. Image from Etsy.

 
Except back then I was jonesin’ for some Atreyu:
 

Atreyu sporting the Auryn. Image from Google.

 
Is there something from your childhood that you associate with the development of your imagination? Do you still make up stories in your head as you fall asleep? Have you ever put someone’s baby on a dog and pretended he was riding Falcor? No? Oh. I guess I haven’t either, then. That would be a weird thing to do.

Also, this is the song from the movie. Look at this guy. Just look at him…and there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never-ending story.

 

______________

* My imaginary friends and I are no longer in contact.

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Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.

Requirements

  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….

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Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov

image

 

The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:

 

Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.

 

And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):

 

image

From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.

 

 

Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.

image

OR just hold your breath.

 

Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.

 

So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

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Another Skype Date

4 Nov

Don’t worry, this particular Skype date doesn’t involve nudity because it was with Maggie… and she isn’t a douche bag. It was, however, going to involve a dance party, but we got too drunk. At least I think we both did–it may have just been me. I’ll save the robot and Carlton dance for next time, girlfriend.

You should probably check out Maggie if you don’t already read her blog. She’s kind of like me, but in the future. And blonde. I wonder if I’m blonde in the future?

I was pleased to find that she is just as funny and delightful in person on camera as she is in writing. I assume the second half of the conversation was just as enjoyable as the first half. I remember noodles. And her dog. And that we have the same refrigerator. I think I told like an hour-long story after that. Sorry, Maggie. The thing about Skype is that when you open a bottle of wine, the other person isn’t drinking from your bottle and then you have too much fun and drink the whole thing. Oops!

Assuming I didn’t offend you, I’d love to chat again soon! That goes for anyone else I consider a friend. Just saying. We could have a group meeting on Google about a project, maybe. Not that I have a project in mind, but if I did, that would be neat. I promise not to drink too much or take off my shirt or anything. Okay, I’m going now.

Hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday!

 

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Happy Halloween (and stuff)

31 Oct

It may have rained in two of my bedrooms, but I made it through the storm. On Monday night I was so bored that I ate an entire bag of Halloween candy, drank a bottle of wine and then, by candlelight and Nicki French’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” learned to sing and hula hoop with two hoops at the same time. That will be useful for my future, I’m sure.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! While you all are out with your children, I’ll be stuffing my face giving out candy by myself and wishing I had a screaming kid on a sugar high.

 

 

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