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Happy Birthday, Dad!

20 Feb

People often ask me where I get my sense of humor. Well…here he is!

 

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“What ever happened to good old 50 Cent?” — Dennis, My Dad

 

My mom says that before I was born, my dad was a very serious person. Then, like magic, the earth was blessed with the miserable baby miracle of me and my dad’s number one goal from then on was to make me laugh.

My dad is my very best friend and I am so grateful to have him in my life! I love you!

Thank you for being so supportive, for teaching me about sports, showing me love, sneaking me candies before bedtime when I was growing up and, of course, thank you so much for always making me giggle. You’re the best!

I made a video montage so everyone could celebrate and watch him in action.

Enjoy!

 

How to Have a Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Here is how to have a good day today whether you’re happily married, single, your wife hates you, or your boyfriend is abroad:

1. Quit yer bitching and be grateful.

2. Look nice. Shave for once. It feels good to look good.

3. Wear something festive. Today my underpants are pink. It’s like a secret party in there that no one can see.

4. Eat a lot of M&M’s.

5. Give candy to your co-workers because the fatter they are, the happier you are.

6. Laugh at funny things on the internet.

 

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7. Fart on really pretty people. They deserve it.

8. Dance and/or drink excessively.

9. Eat more M&M’s.

10. Go to bed remembering that some people only feel special today while YOU feel special every day.

Kevin – A Possible Book Preview

7 Feb

Some of you have asked for a preview of my collection of stories. It is not finalized, and I may not even include this one, but feedback is more than welcome. Let me know what you think.

_________

About four years ago I began seeing a guy named Kevin. He was younger than I was, which was a change of pace from my usual interest in older men. He had a “top secret government job,” which I thought sounded sexy and mysterious.

Kevin and I had a lot of fun together. I liked his preppy style. He was a typical party guy who loved drinking and socializing, which was perfect because I also happen to enjoy drinking and socializing.

Our first date was to a really fun bar in the city on a hot Tuesday night. It was a perfect date, really, even if we did get a bit too tipsy. He was tall and I loved his cute nose sunburn, and the way he looked into my eyes when he bent down and tucked my hair behind my ear before he kissed me.

I have to admit that I am such a sucker for a hot date on a summer night with some cold drinks. Who isn’t?

When it was over he dropped me off at my house and said he would call me the next day. When he did, he invited me to meet his parents out on Friday for happy hour, and then he and I would go out afterward. It sounded fun.

That Friday I wore a pretty blue dress my mom had bought me for “something special.” I was excited, and I’ll admit a bit nervous to meet his parents on only our second date.

Kevin picked me up and we met them at a bar on the water in Fells Point, a really cute area in Baltimore City. His parents, Phil and Viv, easily were two of the nicest, most fun people I have ever met. They were young, hip and everything I could have wanted on a date with parents…until his mother took out a nail file.

It could have been the effect of the beer, but I swear to you that I watched in slow motion as his mother reached over to her son and began filing his nails. My jaw dropped.

“He doesn’t keep up with his nails very well, does he?” she commented.

“Err, I hadn’t noticed,” I replied.

“Well, he doesn’t. He’s not very good with his room, either. You’ll have to push him to clean.”

The whole thing lasted only about three minutes, but I am telling you that it was such an odd moment that I couldn’t help but comment on it later. “Kev, does your mom always file your nails like that?”

“Yeah, she does, she’s kind of a control freak.”

I kind of wish I had run at that moment, but do you think we should we really judge people immediately about things like that? He was younger than me, after all. Maybe he was just a bit immature, or maybe I was just making up excuses. I didn’t know, I was just glad it was over.

He and I went to another bar and got food and more beers and somehow we thought it would be fun to make a bet that for every beer I drank, he could drink two in the same amount of time. It turned out that he could, but as you can imagine after my four pints and his eight, I ended up drunk and he ended up extremely drunk. We kept laughing and enjoying ourselves, though. He was such a fun guy to be around!

Afterward, we decided to walk back to his house, hand in well-manicured hand. He lived about seven blocks from where we were and at block three he started picking up the pace.

“Why are we rushing?” I inquired, doubling my step to keep up.

“Sorry, I have to use the bathroom.” My roommates are out, so when we get inside just make yourself at”…and then, my friends, he pooped his pants.

Right then and there, Kevin farted and pooped his pants.

I got a cab home.

We never talked again.

#52

1 Feb

In the summer of 2001, I was lucky enough to be standing with a small group of people who were meeting the Ravens football team. They had just won Super Bowl XXXV a few months before and everyone was excited.

All of our favorites were signing that day and I recall vividly my brother Matt and his cute friend getting super worked up because Ray Lewis was coming.

 

Matt’s friend: HE’S COMING.

Me: I know! So exciting!

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Me: Get him to sign your football and say hi?

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

Me: I don’t know. Play it cool. He doesn’t really have time to talk to us, anyway.

Matt’s friend: WE’RE NEXT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

Me: Oh my god, just chill out, you’re making me nervous.

 

::Ray Lewis appears before us, I see a light glimmering in Matt’s friend’s eyes::

 

Me: Hi Ray!

Matt’s friend (SO loudly): I’M WEARING MY RAY LEWIS UNDERPANTS.

Ray Lewis: Hah, that’s cool…I guess.

Me: That just happened.

 

::Ray Lewis moves on to much cooler people than us::

 

And that sums up the time I met #52, Ray Lewis. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Go Ravens! And yay Puppy Bowl!

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That’s What She Said

28 Jan

Hope everyone is well. I had to share this real quick. Recently, I taught my 61-year-old boss the art of “that’s what she said.” He asked me what it was and ever so awkwardly I explained the turn of a phrase that changes its meaning to something more vulgar. This was about a month ago and thankfully the topic never came up again.

 

This morning he returned from a business trip and noticed my hair was different. Here we go. Enjoy.

 

Boss: Oh, you cut your hair. Did you donate it to Locks of Love?

Me: Unfortunately it was only seven inches.

Boss: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Me: You’ve been waiting for the perfect moment, haven’t you?

Boss: I DID IT! Was that good?

Me: Yes, I didn’t even see it coming.

Boss: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Me: I did this to myself.

Boss: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Thank you. I’m going to do this all day to everyone.

Me: So glad I could help. So glad.

Thanks, Boys!

22 Jan

Today I feel famous for being kind of a loser. Here’s why:

 

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First of all, Simon, Twitter Maestro and author of sweetandweak, retweeted me to well over 4,000 people. That dude is a tweet magician.

Then, Twin Daddy got his inspiration from me for his Daily Prompt. He would like to get a video of my nose whistling. Boys are funny. And gross.

Also, David Harding said he is including me in a book of his AND he read the mess that is the makings of my book (where yes, I am a bit of a loser) and said he loved it.

AND…I just walked out of the lab and someone made red velvet cupcakes, so I think today is pretty much one of the best days ever.

So, that’s why today I feel a bit famous and yes,  proud to be kind of a loser who has a nose that whistles at the worst times imaginable.

Ugh.

Thanks guys.

Finally, I won’t be around the blogs as much because I am trying to write more and goof off less. I’ve never been very good at managing my time for these kinds of things. I once wrote a 40-page paper in a one week (and got an A, mind you) and my teacher said I was the only one who followed the directions. Weird.

I will still write here, just not as consistently, and I will do my best to comment on your blogs because I enjoy reading them. You all make me laugh and cry and some of you turn me on and many of you inspire me so very much. It’s a wild roller coaster of emotions, really. Jesus.

If you’ve ever laughed and then cried after being horny because of people you’ve never met…you will know what I mean.

Wow, I just reread that sentence.

See you soon!

 

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions and wins from being kind of lame.

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Ravens fan. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions.

 

Disney Princess Idea

17 Jan
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NYYAAH ZAABEEENNYAAAHH BABIDICHIBABA

 
In the fourth grade, I went to see The Lion King and had a truly magical experience. First of all, I sat next to Cal Ripken Jr. in the theater. Win. Secondly, I spent the next ten years or so thinking that after the NYYAAH ZAABEEENNYAAAHH BABIDICHIBABA bit, that they were chanting “pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom /pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom.”
 
Here, have a listen for yourself (at 27 seconds):

 

 

Now, allow me to smoothly segue into the real issue at hand, which is that while I long to look like a Disney Princess, there are none that I resemble quite like the way Becca resembles Ariel.

Hey, Disney, how about a sarcastic, green-eyed princess with dark hair who likes cake a lot? She actually sings and can ride a horse, too. Maybe her prince is older, funny and quite debonaire and saves her from real life situations like when she gets drunk and passes out in the basement. Or maybe she doesn’t get a prince at all and she just goes home and eats chips sometimes and dances in her underpants and every now and then she gets herself into some of the gosh darn kookiest situations. Perhaps her name is “Laurel,” you know, for whimsy sake.

She seems like a neat princess for your next fairy tale (of a charm city chick). See what I did there? So, what do you say? Disney? Hello? Anyone?

Obligatory Search Terms Post

15 Jan

There are many that stand out to me, but below are some of my favorite search terms from this past week. Of course the top search term was “tales of a charm city chick.” Yes, everyone, I can see that you look me up. The second search term was “Jonah Falcon’s dick,” which is still 13.5 inches in case anyone is wondering. No, I don’t know from experience, but I promise that you can find information about him elsewhere.

Okay, here we go.

Section 1:

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1. I will not strip on Skype, but I will do the robot for you to Tom Jones, though, so we should Skype some time.

2. It’s true, cats do not give even one single fuck.

3. I can do the Carmen Electra booty shake. I am small, but mighty.

Section 2:

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1. How to look hot like Marlon Brando. I don’t know, but if you are male, single and figure it out please CALL ME.

2. I am not available for purchase, but thank you for inquiring.

3. I have never discussed this topic, and I’m glad it has never happened to me.

4. YOU WENT OUT WITHOUT SOCKS…you risque little man, you.

Section 3:

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1. Aw, baby jesus wishes you a Merry Christmas, too.

2. I do have requirements, you can find them at this location. 

3. Someone got drunk and looked up a creepy topic about unicorns. For shame.

4. Canary yellow bridesmaids dresses are just lovely…I hope you found what you were looking for.

5. How to strip on Skype? 1. Turn on Tom Jones. 2. Take off your clothes, probably. You’re welcome. NEXT.

6. I love Lord of the Rings and all things hobbits, but girl hobbits are probably hairy, too. Just a warning.

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7. James Spader was hot as a young man. Agreed.

8. Who will strip for you on Skype? It still isn’t me. Try meeting someone and working for it. Lazy.

9. MY MOST FAVORITE SEARCH TERM OF THE LAST 7 DAYS. I don’t know. I don’t have words about this bodysuit. I don’t have a single thing to say besides THANK YOU for looking it up. Seriously, thank you.

 

Last but not least, if you haven’t seen it, this is my new future husband, Macklemore…. if Vyvacious doesn’t get to him first, of course. She’s gorgeous and loves her some Batman.

Positively Charged Perversion

8 Jan

I went to a strict all-girls Catholic school. It was junior year. I was late for Chemistry because my swimming class ran ten minutes behind.

I rehearsed my apology as I ran down the hall in my wet, blue dress and squishy saddle shoes. The instructor, Sister J, was a very sarcastic nun who often licked her lips and rested her large bosom on her lab bench. She did not tolerate tardiness.

I ran in the room. “I am so…so…sorry,” I began.

Sister J: We were waiting on you. Put in this video.

Me: Oh okay, I am so sorry, swimming ran late.

I put in the video, turned off the lights and sat down to catch my breath. Then, the following magic took place:

 

 

I snickered. My lab partner laughed and we heard a chuckle behind us. Suddenly, girly giggles broke out throughout the classroom and I just could not hold it in anymore and began crying from laughter. Crying.

When the video ended, I flicked on the lights.

Sister J looked at us and shook her head. “Ladies, you should all know better, and Miss M [that would be me], you are a pervert!”

I was shocked! A pervert! Why was I the only pervert!?

Then I remembered the day there was a naked guy seen walking in the woods next to school and I hauled my sweet ass to the window to check him out (for the record, I had never seen a real naked guy…as it turned out I wasn’t missing much).

I am reminded of this story because this morning my coworker looked out the window and shouted, “A NAKED GUY!” and once again I hauled my sweet ass over to the window like a puppy excited to see the mailman.

Eleven years later at 28 years old, the video still makes me laugh and apparently, I am still a pervert. Somewhere Sister J is shaking her head disapprovingly.

Whatevs, Sister J, I just love to laugh. Laughter, love and naked guys are pretty much what make this world go ’round, anyway.

Becca and La La’s New Year’s Eve Celebration

29 Dec

Becca and I were sitting around last night, trying to decide to what to do on New Year’s Eve:
 

 
Guess what? You’re invited!

Join Becca and La La for a New Year’s Eve Celebration!

When: New Year’s Eve, duh! Come anytime you want, we will be there and already drunk, probably.

Where: La La’s house!

Bring: A snack of your choice, wine or beer and a change of underwear….what? You never know what could happen and no, you can’t borrow Becca’s underwear (and I don’t wear any because of a dress tucking incident) so it’s best to just come prepared.
 
RSVP in the comments and we will include you in a follow-up post about how much fun we all had!

 

Directions:

1. Drive to the airport

2. Fly to BWI, get in a cab and take I-95 N

3. Take the creepy exit (lock your doors, please)

4. Drive 2 miles and turn left at the homeless man with peg legs (don’t ask him if he was a pirate because 1. it’s rude and 2. he gets really angry)

5. Go to the house with the front porch and black roof

6. Leave your shirt at the door!

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