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Thankful in 2012

21 Nov

2012 has been a challenging year for everyone I know, and I think we have all grown a lot because of it. I am thankful for this growth. I am also thankful for these other things:

1. Hot dogs.

2. The power-ups Christopher De Voss gives me throughout the day. He’s 900 miles away, so I don’t even know how he does that. We’re like magical and stuff.

3. Magic and stuff.

4. Anything that eats spiders because I do not like those guys.

5. My budding hula hooping talent that will someday make me a vaudeville circus star.

6. That I never break my nose when I’m lying in bed and drop my phone directly on it.

7. My milkshake and the superabundance of boys it brings to the yard.

8. The roof over my head and the candy on my plate.

9. Laughter caused by Twitter. I can’t believe those people give that degree of funny away for free.

10. This surfing alpaca.

 

What are you thankful for?

NeverEnding Imaginations

20 Nov

I love reading creative posts and catching a glimpse of what’s inside the imaginations of other bloggers. My imagination gets wild and crazy and I can think of a few childhood experiences that certainly played a major role in that development.

One example is my love for the 1984 film The NeverEnding Story.

Cue majestic music, bitches:
 


 

When I was a kid, I made my parents rent that movie every weekend for approximately two years. Something about it truly grabbed my imagination and expanded La La Land into a vast empire where I am still a beautiful empress with a British accent. I also blame it for giving me imaginary friends (a mermaid and a turtle) that lived in the sewer.*

At night I made up related stories while curled up on the floor in my Care Bears sleeping bag. In my head, I WAS The Childlike Empress and I lived in an ivory tower made of glorious light. I imagined (still imagine, just kidding, kind of) someday walking down the aisle wearing her headpiece:
 

But with real pearls. Image from Etsy.

 
Except back then I was jonesin’ for some Atreyu:
 

Atreyu sporting the Auryn. Image from Google.

 
Is there something from your childhood that you associate with the development of your imagination? Do you still make up stories in your head as you fall asleep? Have you ever put someone’s baby on a dog and pretended he was riding Falcor? No? Oh. I guess I haven’t either, then. That would be a weird thing to do.

Also, this is the song from the movie. Look at this guy. Just look at him…and there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never-ending story.

 

______________

* My imaginary friends and I are no longer in contact.

Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov

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The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:

 

Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.

 

And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):

 

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From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.

 

 

Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.

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OR just hold your breath.

 

Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.

 

So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

Happy Halloween (and stuff)

31 Oct

It may have rained in two of my bedrooms, but I made it through the storm. On Monday night I was so bored that I ate an entire bag of Halloween candy, drank a bottle of wine and then, by candlelight and Nicki French’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” learned to sing and hula hoop with two hoops at the same time. That will be useful for my future, I’m sure.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! While you all are out with your children, I’ll be stuffing my face giving out candy by myself and wishing I had a screaming kid on a sugar high.

 

 

Can Attractive Women Be Funny?

25 Oct

While Nikki Finke, Editor in Chief of Deadline Hollywood, was watching the Emmys’, she wrote:

“Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy…Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups. Bowen isn’t a comedienne just like Brooke Shields wasn’t and a zillion more. Because it’s all about emotional pain and humiliation and rising above both by making people laugh with you instead of at you. So stop casting beautiful actresses when you should be giving ugly women a chance.”

It reminded me of an article I read in Vanity Fair by the late Christopher Hitchens. He explained that attractive women don’t need to be funny to get attention from men, that women in general aren’t childish (crude) enough to be funny and that the rare female comedians who are funny are normally “hefty or dykey or jewish” (oh my).

There are other opinions out there suggesting women in general aren’t funny.

So, can attractive women be funny? Can women in general be funny people?

Nope. You’re right, Nikki Finke and ghost of Christopher Hitchens (who quoted the 1911 poem “The Female of the Species” by Rudyard Kipling, which says women deal with the seriousness of motherhood and have no time for jest). I guess we can all agree because we all have the same views on what it means to be “beautiful” and/or “funny,” despite the variety of both female characteristics and types of humor that exist.

I really just can’t think of any funny, pretty women on TV and my lovely lady friends/the beautiful female bloggers are certainly all dull.

And yikes, Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey never get me to even crack a smile:

Photo by Annie Leibowitz, Vanity Fair

Anyway, I’m off to make some sort of stew and have a baby or something. If readers have any examples of funny, attractive women, please share.

No? You don’t? Didn’t think so.

Post #2 by Another Single, Boring White Girl Named Lauren

10 Oct

This was once the view from my workplace:

London

 

This is now the view from my workplace:

Graveyard

 

Coming back to Baltimore was a sensible choice and editing science could be rewarding. Someday. Today I am editing a grant about the capacity for Env to differentiate naïve CD4 T cells into the T follicular helper phenotype. I must be sort of tired or something because my eyes keep crossing.

I work with an international group of people like I did in London, although I suppose now it’s just mostly old Chinese men and one old Russian guy.

Oh…and I guess there’s this one guy from Wisconsin named Glen who stares at me in the elevator. He has a bowl cut.

They may not give me credit for the things I do here, but it’s only a 12 minute drive from my house. Sometimes 14 minutes. Speaking of, I’m looking forward to getting home tonight because I’m having couscous again for dinner. Neat.

What I Learned at 27

30 Sep

My weekend was relatively lame and I’m sorry to report that I have no stories about me falling down or kissing all the wrong men. So, here’s another list. Yaaaaaay.

Tomorrow I turn 28. Here are 27 things I learned this year:

 

1. Drinking alone isn’t so awful.

2. Toe hair is no joke.

3. Hula hooping is fun.

4. Everyone is going to die, so don’t take your loved ones for granted.

5. I need to follow my heart, no matter how stupid it makes me look.

6. If someone doesn’t treat me well, fuck them (“middle finger” sense, not “penis inside me” sense).

7. Not that I’m complaining, but most men on the internet are fucking freaks (okay, yes, I’m complaining).

8. Being alone isn’t half as scary as I thought.

9. Birthday sex is so overrated…probably. (Work with me here, I’m trying to make myself feel better.)

10. If I leave my car unlocked, a prostitute will have sex in it.

11. I can’t get high and listen to Nights in White Satin because it makes me feel like I am in a movie.

12. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

13. Despite what I was hoping, the majority of men really do think with their dicks.

14. Everyone gives advice about love and it’s all different. I appreciate the help, but I can’t always listen–I need to live my life!

15. One can lose a lot of weight by dancing every day.

16. Doing the robot on Skype is hilarious to the right naked man, and all the other naked men will not find it funny.

17. I’m romantic and that’s okay.

18. Laughing is SO MUCH FUN.

19. It is possible to live without cable.

20. The past is past and what happened, happened.

21. Living in love isn’t easy at first, but it changes thinking patterns and IS fabulous.

22. Never stop being grateful.

23. Love should feel good.

24. Tequila and grapefruit juice are delicious together.

25. Being married to me will be fun and super sexy (I hang out with me, I would know).

26. It’s okay to be a funny girl.

27. I still have no idea what I’m doing!

 

Thank You Dad, Mom, Alison and Rod Stewart

26 Sep

 

As you are aware, my 28th birthday is Monday.  I’ve been thinking about life and all the people I should thank for helping to shape me as a human being. As it turns out, there are only about four people to thank, so why not do so in a post.

 

1 and 2. Patricia and Dennis. They made a mistake in their late 30s and I was the result. You’re welcome, world.

 

 

3. Alison. The friend I’ve had since I was 11 who never judges anything I do, and I don’t judge anything she does. When we were kids, while all the other 11 year old girls were doing normal things, Alison and I were in the back of my mom’s blue station wagon shouting the lyrics to Rod Stewart songs while eating chicken nuggets and not giving even a single fuck. It was weird. We’re still pretty weird.

 

 

4. Rod Stewart. He taught me that young hearts gotta run free, be free, live free and that time is on, time is on my side. He also taught me that I have a thing for older men. You’re welcome, older men.

 

 

I am going to shout the song below in the car on the way home from work today. I bestow upon thine ears, the gift of Rod Stewart (and please check out the drummer):

 

 

I Want It Now

21 Sep

My birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, daddy, I promise not to get too Veruca Salt on your ass this year.

1. Money for a tank of gas.

2. Shoes.

Tell mom I’m an 8 1/2

 

3. A clever teapot.

I just want to tell you so much…I love this teapot

 

4. This Pasotti Ombrelli. It’s like a fucking scepter with a pretty umbrella on the end. I don’t own an umbrella, and I’m in need of a scepter, so this will be perfect.

Only $215.00

 

5. Underpants. I needs ’em (seriously, I haven’t worn underwear in like a month).

It’s true

 

6. GIMMIE THIS PIG.

I shall name her Gertrude

 

7. A funny boyfriend who enjoys copious amounts of sexual activities and doesn’t mind killing the spiders in my basement. He should also like wine, cheese and hugging me.

A silhouette attempt

 

8.  I ask every year, so I’m not sure why you still haven’t gotten me a fucking beautiful unicorn.

Look, two fucking beautiful unicorns. I want the less feisty one.

 

9. Lastly, Blackwood Distillers makes a triple distilled vodka that is ice-filtered through Nordic birch charcoal and then is passed through a sand of crushed diamonds and other gems. Price? $1,060,000. It’s so beautiful that I probably won’t even cry or text an ex-boyfriend when I drink it (just kidding, I probably will).

This is necessary for your daughter’s happiness, daddy. Love you!

Hi!

15 Sep

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven’t been commenting much. Twitter was trying to steal my soul (@acharmcitychick).

I’m taking off from blogging this week. I’ll be back soon to brighten your day with more stories about being clumsy, single and/or drunk. Have a good week!

 

 

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