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Ultimate Makeout Session Mix

17 Dec

Yesterday I learned that many of you have listened to certain songs when having or imagining a makeout session. From this prompt I also learned that I know a bunch of wonderful weirdos.

As a little gift to you this holiday season, I made a playlist of our songs to help listeners have an amazing makeout session!

Long time lovers? Trying to impress someone on the first date? This playlist will work wonders–I promise. Okay, so maybe the results were a little different from what I imagined….and there are a few ads in there so that’s annoying, but the playlist will serve its purpose so you better do so much kissing and touching and stuff to these songs! DO IT. ALL THE SEXY TIMES.

Just think, soon this could be you:

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But hopefully better. This is not good. Don’t do it this way.

Whoever you’re kissing will thank me later (because he or she has probably never swapped spit during “Kokomo” AND Cher on the same day).

I, as you already know, chose “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Below I included links to the writers and artists who participated and their songs of choice. I encourage folks to check them out as they are extremely talented and some of my very favorite creative people on all of the internets!

All of the song suggestions can be found on the Ultimate Makeout Session Mix playlist.  Enjoy!

Jason, thejasonmingle: Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time

Amy, The Bumble Files: Phil Collins – Take a Look at Me Now

Emily, The Waiting: Anything by Pearl Jam due to an Eddie Vedder crush, so I chose “Even Flow.”

Madame Weebles: Soul II Soul – Back to Life

Johnny Ojanpera: Roxette – It Must Have Been Love

Jason, The Life of JWo: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Jen and Tonic: Beach Boys – Kokomo

Vyvy, Vyvacious: Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

TJ Lubrano: Backstreet Boys – Nobody but You

RidicuRyder: Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

Trent Lewin: Anything by Abba, so I chose the song “Fernando.”

Steph Rogers, She Said What: Nelly Furtado – Magical World (Bassnectar Remix)

Becca, 25 To Fly: Sevyn Streeter feat. Chris Brown – It Won’t Stop (I chose this over John Mayer because John Mayer once said, “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist” soooo…).

Ginger Fight Back: Dr Feelgood – Milk and Alcohol

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Pure Moods

16 Dec

When I was a dorky 13-year-old, I bought the Pure Moods compilation CD after seeing an infomercial for it at a sleepover. There was something about it that drew me in, something bewitching.  If you’ve never heard of it, please, watch the commercial and find yourself as enchanted as I was:

Are you under the Pure Moods spell yet? Thought so. There’s probably a mist rising all around you at this very moment.

The song from this extraordinary compilation that really got me was “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Watch this magical tribute to wolves whilst the song makes gentle love to your ears (for optimal results, please listen as you continue on your literary journey):

So at this awkward stage in my life when I wore a headgear and was the same weight I am now, my biggest dream ever was to kiss a boy and whenever I listened to the song, I visited a magical land where Jeff Goldblum or some really cute boy grabbed me and at first I was all, “I don’t know about this,” but then I would succumb to his lips and fall into his arms while the wind blew through my long hair and behind us were green, rolling hills and a beautiful white horse with sparkles in its mane galloped by and then suddenly we would be holding hands and running through a lush forest and….and….

let’s just say it was a painful many, many years until a boy actually kissed me.

Last night I told my boyfriend that story and he said, “Okay, well we can listen to the song and kiss and stuff if you want.” Then we did, and now there’s an incredibly ecstatic 13-year-old girl in my heart (and later she will probably be squealing at the cafeteria lunch table and giving high fives all around to her friends and they’ll be like OMG YAYY this SO beats writing angsty poetry).

Anyway.

I guess I should also mention that it was pretty weird making out with that wolf video in the background. It didn’t quite capture the “spirit” I was hoping for. Maybe if he was wearing a wolf t-shirt or something and I had a dreamcatcher tattoo? I don’t know. Perhaps we will try that out next time.

So, did (do) you ever imagine making out to a particular song? Of course you did (do)–please share it below and I will post something special tomorrow with your answers!

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

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La La’s Relationship Advice Column

22 May

Yesterday on Facebook I asked for people to submit questions to me about relationships. I’ve always secretly wanted an advice column in the newspaper and I thought this would give me a chance to try it out.

I am splitting this up into two posts, so don’t fret if your question is not answered below.

Here we go.

 

1. Why do I always have to brush my teeth before kissing my wife? 

Here’s the deal. Boys are stinky pretty much all the time and we women have to deal with it and that’s okay because we love you. So you’re walkin’ around stinkin’ it up like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown while us gals smell like beautifulness and angel nectar because we never poop or sweat. It’s true, we don’t do either of those things. So, you have to brush your teeth before you kiss your wife because she has to smell your putridness all the time–should she really have to taste it, too?

 

2. Does the carpet always match the drapes?

When you think about it, if the carpet always matched the drapes, most women would have bald heads or mohawks. Some women would have pubic highlights that would end up looking like stripes. If this were the 70’s, we would all have afros. Actually, that would be really funny. So, in conclusion, the answer is no, the carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but it would be funny if this were the 70’s and we all had afros. Haha, and oh my god, “disco balls” would play and active role in my sexual vocabulary.

 

3. Is it sweet or perverted that my husband signs his notes and cards to me: “Your Love Muscle”….

WELL, if nothing else, he’s a sneaky wordsmith because we don’t know if he’s referring to his heart or his penis. Very clever indeed, good sir. Is he a husband in love or a husband in lust? We’ll never know for certain, but I’m going to say it’s probably both and that he’s a sweet pervert, just to keep you on your toes.

 

4. My boyfriend doesn’t want to get busy as much as I do. He thinks a dozen or so times a week is fine, but that’s barely enough to get my motor running. What’s the best way to get him to perform his boyfriendly duties to my satisfaction?

I recently faced this same issue. My suggestion is that you dress up as things that guys like–perhaps a food item like chips, for example. Guys love chips. I personally chose to take a bath in whiskey and dress up as football running back Marshawn Lynch and this nearly tripled my weekly sexy time encounters. I yelled, “touchdown!” at the good part, too. He liked that.

 

5. How do I get my boyfriend to propose to me? We’ve talked about it and he says he has a plan, but it hasn’t happened yet!

There are a few simple things you can do that will get him on his knee in no time:

1. Do nice things to his manly bits. Tune his horn…if you know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.

2. Fine. Blowjays. There. I said it.

3. Be passive aggressive about the fact that he’s taking his sweet ass time. Men love that.

 

6. How should I ask my girlfriend to marry me?

It’s hard to think of something original, I know. I think you should surprise her by bursting through the bathroom door while she’s sitting on the toilet and just hand it to her. What a delightful surprise! She will never expect it! (The lady in question 5 can go ahead and roll her eyes because question 6 has nothing to do with her…of course).

 

I hope I was able to offer helpful advice today. I will be back next week to answer more of your questions! In the mean time, please feel free to ask me anything in the comments below!

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Tips for Ladies

28 Feb

Sometimes I like to share tips with the ladies. Today, I would like to touch base with you on some things that make me a very attractive woman. Perhaps you will benefit if you try these things too…whether you are single, trying to keep the passion alive in your current relationship or just trying to feel really good about yourself.

1. Like cool music. Today I was late for work today because I was listening to Phil Collins. I was late yesterday because I was listening to Toto. On Sunday night, I was listening to Tom Jones. Also, I once drove 4 hours to see Asia in concert.
 
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2. Wear something sexy to bed every night. I wear this to bed and boys probably love it:
 
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3. Wear pretty jewelry that accents your arm hair. I caught my arm hair in my bracelet this morning and now there is a big red mark. Perfect! When I get home this evening there are bound to be some boys in my yard, if not all of them.

4. Have classy dinners. Here is mine from last night. It’s pizza and wine in a bag that I drank from the spigot:
 
pizza
 
5. Leave a ring of ankle hair and just a tiny bit of toe hair on one foot. If you have a significant other, he will not only stay for breakfast, but also second breakfast and even elevenses.

6. Wear an intoxicating scent. Right now I have on “menthol” from the Biofreeze pain relief line. Men will ask, “what is that putrid stench?” and you will smile with confidence, knowing that it is you.

7. Drink coffee from a designer mug. This is my mug:
 

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I know.


 
8. Do a dance when you are nervous. I do the robot.

9. Have an intense, boisterous guffaw as your laugh. You’ve heard mine in my videos. Guys seem to really like it a lot.

10. Always carry an extra thong in your bag just in case there’s a chance of you getting sexy with someone tonight…or in case you pee a little while laughing.

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Positively Charged Perversion

8 Jan

I went to a strict all-girls Catholic school. It was junior year. I was late for Chemistry because my swimming class ran ten minutes behind.

I rehearsed my apology as I ran down the hall in my wet, blue dress and squishy saddle shoes. The instructor, Sister J, was a very sarcastic nun who often licked her lips and rested her large bosom on her lab bench. She did not tolerate tardiness.

I ran in the room. “I am so…so…sorry,” I began.

Sister J: We were waiting on you. Put in this video.

Me: Oh okay, I am so sorry, swimming ran late.

I put in the video, turned off the lights and sat down to catch my breath. Then, the following magic took place:

 

 

I snickered. My lab partner laughed and we heard a chuckle behind us. Suddenly, girly giggles broke out throughout the classroom and I just could not hold it in anymore and began crying from laughter. Crying.

When the video ended, I flicked on the lights.

Sister J looked at us and shook her head. “Ladies, you should all know better, and Miss M [that would be me], you are a pervert!”

I was shocked! A pervert! Why was I the only pervert!?

Then I remembered the day there was a naked guy seen walking in the woods next to school and I hauled my sweet ass to the window to check him out (for the record, I had never seen a real naked guy…as it turned out I wasn’t missing much).

I am reminded of this story because this morning my coworker looked out the window and shouted, “A NAKED GUY!” and once again I hauled my sweet ass over to the window like a puppy excited to see the mailman.

Eleven years later at 28 years old, the video still makes me laugh and apparently, I am still a pervert. Somewhere Sister J is shaking her head disapprovingly.

Whatevs, Sister J, I just love to laugh. Laughter, love and naked guys are pretty much what make this world go ’round, anyway.

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She’s An Animal

17 Dec

Hunted

Your predatory plans are flawed,
my insatiable omnivore.

“Surrender–
I want the dirty girl hiding behind that sweet face,”
you say, salivating.

Cornered. Unsuspecting. Prey.

You think you will
take me down and
and devour me alive.

I think you forget
this is not my first time being hunted.

 

Alligator

Powerful and poised,
primal energy patiently
waits in the shallows.

Her time is coming.

Precision in motion, timing personified,
she has chosen wisely
and remains hidden
until her moment to shine.

Her subtle confidence
communicates strength and exudes knowing.

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Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.

Requirements

  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….

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Lament for My Squeaky Bra

10 Sep

 

Sing to me, O Muse, the cause of
a squeaky bra on the day I
presented my pimped-out PowerPoint
of which I was once so proud.

Not pearls, heels nor shaky laser pen
could take the attention from
these blushing cheeks
as each step bore the betrayal of creak

and squeak.

O, bra most exquisite!
What awkwardness thou hast provided
whilst supporting my superior bosom.

Continue not this costly crime against me,
for our intimate time
together has been not long

and I do not know if you can be fixed with WD-40.

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Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:

 

 

Gentlemen,

Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.

Love,

Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

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Young Marlon Brando

4 Sep

 

I was making my way into work this morning when a guy who looks like young Marlon Brando grabbed my arm:

Young Marlon Brando: Hi…

Me (pulling arm back): Hi?

Young Marlon Brando: Sorry, this is weird, but do you want to meet me for a drink after work?

Me: Does anyone ever tell you that you look like young Marlon Brando?

Young Marlon Brando: HEY STELLA!!

Me: Hahaha, that’s a yes. I’m Lauren. Do you work on campus?

Young Marlon Brando: No, I’m here on business. Will you meet me?

Me: How about Camden Pub at 5:15?

Young Marlon Brando: Looking forward to it.

 
And then he kissed my hand and walked away. Smooth. I didn’t get his name. Those eyes. Smooth indeed.

My, young Marlon Brando, what sexy lips you have….is it getting hot in here? No? I guess I did have a lot of coffee, which would explain why I’m so nervous and jittery. Just breathe, Lauren, you don’t even know that guy’s name. I need to keep it together. KEEP IT TOGETHER. I need to keep my legs together. Oh god, I should have worn panties today.

 

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