Lauren’s Less Boring Lesson

12 Oct

This week I learned that I, just like you, should be my own creative self. Lauren + La La = me, and I’m down with that. Thanks for playing along! Oh, and I found out just how much you people love couscous and graveyards (weirdos).

I also learned a lot about delivery and word choice. Here’s an stretch of an example from this morning that has nothing to do with blogging:

I was on the phone with my gentleman friend and we were discussing how I have nothing boring to say in today’s post. I didn’t have anything exciting to say either. When we hung up, I got out of my car and began my trek into work from the parking garage where they finally gave me a space last year (it only took three years).

Having a spot is a huge upgrade from when I to had to park in a west Baltimore neighborhood. I wore my running shoes every day and ran because it isn’t exactly the nicest neighborhood in town. A friend of mine was robbed by a bunch of girls when he parked there.

Anyway, I was walking in this morning and there was a man in the alley between the parking garage and my building. I have seen him creepily lurking around before.

As I walked by I heard him say, “Girl, you look like you got money.”

“Joke’s on him,” I thought, “I’m broke.”

And then he began following me, so I walked faster.

“WAIT! Come here!” he yelled at me. I walked even faster.

He kept following. I got out my mace just in case (and despite being frightened, I was a poet and didn’t know it). He followed me up to the front door of the building and he said,

“I meant to say you look like a million dollars and that ass is a dime-piece.”

“Oh. Thank you!” I replied, and joyfully bounded into the building.

_________________

Just like that, the atmosphere changed from “rob and rape” to “early morning compliment of a gal’s dime-piece.” Perhaps we should keep our own delivery and word choice in mind when we post and give feedback. It sounds obvious, but it’s worth considering. Also, don’t follow anyone down an alley. That’s just dumb. You can follow my blog, though, that’s fine.

I will be out this coming week for business. I will try to comment when I can. Fun things are happening soon. See you next Monday!

 

 

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Post #3 by Another Single, Boring White Girl Named Lauren

11 Oct

Readers enjoying my boring posts may be deterred when learning that on Skype last night I played a wild and crazy game of Go Fish with my gentleman friend’s seven-year old daughter. She won. Twice.

Then he and I ate couscous together and I had a glass of wine. On a Wednesday. I know, I need to take it down a notch.

He just sent me a text saying he is starving. I am pretty hungry, too.

Anyway, back to last night. After we spoke, I tried to take a good picture of my dog and I to send out in Christmas cards. I didn’t really get the result I wanted:

 

Yuletide Greetings

 

We will try again this weekend.

Say, I just noticed that today I am not wearing socks. Dear me, perhaps I should have placed a “viewer discretion is advised” before that tidbit. I hope you aren’t cross. Please don’t be worried or frightened if your mind continues to be blown until dusk.

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Post #2 by Another Single, Boring White Girl Named Lauren

10 Oct

This was once the view from my workplace:

London

 

This is now the view from my workplace:

Graveyard

 

Coming back to Baltimore was a sensible choice and editing science could be rewarding. Someday. Today I am editing a grant about the capacity for Env to differentiate naïve CD4 T cells into the T follicular helper phenotype. I must be sort of tired or something because my eyes keep crossing.

I work with an international group of people like I did in London, although I suppose now it’s just mostly old Chinese men and one old Russian guy.

Oh…and I guess there’s this one guy from Wisconsin named Glen who stares at me in the elevator. He has a bowl cut.

They may not give me credit for the things I do here, but it’s only a 12 minute drive from my house. Sometimes 14 minutes. Speaking of, I’m looking forward to getting home tonight because I’m having couscous again for dinner. Neat.

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Post by Another Single, Boring White Girl Named Lauren

9 Oct

Looks like a rat has made a nest on my front porch. It’s pretty much the size of a Chihuahua. I saw it eating a bagel. My diet only allows those 100 calorie bagel thins. Must be nice.

Anyway, I guess the rat is here to stay. I’ve swept its poop off the stoop on Saturdays and Wednesdays for at least a month now.

Lunch time. I brought yogurt. Got to make sure my body looks like skin and bones for next summer in case I get to go to the beach or something.

 
– Lauren

PS – Oh my gosh, I almost forgot tomorrow is trash day. That was a close call.

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La La Versus Lauren

8 Oct

I have written as La La for over a year. It’s fun. Not including those close to me, approximately 600 of you followed this blog for some reason or another (a kiss on each of your cheeks).

Recently, I was told to be more sensible and change the content of this blog. I would like to remind anyone with concerns, that 600+ readers aren’t here to read about another boring, single, twentysomething white girl named Lauren who can’t afford cable and hates her dull job.

La La is a silly, flirty, smart, observant, independent young woman who jokes around with everyone and happens to have bright rays of love and hopefulness flying out of her somewhat clumsy butt. People from all over the world have fallen for her (even a couple of ladies) and I have received many kind emails with flattering feedback.

Maybe I am La La, or perhaps I am nothing like her. Maybe I am both people. It’s even possible that I was once one person and now I am the other. Regardless, which girl would you prefer to read about?:

1. On Saturday night, Lauren ate a veggie dog on a whole wheat bun and fell asleep on the couch around 10 pm.

OR

2. On Saturday night, La La went out with her friends, took five shots of tequila and woke up on the kitchen floor with some guy’s number written in lipstick on her arm. She vaguely remembers his gorgeous smile. Should she call him?

Who grabs you? Does it matter which scenario is a true story?

If you believe I should change La La, then you’re missing the humor and hope of this blog. Normally I would say viva la La La (or something) and write whatever I want,

but instead I will send La La on vacation through Friday and give you a “thrilling” peek at some of Lauren’s trials and tribulations.

Enjoy.

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Charm City Heroine Versus Junkie

3 Oct

Every now and then, a charm city chick might find herself crouched on the floor behind her bed, waiting for the police to arrive. It’s in that moment she realizes the only person she really has is herself, so she better get her dull knife ready in case she has to stab a bitch.

She focuses on her breath as she hears the intruder’s footsteps get louder. For some reason she is steady and unafraid. She smiles and wonders if maybe Baltimore should be considered a training course for the zombie apocalypse (our silly heroine has a habit of making jokes to herself during serious moments).

When the police turn up, she discovers it was just the neighbor’s junkie son trying to break into the wrong house. No big deal, he’s cool most of the time.

Or is it a big deal?

This was her fifth call to the police in four years. Most people don’t call the police that much, but she often finds herself observing or being a part of very odd situations involving very odd people–usually in the John Waters sense. Despite all the laughs she gets from these characters, she doesn’t always enjoy living in Baltimore, especially when she’s in danger or things get out of hand.

Why does she stay? Well, it’s interesting how family ties might keep a heroine in a place she doesn’t want to live.

Little does she know (okay, she knows) that soon she will be invited by the story’s hero to try somewhere and something completely new. He has a few things to take care of first (you know, hero stuff). When he finally asks her to come with him, it is advised that he arrive on a magic carpet and be prepared for a duet.

Just saying.

 

 

Will she then accept his offer? I wouldn’t know. Until we find out, someone should probably buy that girl a better knife…and a large suitcase.

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1 Oct

Chris is giving me exactly what I want for my birthday! Hope you all can make it!

What I Learned at 27

30 Sep

My weekend was relatively lame and I’m sorry to report that I have no stories about me falling down or kissing all the wrong men. So, here’s another list. Yaaaaaay.

Tomorrow I turn 28. Here are 27 things I learned this year:

 

1. Drinking alone isn’t so awful.

2. Toe hair is no joke.

3. Hula hooping is fun.

4. Everyone is going to die, so don’t take your loved ones for granted.

5. I need to follow my heart, no matter how stupid it makes me look.

6. If someone doesn’t treat me well, fuck them (“middle finger” sense, not “penis inside me” sense).

7. Not that I’m complaining, but most men on the internet are fucking freaks (okay, yes, I’m complaining).

8. Being alone isn’t half as scary as I thought.

9. Birthday sex is so overrated…probably. (Work with me here, I’m trying to make myself feel better.)

10. If I leave my car unlocked, a prostitute will have sex in it.

11. I can’t get high and listen to Nights in White Satin because it makes me feel like I am in a movie.

12. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

13. Despite what I was hoping, the majority of men really do think with their dicks.

14. Everyone gives advice about love and it’s all different. I appreciate the help, but I can’t always listen–I need to live my life!

15. One can lose a lot of weight by dancing every day.

16. Doing the robot on Skype is hilarious to the right naked man, and all the other naked men will not find it funny.

17. I’m romantic and that’s okay.

18. Laughing is SO MUCH FUN.

19. It is possible to live without cable.

20. The past is past and what happened, happened.

21. Living in love isn’t easy at first, but it changes thinking patterns and IS fabulous.

22. Never stop being grateful.

23. Love should feel good.

24. Tequila and grapefruit juice are delicious together.

25. Being married to me will be fun and super sexy (I hang out with me, I would know).

26. It’s okay to be a funny girl.

27. I still have no idea what I’m doing!

 

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Modern Faerie Tale

27 Sep

Recently I overheard two women being bratty about the gifts they receive from their husbands. It reminded me of a certain birthday gift I received for my 25th birthday.

I dated a guy who knew me like a book. For two years he drove me to work every day, we talked all day at work and we spent all of our evenings together. We brushed our teeth together, watched TV together and even showered together.  He knew my habits and routines. He even knew my specific, classy taste in jewelry.

When he asked me what I wanted for my 25th birthday I said, “Surprise me.” So, this is what I got:  

 

1. Yes, what you are seeing is a necklace with a locket that says, “I believe in Faeries.” 

2. Yes, that is a small vial of “Faerie dust.” 

3. Yes, that is the nerdy/archaic “ae” spelling. 

4. No, I do not believe in “faeries,” nor have I ever expressed even a mild interest in such mythical beings.

_____
How would you react in this situation? I laughed because I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, and he spent the rest of the day moping around the house because I laughed.

I think we both learned important lessons that day and I invite you to take this knowledge with you when you go–

Women: Quit your bitching. If a man asks you what you want, tell him or narrow it down because guess what? It doesn’t matter how well he knows you, he may get you a goddamn fairy necklace.

Men: Unless your lady absolutely fucking adores fairies, there isn’t a single circumstance that warrants purchasing a fairy necklace. If she isn’t bleeding fairy dust, don’t get that necklace! Do you understand me? Don’t you fucking do it!

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Thank You Dad, Mom, Alison and Rod Stewart

26 Sep

 

As you are aware, my 28th birthday is Monday.  I’ve been thinking about life and all the people I should thank for helping to shape me as a human being. As it turns out, there are only about four people to thank, so why not do so in a post.

 

1 and 2. Patricia and Dennis. They made a mistake in their late 30s and I was the result. You’re welcome, world.

 

 

3. Alison. The friend I’ve had since I was 11 who never judges anything I do, and I don’t judge anything she does. When we were kids, while all the other 11 year old girls were doing normal things, Alison and I were in the back of my mom’s blue station wagon shouting the lyrics to Rod Stewart songs while eating chicken nuggets and not giving even a single fuck. It was weird. We’re still pretty weird.

 

 

4. Rod Stewart. He taught me that young hearts gotta run free, be free, live free and that time is on, time is on my side. He also taught me that I have a thing for older men. You’re welcome, older men.

 

 

I am going to shout the song below in the car on the way home from work today. I bestow upon thine ears, the gift of Rod Stewart (and please check out the drummer):

 

 

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