Tag Archives: humor

my medieval valentine: part 2.

15 Feb

Well, the good news is that I didn’t have to go to Medieval Times on Valentine’s Day. However, at 5:30 yesterday I received a text saying, “I picked up the tickets!” along with this picture:

So I put on a slutty medieval barmaid bodice costume that I have (that’s a whole other story), per the cleavage advice of Carrie Rubin, and sent a picture message saying, “Oh good, because I’m ready to go!” He then caved immediately and told me I needed to change because “medieval minx” would likely be frowned upon at a nice restaurant. Hooray! We weren’t actually going to Medieval Times! This wasn’t a competition or anything, but I’m pretty sure I won.

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my medieval valentine.

14 Feb

Ladies, I have some advice. The day before Valentine’s Day is not a good day to argue with the guy who has, for some crazy reason, chosen you as his Valentine. Why? Because I made fun of my Valentine during a heated argument and now he is threatening to take me to Medieval Times:

Really, Medieval Times, a $200 value?

Good god, is the person in the middle photo proposing?! I would be mortified. I could have just said sorry, but I’m stubborn and instead I yelled, “FINE, SOUNDS FUN, CAN’T WAIT!”

As I stomped out of the room he calmly said, “Okay, then I’ll reserve those tickets.”

So, of course now I am worried we are going to Medieval Times. Well, he would be the one going. I am not “too cool” for a lot of really, really dorky things, but this?  It will be a damn cold day in hell when I go to Medieval Times on Valentine’s Day.

I’ll let you know what happens.

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Dear Men:

30 Jan

Allow me to get straight to the point. A number of women are sharing with me stories about receiving unsolicited penis pictures from a significant other or stranger. I would like to offer some advice and information on this subject.

See, guys, here’s the thing–if we don’t request a photo of it, then we don’t want to see a picture of your penis. Why? Because it’s gross. Your penis doesn’t photograph well, trust me–not even when you choose to go with a full body shot. Personally, I would prefer a photo of you clothed and smiling instead of that creepy gaze you’re giving yourself in the mirror as your pants sit awkwardly at your ankles. You look like a sex offender. You look like you’re raping yourself with your own eyes. Stop and ask yourself, “Am I trying to create/maintain chemistry with the recipient or am I trying to frighten her?”

Now, if you believe you are an exception, which you are not, and that it would be a true injustice not to send a photo of your junk, please consider the following:

1. Not sending the photo. A preferred shot would incorporate your smile and a cute pet or hobby. We find that stuff sexy.

2. Send a warning. No one likes a surprise penis.

3. If you send a picture of your penis, the reaction always will be “Ewwww!!!” followed by boisterous laughter.

4. By the next day, at least 1-5 of that gal’s friends will have seen your penis and the reaction will always be laughter at your expense.

5. Manscape. This isn’t the 70s.

6. Don’t send a picture of your flaccid penis. That’s creepier than a hard one.

7. If you’re sending the photo with intentions of sleeping with someone you’ve never met, you’re a complete  idiot.

Gentlemen, please note that none of this means we dislike your dongs, we just prefer them under the appropriately inappropriate conditions. I hope you will keep all of this in mind before your next photo shoot.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lauren M.

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25 Things

25 Jan

Per request, here are 25 unique things you may not know about me:

1. It took me 312 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

2. I can list all the presidents.

3. I need to go on trips to far away places in order to stay sane.

4. There are life-size cardboard hobbits in my basement that I can’t bear to throw away.

5. I’ve always thought I would make a great detective because I’m good at research and looking below the surface to find information without getting caught. My friends suggest that maybe I’m just extremely nosey.

6. I have kissed a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Interestingly, not one of them believed in god.

7. When I’m bored at work I memorize the Periodic Table of Human Cytokines & Chemokines that hangs next to me.

8. I once had an intense fight with my ex boyfriend that resulted in me farting on his cat. It lightened the mood (I never said I was classy).

9.  My favorite food is boneless buffalo wings.

10. I scream the entire time I’m riding a jet ski.

11. I just started taking keyboard lessons.

12. One of my favorite childhood memories is of my family in the car on our way to Ocean City and my dad and brother are singing/screaming Whitney Houston’s I’ll Always Love You at the top of their lungs.

13.  I can sing every word from every song in Mary Poppins and The Little Mermaid.

14. One time, on my way into work, I saw a man on the side of the road yelling, “Peanuts, get your peeeeaaanuts here” but he wasn’t holding anything.

15. Every morning, my iGoogle page greets me with a picture of the daily puppy and a place to see. The daily puppy today is a Bernese Mountain Dog and the place to see is Bora Bora, French Polynesia.

16. I pretend not to be competitive. I don’t like when that side of me comes out because that gal is a vicious poor sport.

17. I love watching grown-ass men eat ice cream cones.

18. I went to Catholic school for 15 years.

19. I like driving at night because people are less likely to see me singing.

20. I was in a meatball-eating contest. I ate 7 meatballs and felt so sick that I didn’t eat them again for an entire year.

21. I love laughing so hard that I cry and grasp for breath.

22. If given the chance, I would move back to London in a heartbeat.

23. I love the way guys tell stories with sound effects just like they did when they were kids.

24. I hate crafts and craft fairs. I don’t want to make a wreath. I have no patience for glue, sequins, beads, thread, popsicle sticks, paints, embossing etc…

25. Disney movies really did give me unrealistic expectations about hair (among other things).

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A poll.

11 Jan

 

If you choose “other” please leave suggestions!

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an important conversation

11 Jan

This morning my mother called with “an important question”:

Me: Hello?

Mom: Can you talk?

Me: Well, I’m at work.

Mom: It’s important. I found something weird in your old closet.

Me: Okay……what is it?

Mom: It’s a trucker hat and it says, “Wine ’em, dine ’em, sixty-nine ’em.”

Me: Oh, I remember that! I got it for my 16th birthday.

Mom: So what’s sixty-nine?

Me: Haha, oh my god, what? Look it up. The hat was in a movie and it was just a joke gift.

Mom: What does it mean?

Me: Mom, please! Just look it up on the internet!

Mom (flustered, tapping keys):  Fine. Why do you get embarrassed so easily?

Mom: …………..

Me: Hello? Did you find it?

Mom: Oh. Why do you know what that is?!  WHY do you have CLOTHES that SUPPORT it?

Me: I know, it’s so gross. I learned about it on the internet, too. Welp, gotta go.

2 hours later I received the following email:

Lars,

I threw away that hat. You don’t need to wear that to be sexy-cool or to get a guy to like you. Be yourself, Young Lady! You’re beautiful and if it isn’t someone you already know, then you will meet a great guy who respects you and thinks you’re cool and he will love you just as you are!  It’s true and you deserve it!  Know yourself, stay positive and be clear about your intentions and the right situations will come into your life. LOVE YOU.

Mom

_________________

You might say my mom and I are on different levels. We always have been. I’ve never worn that hat and I don’t know where she got the idea that I was wearing it to be “sexy-cool” (or where she got the term “sexy-cool,” for that matter). Despite all things crazy about that email, she did make a good point: be yourself. Positive things and good people come to those who accept, love, and respect themselves. Like attracts like. I dig that. Thanks, mom.

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Happy New Year!

2 Jan

My NYE was definitely less eventful than last year (I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend about a cab, walked barefoot in the freezing cold to a hotel, got us a room and then tried to leave wearing nothing but a coat).

This year, when I got home from the bar I realized that my dog Porter’s whine sounds EXACTLY  like Tim Allen. Prior to passing out, I felt inspired and wrote a haiku:

New Year’s Eve

 I’m crunk. Fireworks–

Porter hears and whines like Tim

The Tool-Man Taylor.

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like, I’m not even joking right now

13 Dec

 

Besides the computer stuff (computers and I get along swimmingly), I say all these things and every girl I know does too. I read a blog earlier and the title was “S&%! Girls Say” Video: I Want To Be Offended, but It’s Hilarious.” Why would you be offended? We all actually say those things, and I will continue to say those things until we all start saying other things.

The author of that post said she thought that having the star as a guy in drag was unnecessary and that it rubbed her the wrong way. What? Of course he needed to be in drag. Clearly, the author has never seen anything funny that has ever existed.

I can’t wait for more.

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Drunk Girl Thoughts – Part 2

7 Dec

Sometimes I get drunk and write down my thoughts and conversations. Here are a few.

1. A conversation:

Me: I am going to start a kissing booth. I am going to charge $5 for a kiss on the cheek, $15 for lips ($14 for the gals, $20 if you’re over 48), $28 for a french kiss (no one over 48) and $120 if you’re trying to go on a date (over 48 is acceptable in this instance).

Matty: Wouldn’t that make you a prostitute?

Me: What!!

Matty: Can I be your pimp?

Me: Fine.

2. I want to get a Schnauzer puppy and name him Doogie Schnauzer, M.D.

3. My friend asked me what to do when her new boyfriend is in the room while she’s trying to put on tights. I told her to own it and just put on the tights. If you get all flustered, fall over, and do that jumpy dance thing and he comes back, he’s yours. If he bolts, then it was never meant to be.

4. The same (number 3) applies to farts.

5. I have no idea what that movie, “Winter’s Bone” is about, but I have every intention of rewriting it as a porno.

6. Speaking of porn, I want to write and direct a masterpiece called “Pornakopita.” It will be set in ancient Greece and be much like The Odyssey. Maybe I could follow the oral tradition and just tell the story to a room of people. I know you will be disappointed, but no, it will not be in dactylic hexameter. I just don’t have that kind of time.

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the crazy cloud.

28 Nov

On Sundays I work with all women. It is a supportive, difficult,  inspiring, hilarious and absolutely exhausting environment. Why exhausting? Well, while a lot of the time we are having fun, there’s usually a part of the day when we are all thinking way too much and getting worked up about things that probably don’t matter. 9 times out of 10, we end up talking about the things that we think that men are thinking, but we never actually know. And yes, we are all a little crazy and then we feed off the crazy of our friends. It happens. I call that “place” that we all seem to go the “crazy cloud.”

I’d like to give you an example of a Sunday on the crazy cloud, all in good humor (names and subject matter have been changed):

Sunday begins–

Hope: Last night we went to *name a place* and had so much fun, but my man said *name something stupid* and I called him a dick and now it’s the end of the world because he isn’t talking to me and I don’t know what to do so I am going to overreact.

Susie: My boyfriend did that once and I didn’t talk to him for 3 weeks and he came around.

Kelly: My ex husband did something like that once. Relationships are hopeless.

Hope: I give up, I am going to find someone who deserves my time. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to be a lesbian.

Susie: You could get anyone. So yeah, fuck him! You deserve better!

Nikki: My husband did that before we got married so I kissed someone else in front of him. I don’t recommend that. It worked, but don’t do it.

**2 hours pass and they meet up again**

Hope: You know, I dig the guy and I think I am just going to say sorry because he hasn’t said anything yet and he’s obviously mad at me.

Susie:  He probably just meant *this* and instead it came out like *this* and now he feels stupid.

Kelly: Men don’t know anything about anything and he was only thinking of himself. The other day this guy and I got into a food fight over something like that. Don’t expect anything better than him because men are all the same.

**hours pass, they meet up again after marinating in the fact that men are terrible**

Hope, Susie, Kelly and Nikki basically just all talking at the same time: I was just thinking, and I think that most guys think *name something we think that men think, but we aren’t sure if they are actually thinking at all*

Hope: Oh, wait, he just sent me a text. He had fun last night and he got to sleep for a couple extra hours this morning.

Susie: See? There ya go. Just let him come to you.

Hope: Thanks, Susie, for talking me down from my crazy cloud.

–Sunday ends

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