Archive | July, 2012

My Classy Friend

30 Jul

I have a classy, single friend who lives alone (it isn’t me) who got drunk on Saturday afternoon at the Liverpool FC vs. Tottenham Hotspur match, went home and took a booze nap in the middle of the afternoon and then woke up with a sunburn and remained buzzed for the rest of the evening. In the middle of the night, she sent an email to a few of her friends that said this:

“I’m laying in bed wide awake. I know I didn’t put that booger on the wall because I don’t pick my nose, but I live alone. Now I’m worried that I pick my nose in my sleep, which makes ‘waking self up with fart’ seem sophisticated (which is why I’m awake right now, by the way).”

Like I said, she’s a classy girl. She can’t control what happens in her sleep, so stop judging her about it. That same friend is at work right now and it’s extremely hot in her office and she’s tired and that sunburn from Saturday is killing her body. I hope she can get in a nap before her date tonight with a guy who has a Napoleon complex and I hope she can find her halter dress so she doesn’t have to wear a bra (even though her mom said you shouldn’t wear a halter dress on a first date with an Italian boy because he might think you’re a “strumpet”). Whatever, mom, you’re the strumpet and I hate you for setting me up with a short Italian. That’s what I told her to say to her mom.

 

 

 

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Boys Mostly

27 Jul

I found my diary from when I was 12-17 years old. I have to say that I enjoyed reading every embarrassing (sometimes heartbreaking) moment. I also enjoyed my young teen angst poetry (yikes).

My favorite part of the diary was at the beginning, when I had a wicked crush on Jeff Goldblum (click to enlarge photos).

A few days after that second entry, I wrote Jeff Goldblum a letter because he didn’t respond to my email. My mom always said, “He’s too old for you!” so I had to hide the fact that I was sending a letter. The day I sent it, I called the post office to ask how many stamps a letter needed to get to California and I was very nervous my dad was going to notice one of his stamps missing, so I said a prayer. When I “went outside to ride my bike” that morning, I sprinted to the mailbox and triumphantly put up the flag. I was so excited and nervous about what Jeff Goldblum’s response would be. I am not positive as to the exact wording of what went out in the final letter, but I know it was something like this pervy draft I found:

____________________
6/8/97

Dear Mr. Goldblum,

My name is Lauren and I am 12 years old (13 on October 1st)! I like all your movies and watched Jurassic Park again today, actually. I have seen it 15 times.

I thought you were funny on Saturday Night Live, my favorite was your skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher when she is a Catholic schoolgirl and you are her teacher and you dance together to “Last Dance.” Just like Mary Katherine Gallagher, I wear a Catholic school uniform at school and I would like you to be my teacher and dance with me like that, too. I would lick you head to toe like she did because I think you are a very attractive man! It was funny in the skit. I hope that was not too forward of me to say.

I know I am only 12 and you are 44, but I promise I am mature for my age.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you. My address is on the second page.

Love,

Lauren
____________________

 

I remember putting my school photo in the envelope and truly believing that he was going to adore me. Needless to say, Jeff Goldblum never wrote me back.

A penguin walks into the bar…

23 Jul

Hi folks. I just wanted to say thank you to the 600 people who now follow this blog (for some reason). I am grateful for your support, witty comments and all the laughs we have shared together. I want everyone to smile. Now, since penguins are my favorite animal and the bar is my favorite place to go….

 

 

Best Questions Men Have Asked Me (Since I Started This Ridiculous Blog)

23 Jul

I have received some very important, thought-provoking questions from my male readers. I found the following questions to be the most captivating and thought it would be a disservice to you all not to share them. Enjoy.

 

1. Q: Do you have standards when choosing a man to sleep with?

A: Really? What an odd question. Wow. Yes. I absolutely have standards.

 

2. Q: If we fly you to the south of France, will you have sex with my wife and I on our anniversary? It would be in 2013.

A: Love is a beautiful thing, no? So sorry though, I’m pretty busy that year.

 

3. Q: Did you really find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

A: Yes, and they sent me a certificate. I was 10 years old. Are you still turned on?

 

4. Q: Do you want to have a threesome with my wife and I? I’m not going to fly you to Florida, but I can take you to Disney World.

A: OH BOY, DISNEY WORLD! I need to find my autograph book!

 

5. Q: Would you be freaked out if I came to Baltimore to look for you without telling you I was coming?

A: Yes… and just so you know, I have mace and I bite.

 

6. Q: I read your interview on Crazy Chicks Club. Regarding the question, “what would you do if you were a man for a day,” do you really think all men don’t make their beds, fart a lot, walk around without shirts and impregnate every girl they know?

A: That’s just what I would do if I were a man for a day. “I have a penis,” I’d say, “I’ll do as I please” and then I’d saunter around and flex my muscles. Oh, and I’d call everyone “brah” and wear my sunglasses like I own the joint. It would be great.

 

7. Q: Do you have any Greek in you?

A: No.

Q: Do you want some?

A: No.

 

8. Q: Will you send me a picture of your ass? I’m an ass man.

A: The set up for that seems kind of ridiculous, don’t you think? I don’t have a timer on my camera and I refuse to google “How to take a picture of my own ass.” It all seems a bit time-consuming. Just saying.

Reply: It only takes a couple of minutes. See? Here’s mine: (he sent a picture of his ass).

 

9. Q: Did you really show your boobs to get ice cream at an ice cream truck?

A: Listen, guy. It was hot outside, I really wanted a Nutty Buddy and I didn’t have cash. There’s nothing further to discuss here.

 

I have yet to receive a #10 worthy of the spot. I will let you know when that guy steps up to the plate and we can all bask in the glory of him together.

Falcon’s Concealed Weapon

17 Jul

I will have a funny story for you on Thursday about a penis. Until then, I bring news about a man who was frisked at the airport when a security guard “felt threatened” by a noticeable package in Jonah’s pants. It turns out that it was just Jonah’s 9-inch penis, which is 13.5 inches when erect, and on record as the world’s largest ween.

 

Of all the penes in the world, mine is the largest. Shh, don’t be frightened.

 

I imagine that having a peen longer than a wine bottle (and almost as thick) is a curse, no? Men, is that something you would actually want? I imagine it would get in the way and be a pain in the ass–pun absolutely intended.

You couldn’t pay me to do it with that guy. Well, maybe you could, it depends how much. Just kidding. Kind of. Why am I even thinking about this? It’s 10:15 in the morning and I need to get back to work. This is all I am going to think about today. Thanks, Jonah.

Color Me Creeped Out

12 Jul

 

I was just 7 years old when the song “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd came out in 1991 and I am wondering, did anyone think it was sexy? Men, did you play this song whilst laying a woman down by a fire? Ladies, did you hope any members of this group would sex you up?

Good lord, just look at those guys. Hey, George Michael, I didn’t know you were in Color Me Badd. And look at that one guy’s mustache–if that man said he wanted to sex me up, I would spray that ‘stache with mace and run away. Also, unless you’re going to be giving me Ambien, I don’t think it’s possible for us to “do it ’til we both wake up.” What an absurd thing to say.

I’m also wondering if anyone thought “Do Me!” by Bell Biv DeVoe was hot? Sometimes this song comes on SiriusXM 90s on 9 while I am driving to work and if I don’t turn the channel fast enough, it makes me feel like my ears are being sexually harassed.

 

 

No, I do not want to do you in the morning or in the night, but thank you for the offer, Bell Biv DeVoe. Oh, and no, you definitely can not smack it up, flip it or rub it down.

The last question I have for everyone older than me–have you ever actually been laid down by a fire? Have you ever laid someone down by a fire? I am just curious. I want to be laid down by a fire, but part of me thinks it would get uncomfortably hot in the room. That’s what happens in my imagination, anyway, and then we have to switch rooms and it’s like ugggh we should have just done it in this room anyway and then afterward, someone has to go make sure the fire went out and it’s kind of annoying to get up (because I know it would have to be me) and then I go to sleep kind of annoyed that I “have to do everything around here.”

Drugstore Exchange

10 Jul

A 15-year-old girl bought condoms at the drugstore at 9:30 pm last night. She smiled as she walked out the door. Behind her in line was a kind of hot police officer and behind the kind of hot officer was yours truly.

 

Kind of hot police officer to saleswoman: Looks like she’s going to have a good time tonight.

Saleswoman: What?

Kind of hot police officer: I can’t believe you just sold condoms to that little girl.

Saleswoman: I can’t turn her down. She’s a teenager, at least she’s being safe.

Me: Teen pregnancy rates are really high around here, I say good for her.

Kind of hot police officer: I would have been embarrassed buying condoms at that age.

Me: Sounds like someone was a wuss when he was a teenager.

Kind of hot police officer (giving me the evil eye): What does she know about ribbed condoms?

Me: Enough to be buying them, unless it was a fortunate accident and tonight she will find out the benefits of ribbed condoms.

Girl behind me in line: What?

Kind of hot police officer: She shouldn’t be allowed to buy condoms. I would have said no if she tried to buy them from me.

Me: What? First of all, there is no age restriction on condom sales and secondly, that girl is being safe. In fact, I’m going run after her and applaud her. I’m going to give her a high five for having safe sex!

Kind of hot police officer: What if she were your daughter?

Me: If she were my daughter and I found out after the fact, I would simply ask if she used protection, if she’s okay and if she has any questions.

Kind of hot police officer: Whatever ladies, have a good night.

Saleswoman: Honey, you sassed that officer.

Me: I know, I got kind of fired up.

Saleswoman: Well hey, please don’t run after that girl and clap, she might get scared.

Me: She’s awesome, but I woooon’t, I won’t.

__________________
Also, I saw a couple of Sesame Street updates today. Here’s my share–it’s “The Count Censored.”

Weirdest Day of My Life

7 Jul

When the bombs went off on July 7th, 2005, I was 20 years old and working at the London Eye as a VIP Hospitality Executive (I provided the “ultimate VIP experience” to famous people, stag parties, marriage proposals etc…).

I remember that we received word of what happened before the public did because we were a possible target. I remember being ready to make a run for it, but we weren’t allowed to leave. I had two jobs that morning–the first was, as instructed by MI5, to tell the people in the area that we were shutting down for the day due to technical difficulties (I didn’t lie to anyone). Then, I was told to search the bathroom for anything suspicious while we waited for the sniffer dogs to arrive. I had no idea what I was doing, but I searched around and tried to look important.

When we were released, I walked out of the building and saw tons of people pouring into the streets. A hot guy I worked with offered to take me home. His car was parked a couple of miles away, so I took off my heels, he took my hand and we walked.

I remember feeling like a little kid that day. I remember feeling confused by the blank look on people’s faces even though they were all probably just as confused and scared as I was. I remember my co-worker having to pull me away when I looked down the street and saw debris from that fucking bus and the blood on the wall.

Days later, I remember seeing posters for missing persons.

On July 9th, we were back at work. I remember reading an interview with a woman who said when she got off the bus, she saw “a pile of bodies in the back.” It made me sick to my stomach.

We all read stories like that in the news and we look it over. We have to, you know? We can’t emotionally connect to every terrible thing that happens. It’s weird. I just think it’s a really weird thing we do as fragile humans.

A July 4th Vajazzle

4 Jul

One year ago today, I was having my share of wine and cheese at the symphony/fireworks event at Oregon Ridge Park. Considering the very small amount of “us” time that Dane and I got at home, this was a great way to unwind and be romantic.

 

 

There are few things that bother me when I am feeling relaxed and tipsy. I tend to escape from the world around me and I even have the ability to tune out screaming children. However, just as the symphony started playing, I was startled by a woman in a white terry cloth romper who accidentally flashed her vajazzled vagina in my direction. Then it happened again. Then another time. The more wine she drank, the more I saw her gem adorned vagina. The people around us began seeing it too–Dane saw it thrice before the shocked woman next to him and her ice cream covered child saw it. One guy saw it and was so disgusted that he moved his blanket. I even heard a couple talking about it on the way out.

We were all so disturbed by what we saw, but not one of us could look away. This woman’s vajazzle was present in the lives of everyone at Oregon Ridge Park that day. It reflected sunlight like a disco ball does a spotlight, there’s no way that someone could have missed it.

I have some simple advice for this lady and I think that all of my dear sisters should take note:

1. In January 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt said vajazzling would empower you and perhaps you took her advice. She didn’t say you should get shitfaced at the park and show your 50 yr. old va-junk to children.

2. Making your lady bits sparkle is the business of you and your husband and it shouldn’t be flashed around. It makes you seem trashy. Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t show her vajazzled “precious lady” to anyone. The ghost whisperer knows best.

3. Always wear underwear to family friendly events.

4. Keep your legs together whilst in public places. You risk much laughter and disgust at your expense.

5. You also risk some perv taking a photo of that thing. Believe me, I tried to snap one myself.

6. A 3rd risk to consider? Mosquitoes. Keep it covered, girlfriends.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where does one get a vajazzle? Have you ever been with a guy who has a pejazzle? Is there such a thing as clitter? I have this friend who wants to know. It isn’t me.

The Female Reaction to Magic Mike

2 Jul

You can leave your hat on.

 

One week ago, I turned on a TV for the first time in two months and saw a preview for “Magic Mike.” At first I thought it was a joke, and then I thought it was a dream, and then I realized no…no, this is real and women all over the earth must be going out of their minds about it.

I’m going to see it tomorrow with two of my friends. However, after reading Rachelle’s post on A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It, it made me question the reason women are going to see it.

I hope that the ladies choosing to see this movie aren’t doing so as a means of retaliation against menfolk for going to strip clubs and watching porn. If a guy is mad because you’re going to see the movie, then I guess he “has to deal with it” the way women are told “to deal with it,” but it seems rather juvenile to rub it in his face, no? Instead, I hope women will take this opportunity to be in the spectator role that we rarely experience in such a way–whether it be in movies or real life. Besides the fact that Channing Tatum is a hunk, the movie provides a change from the usual cinematic divide between men and women and I guess we should give three cheers for having the option to watch 5 dudes gyrate and take off their clothes to “It’s Raining Men.” It’s a nice option to have.

I have only one question, and it might be my lack of a man talking, but why is “Magic Mike” not being shown in 3D?

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