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How to Have a Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Here is how to have a good day today whether you’re happily married, single, your wife hates you, or your boyfriend is abroad:

1. Quit yer bitching and be grateful.

2. Look nice. Shave for once. It feels good to look good.

3. Wear something festive. Today my underpants are pink. It’s like a secret party in there that no one can see.

4. Eat a lot of M&M’s.

5. Give candy to your co-workers because the fatter they are, the happier you are.

6. Laugh at funny things on the internet.

 

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7. Fart on really pretty people. They deserve it.

8. Dance and/or drink excessively.

9. Eat more M&M’s.

10. Go to bed remembering that some people only feel special today while YOU feel special every day.

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Oh, I’m So Lovely

12 Feb

I guess I got an award from twindaddy.

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Thanks, buddy! I don’t usually participate, but I feel like sharing some fun facts, so here we go.

 

1. Last Valentine’s Day, Dane threatened to take me to Medieval Times for dinner. He even sent me a photo of the place etc… and said he was picking up the tickets. We didn’t go there (thank god), but instead went to a Greek rooftop restaurant called The Olive Room where we ate perhaps the best calamari of all time.

2. Last Thursday I ate an entire cake for dinner and I carry no regrets.

3. I do EFT. I know 99% of you will think it’s nuts, so hold on to your butts. Ha, poet. This one is relevant for this week.
 

 

4. I would probably still be a devout Catholic if communion tasted like pretzel dogs.

5. On Sunday I was blazing mad and taking my clothes off at the same time and I kicked my panties so hard that they flew up and landed on my head.

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Something Stupid

4 Feb

This morning something stupid happened, and it doesn’t matter what or why or whatever.

I have some great friends who assisted me today and I just wanted to say thank you. You all are the reason I am going to get out of bed at some point and go to Zumba tonight to dance off the blues (and that delicious Super Bowl food from last night, YAY RAVENS). A special thanks to Simon and Scott and a special thank you to Madame Weebles who said a lot of VERY kind and wonderful things including that if she were a guy she would be banging me senseless right now. Muah! Most of all, thank you to Dina, who has always been there for me when I have a moment of weakness.

 

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Cue Independent Women by Destiny’s Child:

 

 

Next stop? I’m not sure. I have a free flight to anywhere that American Airlines flies. I chose Miami last time and this time I might go for Vegas. Where would you go?

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3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

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My Knight in Shining Nakedness

5 Dec

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.

The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.

Oh, sweet illusion!

One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.

He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!

And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!

Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.

Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.

I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.

I so want a sunset.

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Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!

 

Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos

 

Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream

 

Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow

 

Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig

 

A majestic headpiece will wow your guests

 

Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece

 

I AM SO DOING THIS

 

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Happy Thanksgiving

22 Nov

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Cheers, everyone. This year I am most thankful for this wine and the creativity and friendship of every one of you. Okay…mostly for the wine. Just kidding. If I could have you guys and this wine at the same time, that would be great. Not like “have” have you, though. A blogger orgy would be a weird orgy. Too nerdy and thinky, probably.

Confession: I’d like Chris and red wine right about now. That would be perfect. Le sigh…I’m quite a dreamy romantic, believe it or not.

Guys, I don’t know if you know this, but I am tipsy right now…red, red wine you make me feel so fine, you keep me rockin’ all of de time. God bless UB40.

So anyway, I ate like 800 pieces of pie and washed it down with 800 glasses of wine. Thank god I remembered to wear my eatin’ shirt.

Oh and also, I am thankful for my hot pink underpants because they say “Ooh La La.” Yay!

I should get back to my family. Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

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Thankful in 2012

21 Nov

2012 has been a challenging year for everyone I know, and I think we have all grown a lot because of it. I am thankful for this growth. I am also thankful for these other things:

1. Hot dogs.

2. The power-ups Christopher De Voss gives me throughout the day. He’s 900 miles away, so I don’t even know how he does that. We’re like magical and stuff.

3. Magic and stuff.

4. Anything that eats spiders because I do not like those guys.

5. My budding hula hooping talent that will someday make me a vaudeville circus star.

6. That I never break my nose when I’m lying in bed and drop my phone directly on it.

7. My milkshake and the superabundance of boys it brings to the yard.

8. The roof over my head and the candy on my plate.

9. Laughter caused by Twitter. I can’t believe those people give that degree of funny away for free.

10. This surfing alpaca.

 

What are you thankful for?

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Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.

Requirements

  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated and as a trained killer, I think you know what to do.*

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

*You don’t have to actually be a trained killer….

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Power Ballad Serenade

19 Oct

Last night, as I sat down to relax after my long work day, I was startled by a man right outside my window singing at the top of his lungs, “I wanna know what love is, I want you to shoooow me!”

I hoped and prayed that he was drunk and/or had the wrong house. I peered through the blinds, but it was dark and I couldn’t quite make out his face. He continued singing, “I wanna feel what love is, I know you can shoooow me!!”

I opened the window and shouted down to him, “Do I know you?!”

“Yeah! It’s me!” he yelled back. I squinted, but still couldn’t see him.

Just then, the woman across the street opened her window and screamed, “I’m over here, jackass!”

Giggling, I shut the window and watched him turn and stumble across the street. I went back to relaxing and waited patiently for Christopher to get home from work so I could tell him the story and secretly I hoped we would then have a Foreigner sing-along. We did.

Oh please, don’t look at me like that. Everyone loves a power ballad. Which is your favorite? I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna knnooooowww…

 

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