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My Male Order Husband

7 May

See what I did there? Fun.

Since searching for true love feels like being hit by a train, I’ve decided to just go ahead and order a husband. I did some research and found some real gems. It was hard, but I have narrowed it down to these 3 dreamy guys:

Boris (left), Gntlbeast and Vladimir (right)

They all seem great and as you can see, each candidate has chosen his best photo, making this a difficult choice. Based on the photo alone, Gntlbeast is a no-brainer. He is gentle and he likes unicorns. What’s not to love? He has a mustache, too–bonus. Now I shall present their website descriptions. Which would you choose? Any feedback will be appreciated. This is my future husband, after all. Husbands from Ukraine don’t come cheap, folks.

Boris

I am a well-wishing man from Ukraine. I love art, intellectual dialogues, going to the nature. I write pictures and sell my works. I love cats, corresponding. I am strong and brave. Romantic a little bit. I like to cook. Sometimes I want to taste you in my dishes.

I have never been to abroad but I want to meet a girl there who has the light eyes, desirably never married before, open in sex. I can respects a lady. Frankly it does not matter what girl she is…. Every girl is always nice!

Gntlbeast

I am a calm tempered man. As every man I dream about my own family. I see her beautiful and slim. Blonder. Black hair is good also.

Vladimir

Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to  trampoline much. Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine independent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way. Hey! USA!

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress professional in week and “letting loose” on weekend to be sexy for dance party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in USA. Good are you?

You see, I am looking for sexful lady with romance in life and living. I am young, live fast, I need fast lady to keep up with my speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. I like personality to maybe you like my personality and we “hitting it off” as say in USA!

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Douche at the bar.

6 May


Tonight I met a coach of a local college team. We talked for an hour or so. He was cute and I was having fun until things got douchey.

Coach: You want to fuck later?

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: I said I want to fuck you, you seem like a great girl. Maybe I was mistaken.

Me: What are you, 16?

Coach: I saw you flirting with that British guy over there, I’m not stupid. Should we wait until tomorrow? We can bang on the holy day. As a bonus, I’ll do you with bad teeth and an English accent while drinking a cup of tea if that’s what you like.

Me (confused, wide-eyed, angry): Wow.

Coach: What, you gonna cry? You too uptight? You probably just need to get laid. Come home with me.

Me: For real? Fuck off!

Coach: Don’t get crazy with me. I know how women can be.

I was close to shutting down. I thought for a moment about all the terrible men I have met and how I don’t believe in people anymore, but then I remembered who I am and how I never give up. When I got home, the picture above was posted on Facebook. It reminded me that I am proud to be smart, honest, sensitive, open, loving, a bit quirky, and kind of funny. I will always love and be grateful. Fuck the rest, people.

Don’t fake things. Be yourself. Love others and be unafraid. Accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.

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Stuff I did on Ambien

3 May

I was so stressed in college that I needed to take Ambien to sleep at night. Doctors should prescribe “drinking too much” for sleep issues because I swear to you that Ambien gave me the same side effects as a bottle of wine (or 2). I am sure you have seen the commercials and heard the list of precautions/complex behavior warnings.

 

Ambien may prompt:

Sleep-driving. Check. I drove to my parents house in the middle of the night with no memory of it. Yikes.

Visual hallucinations. Check. I asked my roommate Kelli where she got her parrot and why she was dressed like a pirate. That poor girl probably thought I was nuts.

Sleepwalking. Check.  I visited friends down the hall and had full conversations. The next day I would have to ask if it was a dream or real life.

Sleep-eating. Check. I walked into someone’s dorm room in the middle of the night and took her skittles and fruit with no memory of it. I woke up in bed with skittles all over me the next morning.

Sleep-sexy time. Not Check. If you and your partner take Ambien before sex, chances are you will both take off your clothes, start something sexy and either pass out or not remember anything that happened. That sounds lame. My opinion is it wouldn’t make things hotter, although you may remember that  Tiger Woods was a fan.

So, are there other precautions the commercial doesn’t mention? You bet:

Sleep-dancing. Ambien and the internet worked together to teach me the Carmen Electra booty shake and the Carlton dance (and I am proud to say I am still a pro at both):


Sleep-mooning. If I was in any way well-known on my college campus, it was because I would leave the room and moon people after taking Ambien. I came back from Christmas break to a picture of my butt taped to our dorm room door. Also, one time I fell in the snow whilst mooning and as you can imagine, it gave a whole new meaning to “freezing my ass off.”

Sleep-writing in my journal: Written journal entries trailed slowly down the page into illegible squiggles. I have a whole journal of this!

Lastly, my greatest achievement while taking Ambien…sleep-shopping. The little (big) gem below is my favorite sleep-shopping purchase. It is a life-size cardboard cutout of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings that was delivered one fine afternoon to my parents’ house while I was away at school. My dad called with a number of questions, but I had no recollection of buying it. I still have these guys because, I mean, it’s pretty funny. I could have purchased anything that the internet offers, but I went with life-size hobbits. Maybe Ambien just wanted to release and please my inner geek? Who knows. Whatever, I still love these guys.

 

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Benadryl Dreams

2 May

My elbow has calmed down and my sore throat turned out to be allergies. Last night, I decided to take Benadryl to treat my symptoms and I had a dream that it was the 1800’s and ChrisDeVoss showed up at my house to exchange goods (no, not those kinds of goods).

I traded my mint leaves for his Uncrustable (no, not those mint leaves or that Uncrustable) and a video tape with this music video that he thought I would like:

 

 

I do like it, thanks dream Chris. We watched it and jammed the eff out. When it was over, I turned to him and very seriously commented, “When they invent the internet, I am so going to use ‘sexy soufflé’ in one of my posts.” See? Now I have.

I woke up laughing. God bless Benadryl dreams.

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Where do you want to be right now?

30 Apr

I am taking off this week due to an arm/elbow issue (nerve entrapment) that seems to get very angry at me when I work/write and spend too much time on WordPress. This puts a damper on my spirits because, well, one is my job and the other is what I do when I take frequent breaks from my job. Also, I was in an effing car accident last night and I have a sore throat. If anyone knows how to exorcise the crappy luck demons, that would be fabulous.

 

Maybe I just need to get away.

 

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be and why? I know where I would be (and where I will escape to in my imagination all day):

 

Bora Bora, bitches.

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My Boyfriend, Vodka

24 Apr

As you can see, Vodka and I are back together again after our rough breakup. I lasted 1 week. I didn’t want to be in the photos, but Vodka (and Sangria) insisted. Yikes.

http://vimeo.com/40949148

 

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I still don’t look like Fergie.

19 Apr

Today I got my 500th “like.” Thank you, people of the internets–much love. Here is one reason I began blogging in the first place:

Over the past 8 months, 4 different people, all strangers, have told me I look like Fergie. I don’t look like Fergie. I don’t think she’s looking so hot these days (though her body stays vicious, indeed–fair enough, Fergie Ferg).

In 1989, I remember dancing my tiny 5-year-old ass off while watching her perform The Locomotion on Kids Incorporated and thinking I wanted to be her (she’s the one in the middle):

 

Side note, look how cute little Jennifer Love Hewitt is on the right. Who knew she would grow those boobs or get vajazzled? Not I.

These days, if someone comments, “You look like Fergie,” is it a compliment?  No. Why? Because I think Fergie and Carrot Top look like plastic face twins. So…

 

If Fergie

=

Carrot Top

 

then Fergie and/or Carrot Top

=

Me

And seriously, fuck Carrot Top. He reminds me of a nightmare I once had about the circus. Just thinking about him raises my blood pressure. I guess none of this really matters because I don’t look like Fergie and Carrot Top, so there’s no problem here and there was no reason to rant about this in the first place. Right? Right. Whatever those 4 people saw shall remain unknown and will haunt me for the rest of my days. Unless, of course, one of you sees the resemblance. If so, please come forth. Choose your words wisely.

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Believe

19 Apr

Springtime in Baltimore.

Power lines sway, neighbors greet,

Helen turns tricks in the sunshine,

a syringe rolls by my feet.

 

My lawn is an ashtray

and home to a stray weave.

The junkie next door beats his wife.

One word. Believe.

 

It’s printed in black and white–

as if things were that clear.

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Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

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On Air Sex World Championships

13 Apr

I am going to pop out of my shell today and share something called the Air Sex World Championships. It’s like air guitar, except it’s sex and there are less rules. Contestants have 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. The routine can include all phases of a sexual encounter. Props are allowed, teams are allowed and talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated. Sex judges are comedians, musicians, artists and press. They choose 3 acts who return for a final round that is performed to a mystery song.

I want to do it. I’m serious. Those of you who know me are thinking there is no way I would go through with it, right? Do not doubt me, my friends. I finally have a calling and it is the Air Sex World Championships. We all knew my calling would be something that would better the world.

Since teams are allowed, SnarkySnatch, will you do me the honor of performing with me? What better day to say yes than this day–Friday the Fuck Buddy 13th? You know you want to, don’t hold back. We would be good at it and our performance would be wicked hot. My brain (among other things) is already flooding with ideas. I don’t know about you, but I will have to practice simulating an orgasm since I’ve never faked an orgasm in my life. Let’s do it. You pick the song.

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