Archive | March, 2012

The luckiest girl in the world

28 Mar

It’s hard to leave you for the day,

Let’s cuddle forever

and be like kids when we play.

At night, we meet at my front door–you kiss me.

I don’t mind that you don’t have a job

and your tattoo gives you history.

So they call it puppy love,

but what can I do?

I am hopelessly and endlessly in love with you.

...even if you burp in my face, have a snaggletooth and occasionally smell like corn chips

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Case of the Mondays

26 Mar

My thoughts exactly. This lady and I would be the best of friends. I bet her name is Edna. Come along, Edna, we can count down together.

 

 

Okay everyone, back to work.

Six things to avoid on a first date

20 Mar

Six things to avoid on a first date

that have happened to me on a first date…all within the last 6 years)

1. Try not to fall and cut your knee/leg/ankle. If you do, try not to cry. If you cry…avoid allowing your date to dress your wounds (but hey, if you’re horny, this is a great, easy way to let a guy in your pants).

2. Don’t laugh hard at his jokes and say something like, “Oh my god, that’s hilarious, I love you!” because you will spend the next 5 minutes in silence or awkwardly trying to explain what you meant.

3. If you’re out and you see the person who waxes you, avoid drunkenly calling her over and announcing, “She has seen my vagina!”

4. Avoid nose bleeds. Or, if you’re trying to get out of the date, don’t avoid nose bleeds.

5. Don’t talk to anyone who in the past has given you an embarrassing nickname. Your date may start calling you that nickname (“Moose” or “Wee Wee” are 2 examples).

6. Avoid tucking your dress into your panties. You should avoid this on all dates and at all times. I suggest that you look in the mirror AND check for a draft before you leave the ladies’ room. This should be easy enough.

Actually, while on the topic, here are the things you should be doing in the bathroom (in a timely manner):

  1. Pee quickly–you’re holding up the line. Do not pee on the seat. If you pee on the seat, be classy and wipe it off.
  2. Flush.
  3. Wash hands with soap.
  4. Check your teeth for the dreaded pepper tooth (a spice stuck somewhere near that lateral incisor).
  5. Check hair.
  6. Check cleavage.
  7. Gloss up those lips. Do not get gloss on teeth.
  8. Check that dress is not tucked into underwear.
  9. Smile and pose. As always, you are the loveliest lady up in that place.
  10. Grand exit.
18 Mar

Pigeon Heart Ponderings

Sometimes it is the prospect of possibilities themselves that stop you dead in your tracks. The openness wallops you- you get  thrashed back into the cush lazy boy chair; assuming the iconic image of the skeleton sitting before the speakers- his skin blown off by the sheer volume.

That is how I feel sometimes when I want to access creativity.

I hit open mics often. I go. I sit by myself.  I’m in my own private little world….

I go strictly for contagion. The inspiration in the room rubs off as the gears inevitably begin to turn and I think to myself: “There are about a million things that have never been done that I could be doing right now…”

Like playing out languid daydreams, fiddling with the reel as it turns; Unfolding ideas.

 

If your hair stands up in a storm it could be a sign that positive charges are rising through you, connecting…

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Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

17 Mar

Some of my favorite memories are of Ireland (Irish men, specifically). I lived with a few Irish guys. Besides the constant flirting and entertainment that took place, I received a few lessons from them, included a proper talking to about St. Patrick’s Day. They were frustrated that we Americans say “St.Patty’s Day” instead of “St. Paddy’s Day.” It’s “St. Paddy’s Day” because Paddy is derived from the Irish “Pádraig.”

I was sent (forced by the law) back to America to share this very lesson with you.

According to The Provisional Government of Paddy, Not Patty, “There’s not a sinner in Ireland that would call a Patrick, “Patty.” It’s insulting. It’s really as simple as that.”

So, now that you’ve received your lesson, enjoy some photos I took in Ireland when I wasn’t drinking a pint of the black stuff and/or kissing strangers. I kissed many strangers.

A tomb called Poll na mBrón, which is Irish for "hole of sorrows."                                      The Burren, County Clare

Kinsale, County Cork

Locke's Distillery, County Westmeath 

Sheep and hills and water near Dingle, County Kerry

Rock Of Cashel, County Tipperary

Cliffs of Moher, County Clare

WebMD

15 Mar

Am I the only one who despises the WebMD symptom checker but still visits the website anyway “just incase”? I swear that when I type something as simple as “headache,” they basically tell me that I’m going to die within the next 24 hours or that I am mentally ill and, at least for a little while, I actually believe it.

Recently, I visited the website and it gave me 2 possible conditions:

 

 

For the record, all I needed was sleep and I have never craved or eaten paint, plaster, dirt or laundry starch. Today, I went to the search and typed “swollen gland,” clicked a couple of symptoms and here are the possible conditions…

 


…and here was my thought process upon reading this:

1. Cat-scratch disease?! That’s real? Well, it says that I would need to be scratched or licked by a cat. Wait, a cat licked me last weekend at that party. Wait, I HAVE a cat. Crap, I have cat scratch fever!

2. It can’t be Lyme disease, I haven’t seen a tick on me. Then again, I live alone. What if the dog brought it in? What if it was on my back and I didn’t see it? I am achy and fatigued….shit! I have Lyme disease!!!

3. Oh great, I probably have TB!! Figures!

4. I don’t have an abscess and my throat doesn’t hurt…so it’s not that stuff.

5. I haven’t kissed anyone, so it isn’t Mono. Wait, we shared cake at work last week! Oh no, it’s Mono!! Bright side–maybe it will help me lose weight. Um, Lauren, don’t think like that, you’re so weird. And stop talking to yourself like this. You need professional help.

6. Swollen glands, well duh, that’s what I clicked in the first place.

7. I HAVE THE PLAGUE? I knew it! Stupid rats!!!!! I’m going to die in 4-7 days?! How tragic, I never got to finish my world tour or get married and have kids! I just coughed. Fuck, how did I get this big bruise? Is that blood? No, this can’t be the end, I’m too young to die!!!!

 

I am still stuck on that 7th thought. So, we’ll see. Oh and hey, I apologize if I gave anyone else the plague. My bad.

How I feel.

13 Mar

It’s one of those days when I feel like

…but if I didn’t work, I would post to WordPress all day and eventually end up living in a box on the side of MLK Blvd. I’d probably try to steal the 101 Dalmatians comforter from the homeless guy who already lives there and we would have a fight. Then, I would be wanted for murdering a homeless guy. So, I GUESS I will stick to having a job, being independent and using my brain. At least for now.

Aunt Lauren’s Dance Party

12 Mar

I have been babysitting my niece since she was 6 months old. She’s such a loving, happy little girl. You might say that my childhood experience was a bit different from her’s. This sums it up:

La La on sled (left) and Little L on sled (right)

We were night and day and I felt this difference from the moment we began spending our days together. I was a quiet, sensitive, coloring book kind of kid and she has been a funny, energetic, grade-A chatty Cathy from the get-go. 

When she turned 3, I needed to find something to tire her out so I invented, “Aunt Lauren’s Dance Party.” I would burn recent pop music to a CD, bring it to her house and we would drive (she usually drove) to a dance club in our imaginations called “Aunt Lauren’s” and then we would dance for hours. I was a fucking genius.

For 3 years we had fun with this by integrating all kinds of situations, dressing up, pretending to be different people, and making up silly dances. She’s older now and we see less of each other these days, but when we are together we watch musicals and sing along, build tents and really just have a rollicking good time.

Recently, I realized that we are now very much alike and that she helped me relive parts of my childhood (even adulthood) that frightened me in the past. Maybe I helped shape her into the charming, creative kid she is today (especially since she understands sarcasm). Regardless, I love her, and maybe one day I will make someone just as wonderful.

Ed.

8 Mar

I have waited 3 and a half years for Ed, the painter in our building, to say something to me. We have never spoken or even exchanged glances. Ed’s job is to paint 6 floors of flat, chalk-white walls and then restart at the beginning and paint them again. How dull.

I used to feel bad for him so I would say, “good morning” or “have a good evening,” but he never responded. I gave up and figured that he’s just an impolite dick with a monotonous job. Sometimes when I pass by, I catch him in the window reflection checking out my ass. Boys really will be boys.

Today I came into work a different way so I could spend a little more time dreaming up things in the sunshine. Beautiful days always put my head in the clouds. As I approached the building, I saw Ed coming in from the other side. We walked in together and waited in silence for the elevator. Once we were on, the door closed and he looked up at me and said, “Whatever is making you smile like that, hold it close and never let it go.”

I was taken aback. “Oh I won’t,” I replied firmly. He smiled. We got off the elevator and before we went our separate ways he said, “Good girl. I’m glad we understand each other–now go be happy.”

And so I am. Life, what a funny, precious thing.

8 Mar

Fair enough.

kyle mew

Now, before you click ‘unfollow’ or start to hurl abuse, hear me out.

Isn’t there something wrong with our societies if we need to remind ourselves to celebrate our respect, appreciation and love of women, and then, only for a single bloody day? Aren’t women’s economic, political and social achievements something we should celebrate every day?

Only in a man’s world would there be such a thing as a women’s day.

I think this century will belong to women, I think it should, I hope it does, and all those that follow. If this carries on being a man’s world for much longer, then we are fucked. We have had our go and we have literally cocked things up. We live on a planet that is dying and where the threat of terrorism and nuclear armageddon loom over us like retarded demons. Our economies are falling apart, leaving a wake of poverty and…

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