I want to hug you
on Bahia Honda beach or
in Baltimore on an autumn afternoon.
We can hug in Central Park,
or on the glass skywalk
over the Grand Canyon.
It frightens us both,
but I want to hug you there
in snow or spring
or on state lines so
we can be in two places at once,
or four if we’re running west.
I have this feeling,
together we can do anything
and wherever we go,
I want to hug you there.
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Hugs All Over
14 Oct
Charm City Heroine Versus Junkie
3 OctEvery now and then, a charm city chick might find herself crouched on the floor behind her bed, waiting for the police to arrive. It’s in that moment she realizes the only person she really has is herself, so she better get her dull knife ready in case she has to stab a bitch.
She focuses on her breath as she hears the intruder’s footsteps get louder. For some reason she is steady and unafraid. She smiles and wonders if maybe Baltimore should be considered a training course for the zombie apocalypse (our silly heroine has a habit of making jokes to herself during serious moments).
When the police turn up, she discovers it was just the neighbor’s junkie son trying to break into the wrong house. No big deal, he’s cool most of the time.
Or is it a big deal?
This was her fifth call to the police in four years. Most people don’t call the police that much, but she often finds herself observing or being a part of very odd situations involving very odd people–usually in the John Waters sense. Despite all the laughs she gets from these characters, she doesn’t always enjoy living in Baltimore, especially when she’s in danger or things get out of hand.
Why does she stay? Well, it’s interesting how family ties might keep a heroine in a place she doesn’t want to live.
Little does she know (okay, she knows) that soon she will be invited by the story’s hero to try somewhere and something completely new. He has a few things to take care of first (you know, hero stuff). When he finally asks her to come with him, it is advised that he arrive on a magic carpet and be prepared for a duet.
Just saying.
Will she then accept his offer? I wouldn’t know. Until we find out, someone should probably buy that girl a better knife…and a large suitcase.
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What I Learned at 27
30 SepMy weekend was relatively lame and I’m sorry to report that I have no stories about me falling down or kissing all the wrong men. So, here’s another list. Yaaaaaay.
Tomorrow I turn 28. Here are 27 things I learned this year:
1. Drinking alone isn’t so awful.
2. Toe hair is no joke.
3. Hula hooping is fun.
4. Everyone is going to die, so don’t take your loved ones for granted.
5. I need to follow my heart, no matter how stupid it makes me look.
6. If someone doesn’t treat me well, fuck them (“middle finger” sense, not “penis inside me” sense).
7. Not that I’m complaining, but most men on the internet are fucking freaks (okay, yes, I’m complaining).
8. Being alone isn’t half as scary as I thought.
9. Birthday sex is so overrated…probably. (Work with me here, I’m trying to make myself feel better.)
10. If I leave my car unlocked, a prostitute will have sex in it.
11. I can’t get high and listen to Nights in White Satin because it makes me feel like I am in a movie.
12. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.
13. Despite what I was hoping, the majority of men really do think with their dicks.
14. Everyone gives advice about love and it’s all different. I appreciate the help, but I can’t always listen–I need to live my life!
15. One can lose a lot of weight by dancing every day.
16. Doing the robot on Skype is hilarious to the right naked man, and all the other naked men will not find it funny.
17. I’m romantic and that’s okay.
18. Laughing is SO MUCH FUN.
19. It is possible to live without cable.
20. The past is past and what happened, happened.
21. Living in love isn’t easy at first, but it changes thinking patterns and IS fabulous.
22. Never stop being grateful.
23. Love should feel good.
24. Tequila and grapefruit juice are delicious together.
25. Being married to me will be fun and super sexy (I hang out with me, I would know).
26. It’s okay to be a funny girl.
27. I still have no idea what I’m doing!
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Modern Faerie Tale
27 SepRecently I overheard two women being bratty about the gifts they receive from their husbands. It reminded me of a certain birthday gift I received for my 25th birthday.
I dated a guy who knew me like a book. For two years he drove me to work every day, we talked all day at work and we spent all of our evenings together. We brushed our teeth together, watched TV together and even showered together. He knew my habits and routines. He even knew my specific, classy taste in jewelry.
When he asked me what I wanted for my 25th birthday I said, “Surprise me.” So, this is what I got:
1. Yes, what you are seeing is a necklace with a locket that says, “I believe in Faeries.”
2. Yes, that is a small vial of “Faerie dust.”
3. Yes, that is the nerdy/archaic “ae” spelling.
4. No, I do not believe in “faeries,” nor have I ever expressed even a mild interest in such mythical beings.
_____
How would you react in this situation? I laughed because I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, and he spent the rest of the day moping around the house because I laughed.
I think we both learned important lessons that day and I invite you to take this knowledge with you when you go–
Women: Quit your bitching. If a man asks you what you want, tell him or narrow it down because guess what? It doesn’t matter how well he knows you, he may get you a goddamn fairy necklace.
Men: Unless your lady absolutely fucking adores fairies, there isn’t a single circumstance that warrants purchasing a fairy necklace. If she isn’t bleeding fairy dust, don’t get that necklace! Do you understand me? Don’t you fucking do it!
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What’s in Your Bag?
12 SepBoss: Can I move your suitcase?
Me: It’s my bag. Sure.
Boss: Why is it kind of heavy?
Me: I usually have random, useful things in there.
Boss: Like what? A weapon?
Me: I’m not sure what’s in there right now. Let’s see.
The current contents of my bag (minus keys and lip gloss):
Exhibit A.
Boss: Really? A giant wallet, screwdriver, Under Armour shirt and shorts, banana, bottle of water, purple pen and hand lotion?
Me: You never know what you might need. Usually I have a mini Kleenex packet, a hair tie and a stain removal pen in there as well.
Boss: You’re a mess. By the way, there’s a young, new Italian guy named Donato on the 6th floor if you want to meet him.
Me: Is he cute? And I am not a mess! What if I’m hungry? What if I have dry hands? Go ask your wife what’s in her bag right now.
Boss: Okay…and yes, he’s 25 and very handsome. Blue eyes.
He leaves and comes back 20 minutes later
Boss: She has a wallet, keys, scissors, pen, toothpaste, pair of shoes and an orange.
Me: I rest my case…and sign me up for Donato.
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Drunk Girl Writing
7 SepAndrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.
I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:
Gentlemen,
Come, gather ’round. HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.
Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.
1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.
2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.
3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.
4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.
5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.
6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.
7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.
8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.
9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.
10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.
Love,
Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).
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What is a man?
9 MayI went and picked out a bottle from my Aunt Sue’s wine rack (I am house sitting this week). When I tried to open the bottle, this happened:
I broke the wine opener.
I fought to the death with that thing, but it didn’t work out. So, on a piece of paper I wrote “sorry” (right). I noticed the notepad (left) had writing on the next page. It asks, “What is a man?” Wow, good question. I found another opener, got a new bottle and there went my mind for the evening. What is a man?
What is a man to you? Are you a man? What makes you one?
Sure, a man will reach high places, fix things, grill like a champ, be on bug removal duty and fart on you from time to time. He will also laugh at the word “duty” in the previous sentence. Because he truly thinks you will like it or because he’s trying to be funny, he might also send you a picture of his ween. But what else?
To me, a man is loyal, focused, honest and an equal. A man is a role model to his children. A man owns up, dances (sometimes, though I prefer often), and can apologize. He is protective. Without thinking, a man gets the door. He allows himself to be emotional with you. A man won’t whine to his friends about you to seem cool.
Also, a man will inspire you to live without fear and forget regret. He will make sure you always feel like you are the most beautiful, confident woman in the room…oh wait, my bad, now I’m just thinking of alcohol.
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La La
Dog lover. Storyteller. Urbanite-Suburbanite. Poet. Music addict. Editor. Explorer. Wine enthusiast (Malbec, please). Anglophile. People watcher. My dream job? Writer, or a Tom Jones back up singer. Well, not Tom Jones now, but Tom Jones in the early '70s...so let's go with the writing thing.
tales of a charm city chick 