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Skype Strip

15 Aug

Recently I was skyping with someone about an outline I made for a possible book. He is kind of a dick sometimes, but he has good ideas. We both had a glass of wine, we talked and flirted a little, and he suddenly said to me, “You should strip for me, do a dance, maybe touch yourself a little.”

I rolled my eyes.

“C’mon pretty girl, do it! Stop being so worried about your book. This will be fun and will release some of the tension!” he continued.

“Oohhh, I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of shy,” I replied. “You first.” I was kind of kidding.

Then I saw the mischievous man-grin. He looked through his music library for a minute, turned on “Lick it Up” by Kiss (haha, I know, right?) and stood up. I sat on my couch and watched as he actually danced, stripped to the music and then did the thing with his thing. You know, that helicopter thing. I was dumbfounded.

So then it was my turn. Frick. I didn’t think that when I said, “You first” that he was going to just get up and do it. Men. You know, one of the main things I have learned in 2012 is that men have little to no shame.  Jesus.

So I picked a song (you know I love my Tom Jones)

and I got up (I had on pink leopard print boxers), whipped my hair out of my ponytail and just started dancing my silly ass off. Robot? Yep. Twist? Absolutely. Carlton dance? No doubt.  Shakin’ the tail feathers like my dad does at weddings? Fucking right.

It was a lot of fun, and it did release tension, but the guy got really mad at me about it and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Really? Some gals don’t skype strip, especially not on command, and I think someone needs a better sense of humor.

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Little People Circus

13 Aug

 

On Saturday night, my friend, her boyfriend and I went to a little people circus in Harrisburg, PA.

I imagined that they would do typical circus things, but it turned out not really being  that kind of circus. First of all, the tall, round, ringmaster spent the evening pretending that his penis was an elephant and that it made elephant sounds. Weird. Then there was a tiny Elvis impersonator who later juggled with fire. Fun.

My favorite acts, however, included the talents of Jordanna James and Nik Sin.

Nik Sin, who has a bit of Marilyn Manson style (and has played mini Marilyn Manson), came out in clown makeup and a red nose and deep-throated a balloon, which is a fine magic trick, indeed. As far as a small clowns with tattoos deep-throating things goes, I think this performance takes the cake. He returned later in the show and escaped from a small straight jacket while hanging upside down. I suggest looking him up if you have time.

 

Nik Sin

 

Jordanna James came out in the same cheetah costume that I wore for Halloween when I 9, except she stripped out of it. I didn’t remove mine in any sort of sexual fashion. She also danced with a whip to Circus by Britney Spears and rode around on the ringmaster’s back. I liked her weave.

 

Jordanna James

 

It was a fun evening and I recommend checking them out if they’re ever in town.

I  uploaded the picture above to Facebook and on my way home that night, I received questionable messages from two different men.  Enjoy.

 

Guy 1: Can you get the number of the blonde little person please?

Me: I already left… are you serious?

Guy 1: When you’re horny, why not? My belief is my penis will be bigger to her and I’ve always wanted to feel like a black guy.

Me: Fair enough.

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Guy 2: I want to have a threesome with you and the blonde little person, is that wrong?

Me: To each his own. I don’t do threesomes, but thank you for including me in your fantasy.

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Falcon’s Concealed Weapon

17 Jul

I will have a funny story for you on Thursday about a penis. Until then, I bring news about a man who was frisked at the airport when a security guard “felt threatened” by a noticeable package in Jonah’s pants. It turns out that it was just Jonah’s 9-inch penis, which is 13.5 inches when erect, and on record as the world’s largest ween.

 

Of all the penes in the world, mine is the largest. Shh, don’t be frightened.

 

I imagine that having a peen longer than a wine bottle (and almost as thick) is a curse, no? Men, is that something you would actually want? I imagine it would get in the way and be a pain in the ass–pun absolutely intended.

You couldn’t pay me to do it with that guy. Well, maybe you could, it depends how much. Just kidding. Kind of. Why am I even thinking about this? It’s 10:15 in the morning and I need to get back to work. This is all I am going to think about today. Thanks, Jonah.

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Color Me Creeped Out

12 Jul

 

I was just 7 years old when the song “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd came out in 1991 and I am wondering, did anyone think it was sexy? Men, did you play this song whilst laying a woman down by a fire? Ladies, did you hope any members of this group would sex you up?

Good lord, just look at those guys. Hey, George Michael, I didn’t know you were in Color Me Badd. And look at that one guy’s mustache–if that man said he wanted to sex me up, I would spray that ‘stache with mace and run away. Also, unless you’re going to be giving me Ambien, I don’t think it’s possible for us to “do it ’til we both wake up.” What an absurd thing to say.

I’m also wondering if anyone thought “Do Me!” by Bell Biv DeVoe was hot? Sometimes this song comes on SiriusXM 90s on 9 while I am driving to work and if I don’t turn the channel fast enough, it makes me feel like my ears are being sexually harassed.

 

 

No, I do not want to do you in the morning or in the night, but thank you for the offer, Bell Biv DeVoe. Oh, and no, you definitely can not smack it up, flip it or rub it down.

The last question I have for everyone older than me–have you ever actually been laid down by a fire? Have you ever laid someone down by a fire? I am just curious. I want to be laid down by a fire, but part of me thinks it would get uncomfortably hot in the room. That’s what happens in my imagination, anyway, and then we have to switch rooms and it’s like ugggh we should have just done it in this room anyway and then afterward, someone has to go make sure the fire went out and it’s kind of annoying to get up (because I know it would have to be me) and then I go to sleep kind of annoyed that I “have to do everything around here.”

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Drugstore Exchange

10 Jul

A 15-year-old girl bought condoms at the drugstore at 9:30 pm last night. She smiled as she walked out the door. Behind her in line was a kind of hot police officer and behind the kind of hot officer was yours truly.

 

Kind of hot police officer to saleswoman: Looks like she’s going to have a good time tonight.

Saleswoman: What?

Kind of hot police officer: I can’t believe you just sold condoms to that little girl.

Saleswoman: I can’t turn her down. She’s a teenager, at least she’s being safe.

Me: Teen pregnancy rates are really high around here, I say good for her.

Kind of hot police officer: I would have been embarrassed buying condoms at that age.

Me: Sounds like someone was a wuss when he was a teenager.

Kind of hot police officer (giving me the evil eye): What does she know about ribbed condoms?

Me: Enough to be buying them, unless it was a fortunate accident and tonight she will find out the benefits of ribbed condoms.

Girl behind me in line: What?

Kind of hot police officer: She shouldn’t be allowed to buy condoms. I would have said no if she tried to buy them from me.

Me: What? First of all, there is no age restriction on condom sales and secondly, that girl is being safe. In fact, I’m going run after her and applaud her. I’m going to give her a high five for having safe sex!

Kind of hot police officer: What if she were your daughter?

Me: If she were my daughter and I found out after the fact, I would simply ask if she used protection, if she’s okay and if she has any questions.

Kind of hot police officer: Whatever ladies, have a good night.

Saleswoman: Honey, you sassed that officer.

Me: I know, I got kind of fired up.

Saleswoman: Well hey, please don’t run after that girl and clap, she might get scared.

Me: She’s awesome, but I woooon’t, I won’t.

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Also, I saw a couple of Sesame Street updates today. Here’s my share–it’s “The Count Censored.”

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A July 4th Vajazzle

4 Jul

One year ago today, I was having my share of wine and cheese at the symphony/fireworks event at Oregon Ridge Park. Considering the very small amount of “us” time that Dane and I got at home, this was a great way to unwind and be romantic.

 

 

There are few things that bother me when I am feeling relaxed and tipsy. I tend to escape from the world around me and I even have the ability to tune out screaming children. However, just as the symphony started playing, I was startled by a woman in a white terry cloth romper who accidentally flashed her vajazzled vagina in my direction. Then it happened again. Then another time. The more wine she drank, the more I saw her gem adorned vagina. The people around us began seeing it too–Dane saw it thrice before the shocked woman next to him and her ice cream covered child saw it. One guy saw it and was so disgusted that he moved his blanket. I even heard a couple talking about it on the way out.

We were all so disturbed by what we saw, but not one of us could look away. This woman’s vajazzle was present in the lives of everyone at Oregon Ridge Park that day. It reflected sunlight like a disco ball does a spotlight, there’s no way that someone could have missed it.

I have some simple advice for this lady and I think that all of my dear sisters should take note:

1. In January 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt said vajazzling would empower you and perhaps you took her advice. She didn’t say you should get shitfaced at the park and show your 50 yr. old va-junk to children.

2. Making your lady bits sparkle is the business of you and your husband and it shouldn’t be flashed around. It makes you seem trashy. Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t show her vajazzled “precious lady” to anyone. The ghost whisperer knows best.

3. Always wear underwear to family friendly events.

4. Keep your legs together whilst in public places. You risk much laughter and disgust at your expense.

5. You also risk some perv taking a photo of that thing. Believe me, I tried to snap one myself.

6. A 3rd risk to consider? Mosquitoes. Keep it covered, girlfriends.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where does one get a vajazzle? Have you ever been with a guy who has a pejazzle? Is there such a thing as clitter? I have this friend who wants to know. It isn’t me.

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The Female Reaction to Magic Mike

2 Jul

You can leave your hat on.

 

One week ago, I turned on a TV for the first time in two months and saw a preview for “Magic Mike.” At first I thought it was a joke, and then I thought it was a dream, and then I realized no…no, this is real and women all over the earth must be going out of their minds about it.

I’m going to see it tomorrow with two of my friends. However, after reading Rachelle’s post on A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It, it made me question the reason women are going to see it.

I hope that the ladies choosing to see this movie aren’t doing so as a means of retaliation against menfolk for going to strip clubs and watching porn. If a guy is mad because you’re going to see the movie, then I guess he “has to deal with it” the way women are told “to deal with it,” but it seems rather juvenile to rub it in his face, no? Instead, I hope women will take this opportunity to be in the spectator role that we rarely experience in such a way–whether it be in movies or real life. Besides the fact that Channing Tatum is a hunk, the movie provides a change from the usual cinematic divide between men and women and I guess we should give three cheers for having the option to watch 5 dudes gyrate and take off their clothes to “It’s Raining Men.” It’s a nice option to have.

I have only one question, and it might be my lack of a man talking, but why is “Magic Mike” not being shown in 3D?

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Talk Nerdy to Me

29 Jun

 

While I may not look like a nerd, I have always been one at the core of my being. My inner nerd adores Shakespeare, knows the General Prologue to The Canterbury Tales in Middle English, loves video games and almost got an Elvish tattoo.

Because I am one, I have been known on occasion to fancy a nerd. I like the way their brains work. Also, many of you may not know that they are actually quite stellar in the bedroom because they aim to please and it’s easy to connect with them (perhaps this isn’t true about all nerds, but I am going on what I know and what I’ve heard).

There are several nerdy guys for whom I’ve felt the jones in my bones:

 

1. Liam. He’s an intelligent, lanky IT guy with an accent. He has mad sexy computer skills and a serious case of tall dick. I’d still have his babies.

2. Ben. He has super thick glasses and loves himself some Dance Dance Revolution. When the Wii came out, we played Zelda for 17 hours straight, slept, and then did the same thing the very next day.

3. Jim. He built his computer and he knows a lot about space. He used to buy me wine and talk about space for hours. It was hot. He also has a case of tall dick. He looked a lot like Anthony Edwards in Revenge of the Nerds.

4. Derek. This guy plays the violin, has a boisterous laugh and is a walking encyclopedia. He’s an IT guy in my building and sometimes I “have a problem with my computer” so he will come talk to me. He blushes a lot.

5. Ashton. He likes all things Japan and plays the flute in a video game band. Everyone loves a flutist. Also, he likes The Lord of the Rings. Bonus!

 

So, does any one else have a thing for nerds? Does anyone have a shirt that says “Frodo Lives!”? No? Oh, well then, me either……

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things they want me to do in bed.

26 Jun

Not those things. These things:

 

 

Once upon a time, my friend and I went to the bar, got drunk and she spent the night. We went up to my room and she watched me do my evening routine (above).

 

K: This is the least sexy thing I have ever watched.

Me: What? They say to use the Biofreeze and dog bone for my neck, the cast thing to keep my arm straight while I sleep, the sock thing goes under it and the green band so my hair doesn’t get in my face and make me break out.

 

Then I went and looked in the mirror and I was not hot at all, so I did a dance.
 

K: It’s still not sexy.

Me (air humping): Boys love it.

K: When’s the last time a boy saw your room?

Me (still dancing): 2011.

K: We are going to fix this, and when we do, no Biofreeze.

Me (doing some form of dougie): I know, I’ve already learned that lesson.

K: Poor guy.

Me (still douging): Poor me too! Don’t worry though, a hero will soon save me from sexual deprivation, I feel him coming.

K: Hah, coming.

Me (more douging): Come, let’s dougie.

 

And so we did, at 3 am, to no music.

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Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun

 

I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.

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