Tag Archives: sex

What is a man?

9 May

I went and picked out a bottle from my Aunt Sue’s wine rack (I am house sitting this week). When I tried to open the bottle, this happened:

 

I broke the wine opener.

 

I fought to the death with that thing, but it didn’t work out. So, on a piece of paper I wrote “sorry” (right). I noticed the notepad (left) had writing on the next page. It asks, “What is a man?” Wow, good question. I found another opener, got a new bottle and there went my mind for the evening. What is a man?

What is a man to you? Are you a man? What makes you one?

Sure, a man will reach high places, fix things, grill like a champ, be on bug removal duty and fart on you from time to time. He will also laugh at the word “duty” in the previous sentence. Because he truly thinks you will like it or because he’s trying to be funny, he might also send you a picture of his ween. But what else?

To me, a man is loyal, focused, honest and an equal. A man is a role model to his children. A man owns up, dances (sometimes, though I prefer often), and can apologize. He is protective. Without thinking, a man gets the door. He allows himself to be emotional with you. A man won’t whine to his friends about you to seem cool.

Also, a man will inspire you to live without fear and forget regret.  He will make sure you always feel like you are the most beautiful, confident woman in the room…oh wait, my bad, now I’m just thinking of alcohol.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

My Male Order Husband

7 May

See what I did there? Fun.

Since searching for true love feels like being hit by a train, I’ve decided to just go ahead and order a husband. I did some research and found some real gems. It was hard, but I have narrowed it down to these 3 dreamy guys:

Boris (left), Gntlbeast and Vladimir (right)

They all seem great and as you can see, each candidate has chosen his best photo, making this a difficult choice. Based on the photo alone, Gntlbeast is a no-brainer. He is gentle and he likes unicorns. What’s not to love? He has a mustache, too–bonus. Now I shall present their website descriptions. Which would you choose? Any feedback will be appreciated. This is my future husband, after all. Husbands from Ukraine don’t come cheap, folks.

Boris

I am a well-wishing man from Ukraine. I love art, intellectual dialogues, going to the nature. I write pictures and sell my works. I love cats, corresponding. I am strong and brave. Romantic a little bit. I like to cook. Sometimes I want to taste you in my dishes.

I have never been to abroad but I want to meet a girl there who has the light eyes, desirably never married before, open in sex. I can respects a lady. Frankly it does not matter what girl she is…. Every girl is always nice!

Gntlbeast

I am a calm tempered man. As every man I dream about my own family. I see her beautiful and slim. Blonder. Black hair is good also.

Vladimir

Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to  trampoline much. Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine independent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way. Hey! USA!

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress professional in week and “letting loose” on weekend to be sexy for dance party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in USA. Good are you?

You see, I am looking for sexful lady with romance in life and living. I am young, live fast, I need fast lady to keep up with my speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. I like personality to maybe you like my personality and we “hitting it off” as say in USA!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Douche at the bar.

6 May


Tonight I met a coach of a local college team. We talked for an hour or so. He was cute and I was having fun until things got douchey.

Coach: You want to fuck later?

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: I said I want to fuck you, you seem like a great girl. Maybe I was mistaken.

Me: What are you, 16?

Coach: I saw you flirting with that British guy over there, I’m not stupid. Should we wait until tomorrow? We can bang on the holy day. As a bonus, I’ll do you with bad teeth and an English accent while drinking a cup of tea if that’s what you like.

Me (confused, wide-eyed, angry): Wow.

Coach: What, you gonna cry? You too uptight? You probably just need to get laid. Come home with me.

Me: For real? Fuck off!

Coach: Don’t get crazy with me. I know how women can be.

I was close to shutting down. I thought for a moment about all the terrible men I have met and how I don’t believe in people anymore, but then I remembered who I am and how I never give up. When I got home, the picture above was posted on Facebook. It reminded me that I am proud to be smart, honest, sensitive, open, loving, a bit quirky, and kind of funny. I will always love and be grateful. Fuck the rest, people.

Don’t fake things. Be yourself. Love others and be unafraid. Accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On Air Sex World Championships

13 Apr

I am going to pop out of my shell today and share something called the Air Sex World Championships. It’s like air guitar, except it’s sex and there are less rules. Contestants have 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. The routine can include all phases of a sexual encounter. Props are allowed, teams are allowed and talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated. Sex judges are comedians, musicians, artists and press. They choose 3 acts who return for a final round that is performed to a mystery song.

I want to do it. I’m serious. Those of you who know me are thinking there is no way I would go through with it, right? Do not doubt me, my friends. I finally have a calling and it is the Air Sex World Championships. We all knew my calling would be something that would better the world.

Since teams are allowed, SnarkySnatch, will you do me the honor of performing with me? What better day to say yes than this day–Friday the Fuck Buddy 13th? You know you want to, don’t hold back. We would be good at it and our performance would be wicked hot. My brain (among other things) is already flooding with ideas. I don’t know about you, but I will have to practice simulating an orgasm since I’ve never faked an orgasm in my life. Let’s do it. You pick the song.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Six things to avoid on a first date

20 Mar

Six things to avoid on a first date

( that have happened to me on a first date…all within the last 6 years)

1. Try not to fall and cut your knee/leg/ankle. If you do, try not to cry. If you cry…avoid allowing your date to dress your wounds (but hey, if you’re horny, this is a great, easy way to let a guy in your pants).

2. Don’t laugh hard at his jokes and say something like, “Oh my god, that’s hilarious, I love you!” because you will spend the next 5 minutes in silence or awkwardly trying to explain what you meant.

3. If you’re out and you see the person who waxes you, avoid drunkenly calling her over and announcing, “She has seen my vagina!”

4. Avoid nose bleeds. Or, if you’re trying to get out of the date, don’t avoid nose bleeds.

5. Don’t talk to anyone who in the past has given you an embarrassing nickname. Your date may start calling you that nickname (“Moose” or “Wee Wee” are 2 examples).

6. Avoid tucking your dress into your panties. You should avoid this on all dates and at all times. I suggest that you look in the mirror AND check for a draft before you leave the ladies’ room. This should be easy enough.

Actually, while on the topic, here are the things you should be doing in the bathroom (in a timely manner):

  1. Pee quickly–you’re holding up the line. Do not pee on the seat. If you pee on the seat, be classy and wipe it off.
  2. Flush.
  3. Wash hands with soap.
  4. Check your teeth for the dreaded pepper tooth (a spice stuck somewhere near that lateral incisor).
  5. Check hair.
  6. Check cleavage.
  7. Gloss up those lips. Do not get gloss on teeth.
  8. Check that dress is not tucked into underwear.
  9. Smile and pose. As always, you are the loveliest lady up in that place.
  10. Grand exit.

Tags: , , , , , ,

the crazy cloud.

28 Nov

On Sundays I work with all women. It is a supportive, difficult,  inspiring, hilarious and absolutely exhausting environment. Why exhausting? Well, while a lot of the time we are having fun, there’s usually a part of the day when we are all thinking way too much and getting worked up about things that probably don’t matter. 9 times out of 10, we end up talking about the things that we think that men are thinking, but we never actually know. And yes, we are all a little crazy and then we feed off the crazy of our friends. It happens. I call that “place” that we all seem to go the “crazy cloud.”

I’d like to give you an example of a Sunday on the crazy cloud, all in good humor (names and subject matter have been changed):

Sunday begins–

Hope: Last night we went to *name a place* and had so much fun, but my man said *name something stupid* and I called him a dick and now it’s the end of the world because he isn’t talking to me and I don’t know what to do so I am going to overreact.

Susie: My boyfriend did that once and I didn’t talk to him for 3 weeks and he came around.

Kelly: My ex husband did something like that once. Relationships are hopeless.

Hope: I give up, I am going to find someone who deserves my time. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to be a lesbian.

Susie: You could get anyone. So yeah, fuck him! You deserve better!

Nikki: My husband did that before we got married so I kissed someone else in front of him. I don’t recommend that. It worked, but don’t do it.

**2 hours pass and they meet up again**

Hope: You know, I dig the guy and I think I am just going to say sorry because he hasn’t said anything yet and he’s obviously mad at me.

Susie:  He probably just meant *this* and instead it came out like *this* and now he feels stupid.

Kelly: Men don’t know anything about anything and he was only thinking of himself. The other day this guy and I got into a food fight over something like that. Don’t expect anything better than him because men are all the same.

**hours pass, they meet up again after marinating in the fact that men are terrible**

Hope, Susie, Kelly and Nikki basically just all talking at the same time: I was just thinking, and I think that most guys think *name something we think that men think, but we aren’t sure if they are actually thinking at all*

Hope: Oh, wait, he just sent me a text. He had fun last night and he got to sleep for a couple extra hours this morning.

Susie: See? There ya go. Just let him come to you.

Hope: Thanks, Susie, for talking me down from my crazy cloud.

–Sunday ends

Tags: , , , , , ,

My night with Wolfman Jack/The reason I stopped drinking cheap vodka

23 Sep

Last year at this time I was running around like a crazy person because I was moving, buying a house, celebrating my birthday, meeting my boyfriend and basically drinking every single night of the week at Frazier’s with my pal Dee Dee. One evening, when I finally had a few minutes to relax before going out, my brother showed me a clip from Burt Sugarman’s Midnight Special:

I enjoyed it, had a good laugh at pretty much everything happening in the video and moved on. My subconscious, however,  had different plans–that tart.

That night, while I slept, my subconscious awoke, got all skanked up and took me on over to the house of Wolfman Jack for perhaps the most disgusting sex dream experience that I’ve ever had in my life. It was awful. Thinking about it now sends shivers down my spine, and no, I don’t mean the good kind. Why would my subconscious betray me in this way? I thought we were friends, but no, not that night. That night my subconscious whore had sex with Wolfman Jack while You Sexy Thing played in the background on my subconscious stereo. Gross.

This is the look he had on his face the whole time:

How appalled are you right now?  Then, to make matters worse, Wolfman Jack kicked me out of his house after he was done. That ass! I didn’t have time to pick up my clothes so I walked home naked. My subconscious even went through the trouble of making the mascara run down my face as I cried. I was just so hurt that Wolfman Jack used me like that.

So what the hell? What did it all mean? Was that some sort of warning? Did Wolfman Jack’s ghost channel me through the cheap vodka I drank that night? How did my subconscious know his address? The world may never know.

Tags: , , , ,

Newer Entries →