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Lament for My Squeaky Bra

10 Sep

 

Sing to me, O Muse, the cause of
a squeaky bra on the day I
presented my pimped-out PowerPoint
of which I was once so proud.

Not pearls, heels nor shaky laser pen
could take the attention from
these blushing cheeks
as each step bore the betrayal of creak

and squeak.

O, bra most exquisite!
What awkwardness thou hast provided
whilst supporting my superior bosom.

Continue not this costly crime against me,
for our intimate time
together has been not long

and I do not know if you can be fixed with WD-40.

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Young Marlon Brando

4 Sep

 

I was making my way into work this morning when a guy who looks like young Marlon Brando grabbed my arm:

Young Marlon Brando: Hi…

Me (pulling arm back): Hi?

Young Marlon Brando: Sorry, this is weird, but do you want to meet me for a drink after work?

Me: Does anyone ever tell you that you look like young Marlon Brando?

Young Marlon Brando: HEY STELLA!!

Me: Hahaha, that’s a yes. I’m Lauren. Do you work on campus?

Young Marlon Brando: No, I’m here on business. Will you meet me?

Me: How about Camden Pub at 5:15?

Young Marlon Brando: Looking forward to it.

 
And then he kissed my hand and walked away. Smooth. I didn’t get his name. Those eyes. Smooth indeed.

My, young Marlon Brando, what sexy lips you have….is it getting hot in here? No? I guess I did have a lot of coffee, which would explain why I’m so nervous and jittery. Just breathe, Lauren, you don’t even know that guy’s name. I need to keep it together. KEEP IT TOGETHER. I need to keep my legs together. Oh god, I should have worn panties today.

 

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Lovely Blogger Curtsy

24 Aug

Thanks to the Mad Gay Man  for the Lovely Blogger Award! He is mad, gay, a man and an absolute treasure. He often has me guffawing at my computer screen, which I’m sure is appreciated by everyone in my workplace.

 

 

Now I have to share 7 things about myself because he said so:

– During a pilot lesson, I screamed the entire time that I landed the plane.

– I took an intensive Shakespeare class and to pass I had to play Sir Toby Belch in Twelfth Night. I was so nervous about acting that I drank half of my “prop” beforehand and performed drunk. Everyone thought it was fantastic and my professor suggested that I do more acting.

– There are a number of bloggers who are very important to me and I am grateful to have all of you in my life.

– Without cable or sufficient heat, I have found that dancing cures both boredom and the chill of cold winter days/nights.

– I am craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

– I used to hate getting unsolicited naked photos from you people, but now I kind of like it and I feel honored that ladies and gentlemen from far off places may want to share their bits and bobs with me (and no, I won’t share your photos, don’t worry).

– When I was a kid I ate the stuff that’s inside of glow sticks. I got a sore throat afterward and it didn’t even make my pee glow. What a bummer.

 
I don’t normally participate in these sorts of things, but if I did, I would award my girl Madame Weebles. She’s smart, has big boobs and is one witty bitch–I’m not sure what other reason you would need to click that link. Also, she’s a reiki master and I think that’s hella cool. I long for a good reiking.
 

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Skype Strip

15 Aug

Recently I was skyping with someone about an outline I made for a possible book. He is kind of a dick sometimes, but he has good ideas. We both had a glass of wine, we talked and flirted a little, and he suddenly said to me, “You should strip for me, do a dance, maybe touch yourself a little.”

I rolled my eyes.

“C’mon pretty girl, do it! Stop being so worried about your book. This will be fun and will release some of the tension!” he continued.

“Oohhh, I don’t know, I’m feeling kind of shy,” I replied. “You first.” I was kind of kidding.

Then I saw the mischievous man-grin. He looked through his music library for a minute, turned on “Lick it Up” by Kiss (haha, I know, right?) and stood up. I sat on my couch and watched as he actually danced, stripped to the music and then did the thing with his thing. You know, that helicopter thing. I was dumbfounded.

So then it was my turn. Frick. I didn’t think that when I said, “You first” that he was going to just get up and do it. Men. You know, one of the main things I have learned in 2012 is that men have little to no shame.  Jesus.

So I picked a song (you know I love my Tom Jones)

and I got up (I had on pink leopard print boxers), whipped my hair out of my ponytail and just started dancing my silly ass off. Robot? Yep. Twist? Absolutely. Carlton dance? No doubt.  Shakin’ the tail feathers like my dad does at weddings? Fucking right.

It was a lot of fun, and it did release tension, but the guy got really mad at me about it and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Really? Some gals don’t skype strip, especially not on command, and I think someone needs a better sense of humor.

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Little People Circus

13 Aug

 

On Saturday night, my friend, her boyfriend and I went to a little people circus in Harrisburg, PA.

I imagined that they would do typical circus things, but it turned out not really being  that kind of circus. First of all, the tall, round, ringmaster spent the evening pretending that his penis was an elephant and that it made elephant sounds. Weird. Then there was a tiny Elvis impersonator who later juggled with fire. Fun.

My favorite acts, however, included the talents of Jordanna James and Nik Sin.

Nik Sin, who has a bit of Marilyn Manson style (and has played mini Marilyn Manson), came out in clown makeup and a red nose and deep-throated a balloon, which is a fine magic trick, indeed. As far as a small clowns with tattoos deep-throating things goes, I think this performance takes the cake. He returned later in the show and escaped from a small straight jacket while hanging upside down. I suggest looking him up if you have time.

 

Nik Sin

 

Jordanna James came out in the same cheetah costume that I wore for Halloween when I 9, except she stripped out of it. I didn’t remove mine in any sort of sexual fashion. She also danced with a whip to Circus by Britney Spears and rode around on the ringmaster’s back. I liked her weave.

 

Jordanna James

 

It was a fun evening and I recommend checking them out if they’re ever in town.

I  uploaded the picture above to Facebook and on my way home that night, I received questionable messages from two different men.  Enjoy.

 

Guy 1: Can you get the number of the blonde little person please?

Me: I already left… are you serious?

Guy 1: When you’re horny, why not? My belief is my penis will be bigger to her and I’ve always wanted to feel like a black guy.

Me: Fair enough.

______________

Guy 2: I want to have a threesome with you and the blonde little person, is that wrong?

Me: To each his own. I don’t do threesomes, but thank you for including me in your fantasy.

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Reasons Men Exist

9 Aug

After 10 months of focused research, I have finally created a comprehensive list of the main reasons that men exist. Please let me know if I’ve left any out.

 


My results show that men exist to:

– Grill amazing things

– Remove bugs

– Zip up my dress

– Fasten my bracelet

– Check if food is too hot before I take a bite

– Find out what that sound was downstairs

– Remind me that I live in a land of make-believe

– Reach high places

– Hold *this* for a second while I look for/do *that*

– Make me laugh

– Pick which shoes I should wear after I’ve narrowed it down

– Fix the toilet

– Tell me when there’s something wrong with my car

– Teach me about something that I didn’t originally find interesting,
such as space or different types of screwdrivers

– Remind me that farts exist and that they are hilarious

– Accidentally say something stupid while trying to compliment me

– Remind me that so many other women are hotter than I am

– Fix my electronics

– Practice impregnating me

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Boys Mostly

27 Jul

I found my diary from when I was 12-17 years old. I have to say that I enjoyed reading every embarrassing (sometimes heartbreaking) moment. I also enjoyed my young teen angst poetry (yikes).

My favorite part of the diary was at the beginning, when I had a wicked crush on Jeff Goldblum (click to enlarge photos).

A few days after that second entry, I wrote Jeff Goldblum a letter because he didn’t respond to my email. My mom always said, “He’s too old for you!” so I had to hide the fact that I was sending a letter. The day I sent it, I called the post office to ask how many stamps a letter needed to get to California and I was very nervous my dad was going to notice one of his stamps missing, so I said a prayer. When I “went outside to ride my bike” that morning, I sprinted to the mailbox and triumphantly put up the flag. I was so excited and nervous about what Jeff Goldblum’s response would be. I am not positive as to the exact wording of what went out in the final letter, but I know it was something like this pervy draft I found:

____________________
6/8/97

Dear Mr. Goldblum,

My name is Lauren and I am 12 years old (13 on October 1st)! I like all your movies and watched Jurassic Park again today, actually. I have seen it 15 times.

I thought you were funny on Saturday Night Live, my favorite was your skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher when she is a Catholic schoolgirl and you are her teacher and you dance together to “Last Dance.” Just like Mary Katherine Gallagher, I wear a Catholic school uniform at school and I would like you to be my teacher and dance with me like that, too. I would lick you head to toe like she did because I think you are a very attractive man! It was funny in the skit. I hope that was not too forward of me to say.

I know I am only 12 and you are 44, but I promise I am mature for my age.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you. My address is on the second page.

Love,

Lauren
____________________

 

I remember putting my school photo in the envelope and truly believing that he was going to adore me. Needless to say, Jeff Goldblum never wrote me back.

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Color Me Creeped Out

12 Jul

 

I was just 7 years old when the song “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd came out in 1991 and I am wondering, did anyone think it was sexy? Men, did you play this song whilst laying a woman down by a fire? Ladies, did you hope any members of this group would sex you up?

Good lord, just look at those guys. Hey, George Michael, I didn’t know you were in Color Me Badd. And look at that one guy’s mustache–if that man said he wanted to sex me up, I would spray that ‘stache with mace and run away. Also, unless you’re going to be giving me Ambien, I don’t think it’s possible for us to “do it ’til we both wake up.” What an absurd thing to say.

I’m also wondering if anyone thought “Do Me!” by Bell Biv DeVoe was hot? Sometimes this song comes on SiriusXM 90s on 9 while I am driving to work and if I don’t turn the channel fast enough, it makes me feel like my ears are being sexually harassed.

 

 

No, I do not want to do you in the morning or in the night, but thank you for the offer, Bell Biv DeVoe. Oh, and no, you definitely can not smack it up, flip it or rub it down.

The last question I have for everyone older than me–have you ever actually been laid down by a fire? Have you ever laid someone down by a fire? I am just curious. I want to be laid down by a fire, but part of me thinks it would get uncomfortably hot in the room. That’s what happens in my imagination, anyway, and then we have to switch rooms and it’s like ugggh we should have just done it in this room anyway and then afterward, someone has to go make sure the fire went out and it’s kind of annoying to get up (because I know it would have to be me) and then I go to sleep kind of annoyed that I “have to do everything around here.”

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The Female Reaction to Magic Mike

2 Jul

You can leave your hat on.

 

One week ago, I turned on a TV for the first time in two months and saw a preview for “Magic Mike.” At first I thought it was a joke, and then I thought it was a dream, and then I realized no…no, this is real and women all over the earth must be going out of their minds about it.

I’m going to see it tomorrow with two of my friends. However, after reading Rachelle’s post on A Rich, Full Life In Spite of It, it made me question the reason women are going to see it.

I hope that the ladies choosing to see this movie aren’t doing so as a means of retaliation against menfolk for going to strip clubs and watching porn. If a guy is mad because you’re going to see the movie, then I guess he “has to deal with it” the way women are told “to deal with it,” but it seems rather juvenile to rub it in his face, no? Instead, I hope women will take this opportunity to be in the spectator role that we rarely experience in such a way–whether it be in movies or real life. Besides the fact that Channing Tatum is a hunk, the movie provides a change from the usual cinematic divide between men and women and I guess we should give three cheers for having the option to watch 5 dudes gyrate and take off their clothes to “It’s Raining Men.” It’s a nice option to have.

I have only one question, and it might be my lack of a man talking, but why is “Magic Mike” not being shown in 3D?

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9 May

Dane, the boyfriend who I went to this with, died today. He was smart (callback to Jeopardy smart), funny, a great dad to his son and a total pain in my ass. I’m gonna miss him. It’s all about the good memories, right? Well, here we go.

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